Mama Jokes

☻Yo Star Trek nerd so hairy she make Chewbacca look like Jean Luc Picard.

☻Your house is so disgusting that I tripped over a rat, got bitten by a tarantula and to top it off - the cockroaches nicked ma wallet...

☻I saw Yo mama at the freak show petting the world's largest wilderbeast.


☻I could have been Yo daddy, but the gorilla in front of me in line didn't use a condom.

☻If yo Momma n Poppa got a divorce, heck, they'd still be Brother and Sister

☻Yo mama's so fat that when she walks across the living room, the radio skips


☻I got on the train last night - they had a new sign up reading - "Maximum Occupancy: 200 Patrons OR Yo Mama"


☻Yo grannie's so fat, on each of her butt cheeks she has "Place Your Ad Here" printed.


☻Yo mama's a stunt double for the Predator

☻Yo mama is so bad, when she got called for jury duty she was found guilty.

☻Yo sista so fat that she gets runs in her Levi's

☻Yo mama's so fat, she ain't on a diet, she's on a Triet - She's all like - "Whatever yo eating ... I'll try it!"


☻Yo Mother in law's so fat, she was floating in the Atlantic ocean and Spain claimed her as a New World.


☻Yo mama's so fat, she gobbles down Cookies as if they were tic-tacs


☻Your moma's so stupid she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.


☻Yo mama's so large, she went to get an all over tan and the sun burned out...


☻Your mamma's so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup.


☻Yo AOL buddy so stupid when the Computer said 'Press any key to continue', she phoned support complaing she couldn't find the 'any' key...


☻Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.


☻You mama's so daft she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.


☻Yo Cousin so stupid that when I said I was going to Thailand she asked me if they still sold Kippers....



☻Your so ugly even the Elephant Man makes jokes about ye!


☻Yo Nana so ugly she didn't get hit with an ugly stick, but with THE ugly log.


☻I was speaking to your parents - they told me you was such an ugly baby they had to feed you with a slingshot.


☻Yo' kid brother so hairy, when I took him to the zoo the gorillas went ape shit thinking I had stole one of their babies...


☻Yo mama only got 1 finger and runs around stealing key rings.


☻Yo auntie Ethel's so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice.


☻Yo mama's like the new AOL 7.0: Fast, fun, oh so easy and you get 100 hours FREE


☻Yo brother's mouth so damn enormous, he speaks in Dolby surround sound!


☻Yo girlfriend's hips are so big, folk set their drinks on them. Your Noggin's so damn big you gotta wash yer hair in the Niagra Falls...


☻Yo Mama's so freakin nasty, I talked to her over the PC and she gave me a virus.



☻Yo mama's like a pirate, there she blows
Yo mama is so fat she has three shirt sizes, jumbo, humongus, and "OH
MY GOD IT'S COMING TOWARDS US!!"


☻Yo mama so poor i saw her kicking a can down the street and asked her what she was doing she said moving.
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept.
Yo mama's so damn stupid on a job application it said "sex" and she wrote Monday wednesday and sometimes friday.


☻Paris and Rico walked into the locker room holding his side and bending over. Paris says "ow man im so sore" Dario asks " whats wrong?" Paris replies " man yo mama was rough last night" Rico adds " she needs to loosen up"


☻Yo mama such a dirty whore that they're having to paternity test the whole state of Texas just to find out who yo daddy is!


☻Yo mamma so old that in the back seat of your car, kids don't say 'Are we there yet', they scream, 'Is she Dead yet!'


☻Yo mamas so hairy wen u were born u almost died of rugburn


☻Yo mama smells so bad, when she went to make friends with a skunk, the skunk got hit by a truck on purpose!


☻Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a bathroom and nearly pissed her
pants


☻Yo mama so fat her logo is "we are family, burger king, mc donalds and
me..."


☻Yo mama so fat she has all the food caterers on speed dial


☻Yo mama is so big she tripped over wal-mart and landed on target and evey time she passes by the t.v. i miss a seoson of friends


☻Your mommas so old someone told her to act her age and she died


☻Yo mama so poor that when i stepped on a cigarette she cried, hey, who turned off the heater.


☻Your sister is so ugly she reminds me of your mom.


☻Yo mamma so ugly, yo daddy would rather kiss her ass before going work everyday


☻Your moms so ugly the mailman mistacked her as the dog.


☻You mama so fat she stepped on an airplane and it turned into a submarine


☻This is a fact, yo mama's breath Is wack, she needs a tic, not a tac, but the whole damn pack
I don't mean to be mean, but yo mama needs listerine, not a sip, not a swallow, but the whole damn bottle.


☻Yo Mama's teeth are so yellow, cars slow down when she smiles!
Yo Mama's breath is so bad, she made a tic tac run away!


☻Your jokes are so corny that the corns on your toes got jealous.
Yo mama so ugly when she looked out the window she was arrested for 1st degree murder.


☻Yo mama like a fast food restaraunt - quick and easy!!!


☻Yo moma is so fat when it rains she uses a highway for a slip 'n' slide


☻Yo mamma so damn fat that when she traveled back to the dinosaur times and she took a step the dinosaurs said what the hell is happing...oh shit its a real damn earthquake.


☻Your mama so stupid when she saw a kid dress as a devil in halloween she thouth she was in hell


☻Yo Momma's so ugly, even Sloth from the Goonies wouldn't date her.


☻Yo mama like a shotgun - five cocks and shes loaded


☻Yo Mamma so damn ugly she makes Anne Ramsey look like J Lo.


☻Yo' mamma so ugly she got arrested for vandalizing a mirror shop.


☻Yo mama so stupid she put a peep hole in a glass door


☻Yo mama like nascar - two rubbers and shes ready to ride.


☻Yo mama's so ugly, she made a blind man cry!


☻Yo mamma so old, fat and hairy, that when she took you to the zoo the zookeepers thought a silverback Gorilla had abducted you!


☻Yo mama so fat, that when u were born, they had 2 send out a search party to find ya!


☻Yo mama soooo ugly, she works as a double for Saddam Hussein.


☻Yo moma so stupid if she would to speak her mind she would be speachless

☻Yo mama soooo poor she can't even pay attention!

☻Yo kid brother so damn ugly that the kids at school have started saying, "Hey Gollum, give us your autograph"

☻Yo mama so0o0o fat, one day she walked out with a yellow rain jacket on and the children began yelling, "Hey, the School Bus is here!"

☻Yo mama so0o0o fat, she takes baths in the Atlantic Ocean

☻Listen buddy, your mommy is so freakin dumb that if you told her pappa was a rolling stone, she'd tell her momma to put mick jagger on child support!

☻Yo Momma so damn fat the Police where going to use her as an emergency air mattress when Michael Jackson started dangling his baby.

☻Hey, yo momma so damn fat when her beeper goes off people turn around to see if she is backin up!!

☻Yo moma so fat when she wears a yellow rain coat all the people yell "taxi"

☻Yo mama's so damn fat that when she was kidnapped her face covered every side of the milk carton!

☻You so ugly when a friend walked you into school the teachers said sorry no pets aloud!

☻Your Mama so dumb she brought a spoon to the super bowl.

☻Yo Mama's so damn ugly that she turned your dad gay.

☻Yo mama's so bald, Mr. Clean got jealous.

☻Hey, your Momma is so sluttie I'd call her a hoe but hoes' get paid.

☻Yo Mamas so damn greasy that she has to use bacon for a bandaid.

☻Yo' mama so dumb she got locked inside Matress World and slept on the floor.

☻Yomomma so hairy that when she puts her arm to her side it looks like she has Don King in a headlock.

☻Yo mama so stupid that she got stabbed in a shoot out.

☻Yo mama so fat that when she went to sea world the little kids ran away and told their parents that a whale escaped.

☻Yo' Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!

☻Yo mama so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch.

☻Yo' Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!


☻Your mama's so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!

☻Yo Mama so damn old she used to Gang Bang with the Flintstones and had an affair with Captain Caveman.

☻Yo mamas so fat she shoved a battery up her ass and yelled "I got the Power!".

☻Yo mama so stupid and clumsy, she got tangled in a cordless phone.

☻Yo mama soooo fat, she put on a yellow dress and the kids thought she was the school bus.

☻Yo' Sista's just like a like a Popsicle - everybody wants a fuckin lick!

☻Yo Mamma's so hairy she just got an armpit trim and lost 20 pounds!

☻Yo Moma sooooo ugly, I could have been yo Daddy but the dog beat me under the fence!

☻Yo momma is soooooo stupid, she wears a t-shirt that says "hukd on fonicks woorkd fo mi"

☻Yo mam like a screen door - after a couple of bangs she tends to loosen up.

☻Yo mama is so fat she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles!

☻Yo mama so stupid she puts a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept

☻I heard that Yo mama is on the warpath - she lost a finger and now can't count past 9...

☻Yo mama so nasty when she masterbates, she gets arrested for cruelty to animals.

☻Yo mama's blind and is seeing another man.

☻Yo mama's glasses are so damn thick she can see into the future.

☻Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.

☻You gotta tell yo moma to stop changing lipstick color - I'm now getting a freakin Rainbow on my d**k!

☻Yo sista so damn stupid on her last job application where it said 'Sex?' she marked "M, F, and occasionally on a Thursday too.."

☻You' big brother so damn stupid that on his last job application, under emergency contact he put 999 (911).

☻Yo mam is so stupid - I just aks her about her X-Men and she said: "Well, my first baby's daddy was Jimmy...and I still see Johnny on Fridays...."

☻Yo Grannie so stupid she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.

☻Yo Mother in law's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road.

☻Yo Momma's like a Snickers bar - packed full with with nuts.

☻Yo ex-girlfriend's like Humpty Dumpty... first she gets humped, then she gets dumped.

☻Yo mama's like a race car driver...she burns a lot of rubbers...

☻Yo Auntie just like the Suez Canal - Vessels full of Seamen passing through everyday...

☻Yo gilfriends's afro so damb big, when the bitch got in my car everyone thought I had tinted windows.

☻Yo Mama ass so huge she take up 5 rows in the cinema...

☻Yo Papa's so short, he tried to commit suicide with a pin.

☻Yo Grannie's so enormous that when she went to the drycleaners to hand in her underwear, they put up a sign - 'NO PARACHUTES ALLOWED'

☻You Biology teacher so freakin stupid she thinks that DNA is the National Dyslexics Association.

☻Yo' best friend so idiotic she thoughtt Menopause was a button on her walkman.

☻You Momma so fat and stupid that her waist is bigger than her I.Q.

☻Tell Yo' girlfriend my Dog wanna know how much he owes her for last night...

☻Yo' papa so damn strange that he invented a water-proof teabag.

☻Yo mother in law so bald that when she put on a sweater, folk thought she was a roll on deoderant!

☻Did you know flies were given wings so that they could beat yo mama to the dump?

☻I heard yo house was made out of bog paper - why? cuz your whole family full of crap!

☻Yo kid brother so fat and ugly Peter Jackson offered him the part of the Cave Troll in lord of the rings

☻You Nose so damn big that we use yer snotters as Footballs.

☻Yo Momma so mad that she even made Kurt Russell escape from LA.

☻Yo Nana so ghetto she washes paper plates.

☻Oi, yo need to tell you mama to stop wearing the blue lipstick...I got balls like a smurf now!

☻You so skinny, you turned sideways and disappeared.

☻Yo mama's so bald, when she braids her hair, it remind me of stitches.

☻Yo Mama so fat when she steps on a scale it reads "One at a time, please".

☻Yo mama so fat and stupid that she was fired from Forrest Gump cuz she kept eating the box of chocolates.

☻Yo Sista so fat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.

☻Yo Mama so poor that she uses tumbleweed as a Xmas tree.

☻You Mommy so hairy she's got afros on her nipples.

☻Yo' mama breath so disgustingly bad that she needs Freshmints with batteries in it

☻Yo Papa's like an old arcade machine - toss in a quarter and you can play with his joystick.

☻Yo mama such a bitch, she interned for Clinton.


☻I told her drinks were on the house...so she went and got a ladder...

☻she make Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner

☻she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Cif.

☻she noticed a sign reading 'Wet Floor'...so she just did!

☻it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

☻when you were born, she looked at your umbilical cord and said, "Wow, it comes with cable too!"

☻she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken.

☻she got locked in the Quickie Mart and nearly starved to death.

☻she sold her Car for Petrol cash!

☻she reckoned a Quarterback was a refund...

☻she once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a Kerb.

☻she leaves tell tales signs she's been using my computer - white out (tipp ex) is on the screen.

☻she took a job cutting grass on an Oil Rig.

☻I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

☻it took her 2 days to make Microwaveable Pot Noodles.

☻she invented a silent car alarm.

☻that when you stand beside her you can actually hear the ocean

☻she really thought the cinema was selling Free Willies...

☻she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.

☻she was born on Halloween and can't remember her birthday.

☻she thought Morning Dew was a New York radio station.

☻she lost her shadow.

☻she went to a Whalers game to see Kiko.

☻she somehow got fired from a Blow-Job

☻she thought Hot Meals were stolen food.

☻she make Laurel and Hardy look like Nobel Prize winners.

☻when I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she asked me...'Which colour?'


☻Anything Yo's - So Damn Stupid...

☻Yo Poppa so stupid he studied for a Dope test!

☻Yo Postman so stupid that on his recorded delivery form where it says 'Don't write below dotted line', he puts 'OK'

☻Yo teacher so stupid she booked herself into the Bettie Ford clinic cos she thought she was Hooked On Phonics.

☻Yo Boss so stupid he bought everybody in the department solar powered flashlights incase of a blackout...

☻Yo Business associate so stupid he thought Gangrene was another golf course.

☻Your Kid Sister so damn stupid she put your puppy in the oven to make a Hot Dog.

☻Yo' Sister is so insanely stupid that last week she asked me to go to the lost and found with her when she missed her period.

☻Yo Dentist so stupid he uses mayonnaise as tooth filler

☻Yo Sister so dumb that she thought Taco Bell was Mexican phone company.

☻Your Grandpa so achingly stupid he think Beirut is a famous baseballer.

☻Your kid bro so stupid he try to strangle himself with his mobile phone.

☻Yo Minister so stupid he gives Sermons on Genesis....Phil Collins old band...

☻Your Kid sister so damn stupid she stands up on an empty School bus.

☻Yo Mom so stupid that Oxford had to change the definition of Dumb...it now read: Dumb(n) - yo' Mama

☻Yo Burglar so stupid he broke into yo house and stole food stamps

☻You cousin so stupid I told him to take out the garbage...so he moved house...

☻Yo Bus driver so stupid that she went to Disneyworld, saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so drove home.

☻Yo Politics professor so stupid he ask George W Bush to guest lecture on Government 101.

☻Yo' accountant so darn stupid he thinks a Quarterback is an income tax refund.

☻Your Computer Repairman so stupid he picks up your floppy's with magnets

☻Yo Mother-in-law so stupid, she won first place in the Dan Quale spelling contest

☻Yo Archeology Professor so damn stupid they have to dig for her IQ!

☻Yo Girlfriend so stupid, she teaches night classes at Stupid College.

☻Yo' Father in law so idiotic that he took a spoon to the superbowl.

☻Yo Sister's so stupid she could trip over a cordless telephone.

☻Yo Dog walker so stupid he took yo pet dog to the Clippers game to get him a haircut

☻Your Big Sister so god awfully stupid that they had to burn her school down just to get her out of 3rd grade.

☻Yo Father's so freakin stupid he has 1 toe on each foot, yet he just bought himself a pair of flip flops.

☻You Grandma's so stupid when I tell her it's chilly outside, she goes to fetch a bowl.

☻Your Grandpa so freakin stupid he sent me a fax with a 1st class stamp on it!

☻Yo BT Telephone repairman so freakin stupid he asked me what the number for 999 was...

☻Yo girlfriend so stupid when her Apple Mac says 'You've got mail" she runs outside to wait for the Postman

☻Yo Uncle so astonishingly stupid that he thought Nestle Cheerio's were a new type of Donut Seed

☻Yo Auntie so dumb her weekly shopping list consist of 1 item - 'Hundreds and thousands'

☻Your Dog's so stupid he bury's his own tail

☻Yo mama's so stupid, wait...she had you didn't she!

☻Yo Mother in law so stupid I saw her in Safeway's frozen food section with a fishing rod

☻Yo Uncle so stupid...heck, he marry your Auntie for christ sake!

☻Yo Priest so stupid I saw him worshiping at the feet of David Copperfield

☻Yo Reverand so stupid he asks David Ike for advice

☻Yo Grannie so dumb she go to the 24-hr convenience store and asks what time do they close...

☻Yo Mother in law so hellishly stupid, that Tony Blair is considering making dumbness a crime, punishable by lethal injection.

☻Your doctor's so stupid he uses his mp3 player as a stethoscope


☻Yo Mama So Ugly

☻she put the Boogie man outta business.

☻she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt

☻when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already..."

☻when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'

☻she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!

☻minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said "Yes, now let's go and bury her..."

☻they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.

☻when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote!

☻yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye...

☻she put Marilyn Manson out of business.

☻she was a guard at Snake Mountain

☻they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock...

☻even Harry Knowles refused to date her.

☻they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!

☻she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.

☻Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.

☻you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.

☻she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.

☻we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.

☻I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.

☻her shadow gave up.

☻people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her...

☻her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.

☻when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.

☻hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.

☻instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.

☻they gave her a middle name...'accident'.

☻she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.

☻when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!

☻even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her...

☻when she was born the Doc smacked her face.



☻Anything Yo's - So Ugly...

☻Yo Poppa so ugly he turned Medusa to Stone.

☻Yo Postman so freakin ugly he made the guard dogs shit themselves.

☻Yo Dentist so ugly they don't need anasthetics

☻Yo Boss so ugly people go as him for halloween.

☻Yo Priest so ugly that he have to give his Sermon from inside the Confessional Box.

☻Yo Teacher so ugly when she walks into the Building Society they turn off the CCTV cameras.

☻Yo Sister so Ugly that George Lucas cast her in Star Wars 3 as Jabbas wife - without the need for a costume.

☻Your kid bro so ugly that for Halloween he tricks or treats on his mobile phone!

☻Your Kid sister so damn ugly that when she sits on a sand dune at the beach, the cats try to bury her.

☻You cousin so ugly that when he threw a boomerang, it refused to come back.

☻Yo Driving Instructor's so ugly he has to wear a ski-mask when teaching.


☻Yo Mother-in-law so ugly, she won first place in the Wookie lookalike contest.

☻Your Girlfriend's so insanely ugly that I can screw her in any position and it's still Doggy-style!

☻Yo Girlfriend so ugly they put her in the Chimp enclosure to stop the Chimpanzee's from jerking off!

☻Yo' Father in law so ugly that his American Express card left home without him...

☻Yo Sister's so ugly that she must been conceived on the Motorway - ain't that where most accidents happen?

☻Yo Dog walker so ugly that he once took your Mutt to Crufts and WON - oh, the dog came second...

☻Your sister-in-law so god awful ugly that Durex want to use her as a poster child.

☻Yo Father's so ugly his hairline ain't receding...it's his hair that's running away from his ugly noggin.

☻You Grandma's so Ugly her Shrink makes her lie face down on the couch.

☻Your Grandpa so freakin ugly that when he gets up in the mornin, the Sun goes down.

☻Yo' Mum so ugli that even Prince Charming refuses to kiss her - he'd rather live as a frog.

☻Yo older sister so ugly that Mommy had to feed her with a fishing rod.

☻Yo Uncle so astonishingly ugly that whenever he comes over and goes to your bathroom, the toilet flushes.

☻Your Dog's so ugly as yo Momma that I had to shave its arse and make it walk backwards...

☻Yo mama's so ugly, hold on....you got a mirror handy???

☻Yo Mama's sister so ugly that Blind men refuse to have sex with her.

☻Yo Uncle so ugly, Spielberg wants him in Addams Family 3

☻Your kid so ugly the Doctor is STILL smacking his ass.

☻Yo Mother in law so hellishly ugly, that president George W Bush is considering making ugliness a crime, punishable by the electric chair

☻Yo Momma's so ugly that she hurt my feelings...

☻Your doctor's so ugly she manages to give Freddy Kreuger Nightmares!

☻Yo Moma So Old

☻she left her purse on Noah's Ark.

☻Jurassic Park brought back the memories...

☻when she ran the 100 metre dash, they timed her with a sundial.

☻she still owes Moses a dollar.

☻when she was at school...there was No history class!

☻she uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea

☻she's got the first autographed Koran.

☻she co-wrote the 4th Commandment.

☻when I asked for her ID she handed me a rock

☻she even made Yoda jealous.

☻she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch.

☻the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake

☻when she gave birth, You came out with Dentures.

☻she sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade

☻her first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.

☻vher birthday expired.

☻when Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo momma fishing on the other side!

☻she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.

☻Anything Yo's - So Old ...

☻Yo Grandpa so old his social security number is 000-000-001

☻Yo Priest so old he's got Adam and Eve's autograph

☻Yo Archeology Professor so old we found cave drawings of her.

☻Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust

☻You Postman so damn old his zip code is 00001.

☻Yo' geeky Star Wars friend so old he used to baby sit Yoda

☻Yo Doctor so old he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.

☻Yo hairdresser so old she used to cut Betty Rubble's hair

☻You so old you used to gang bang wid the Flintstones

☻Yo' home helper so old she was once a waitress at the last supper

☻Yo Grannie so old Spielberg hired her as historical consultant on Jurassic Park

☻Yo Nana so old she the only Creature in Jurassic Park they never had to animate

☻You Gardener so old she uses T-Rex dropping as fertilizer.

☻Yo History teacher so damn old he was co-author of the Dead Sea scrolls

☻Your Aunties so old that when God said 'let there be light', she was the one flicking on the light switch.

☻Yo Math teacher so old he baby-sat for Pythagorus

☻Yo Minister so old he used to get sermon tips from Zeus.

☻Yo Bookie so old he offered odds of 4 to 1 on Adam eating the apple

☻Yo Poppa so old and ugly they call him Captain Caveman

☻Yo sister so old she's more ancient than everything seen on the Antiques Road Show

☻yo' Mother in law so old she the only one at the old folks home with a senior citizens discount.

☻Yo' Papa so ancient that Mel Gibson hired him to offer insights on what life was like with William Wallace

☻I told yo big sister to act her own age...and she died.

☻You Dog so old it farts out dust.

☻Yo Boyfriend so old his birth certificate says "Expired" on it.

☻Yo Computer geek friend so old he used to babysit Pascal

☻Your Girlfriend's so old, she invented the term 'oldest profession in the world'

☻Yo' mother-in-law so ancient she's in Jesus's yearbook!

☻Yo Gardener's so damn old he remembers when the Garden of Eden was just a plant

☻Yo' big brother so old, he used to run Track with dinosaurs.

☻Your mother-in-law so freakin old she's got ROman Numerals on her birth certificate

☻Yo Moma So Poor

☻that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.

☻they put her photo on food stamps.

☻when I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.

☻she waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air conditioning.

☻burglars break into her home and leave money.

☻when I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.

☻the building society repossed her cardboard box.

☻she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.

☻each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk's fingers

☻she can't even afford to go to the free clinic.

☻when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing....'Moving' she replied.

☻I caught her trying to use food stamps in the Gobstopper machine.

☻when I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'

☻I asked her where the 'facilities were' and she replied - "Pick a corner...ANY corner..."

☻I visited her house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed - "Who's tearing down the drapes!!!!"

☻I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said "Sure thing, it's 4th tree on your right..."

☻only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted...

☻when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."

☻she hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.

☻closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping trolley....with a box on it...

☻she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.

☻I went into her 'living room', stepped on a Fag butt and she shouted - "Oi, who turned off the heater!"

☻I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying - "Who knocked???"

☻I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence.

☻she does drive by shootings on the school bus.

☻when she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she groule - "Don't use the good china"

☻Anything Yo's - So Poor...

☻You're so poor even Beggars give you money.

☻Yo Grannie so damn poor she bounces food stamps.

☻Your Teachers so poor she can't even afford to pay attention.

☻Yo Priest so poor he uses cardboard and ribena as bread and wine substitutes.

☻Yo Doctor so poor, he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.

☻You family so poor you's live in a 2-story Cracker Jack box.

☻Yo sister is so po...shit, she can't even afford them last 2 letters!

☻Yo Dentist is so poor she uses white-out/tippex as your tooth filler.

☻Yo' Cleaner so poor she can't afford a mop - she stands on her head in order to mop the floor...

☻Yo Poppa so poor his idea of Desert was to go outside and collect the 'yellow snow'...and yo loved it, didn't ya!

☻You Star Wars friend so insanely poor that I walked into his house, asked to use the bathroom, and he handed me a shovel saying: "May the force be with you."

☻Yo Father so poor that when I aks him what for dinner, he take off his shoelaces and says - Spaghetti!

☻Yo older sis getting so poor she's planning on getting married...just so she can get the rice at the wedding.

☻Your lecturer so poor he uses his cardboard box as a blackboard.

☻Yo' so poor, you get more government handouts than an English farmer

☻Yo' best friend so poor he have to fart just to get a scent (cent).

☻Yo Gossiping wife so poor she can't even afford to put her two cents into this conversation...

☻Yo Grannie so poor that when I asked her what's for dinner, she tried to throw ME in the oven!

☻Yo' Mommy so poor I went over for dinner, saw 3 beans on the table...took one and she said - "Don't be greedy!"

☻You Auntie's so poor she gotta live in a 2-story Dorritos bag...

☻Yo big brother so freakin poor I stepped on his old banged up skateboard and he yelled - "Get off my F****in CAR"

☻Yo Computer geek friend so poor he uses a Commodore 64 to surf the web.

☻Your pimp so poor he just bought an imitation of a fake Rolex

☻Yo Reverand so poor the congregation run over animals outside the church just to help with food...

☻Yo Gardener's so damn poor that when I pissed in his yard he thanked me for watering the lawn...

☻Yo Mama's so damn poor, her front porch matt says 'Wel'...

☻You so piss poor...hold on, you don't have a pot to piss in or even a window to throw it out of...

☻Yo Uncle so poor I went into his house, swatted a pesky firefly and he screamed - "Who turned out the lights?"

☻Yo Nana so sickenly poor I walks into her house, asked to use the toilet and she hand me 2 large sticks. I ask what they're for and she says: "Use one to hold up the ceiling...use the other to fight off the cockroaches..."

☻Yo half-sister so damn poor even the Republicans were willing to give her welfare.

☻Anything Yo's....

☻Yo Mamma's feet so skanky that when your family wants jam pieces, she gets yo brother to run a loaf of bread between her toes.

☻Yo' Grannies neck so damn wrinkled, I use it as a cheese grater.

☻I got notin bad to say about Yo Momma - heck, her face says it all...

☻Your pet Cat so freakin nasty it bit ma dog and gave it rabies.

☻Yo Auntie so stinkin that a skunk smelled her butt and passed out.

☻Yo mama's so poor, TV dinner trays are her good china.

☻Damn it, just realised that last yo is as old as the crust in yo Sister's knickers...

☻You liked that mama joke didn't ya? Good?...well, nowhere near as good as Yo Mama was last night :)

☻But, hey, if I wanted a comeback, christ, I'd just wipe it off Yo Mamma's chin...

☻Yo Mama like a television - even a 2 year old can turn her on!

☻You brother so hairy Big foot is taking his picture..

☻Yo Mother in law so stinky she use Right Guard and Left Guard.

☻Your Grandpa's so hairy, Jane Goodall follows him around.

☻Yo Star wars geeky friend so damn hairy, she's a stunt double for Chewbacca and her baby daughter played the leader of the Ewoks (no makeup needed).

☻Yo English teacher so damn stupid, she failed a survey...

☻Yo Sista like a mailbox, open all day and all night...

☻Yo mama's so clumsy, she got tangled up in a Mobile phone.

☻Yo mama's like an elevator - blokes go up and down on her all day. Yo Mother in law so dmamnd Dislexus when I told her to go get some Head and Shoulders...she jump on top of me Shoulders and gave me head!!!

☻Your IM buddies so damn stanky, I can smell them over the interweb

☻Only job yo ever gonna get is as a blind bird-watcher.

☻Yo idiotic Doctor so damn greasy that he uses Bacon as a bandaid

☻Yo Dog so short it's best friend is an Ant.

☻Yo Auntie so flat chested she jealous of the wall.

☻Yo girlfriend so cheap I threw her a penny for sex and she gave me change...

☻The first line in the Bible was mistranslated - it actually reads - 'In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth and yo' fat ugly Mama'

☻Yo Grandpa's house so damned cold, the Roaches ice skate around the kitchen.

☻Yo Momma house so small that I put my Key in the doorlock and broke the freakin back window!

☻I heard yo mama got fired from her job at the sperm bank - the boss caught her drinking on the job...

☻Yo baby sista's nose so long, it make Steffi Graf jealous...

☻Yo Mam so damn ugly, look like the ho was hit by the whole freakin Ugly Tree!!!

☻Yo Mama so old - heck, the first line of the Koran was mistranslated - it should read 'All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds and Father of Yo' Mama'...

☻I heard that yo Granny was so disgustingly ugly that on a holiday to Egypt she looked up a Camel's ass and scared the hump off of it!

☻Yo Driving Instructor so damn old he got hieroglyphics on his Driver license.

☻Yo Cousin so old she drives a chariot to High school

☻I took yo Mama to the Doctor's - I tell him that she feeling poorly and that she only got 1 toe and 1 knee. Doc tells me she's contracted 'Tony'...

☻Yo Boss so damn ugly that when he leaned out the window the Police arrested him for attempted murder

☻That Grandpa of your's so stupid and poor that when I came over for Dinner he read me recipes...

☻Yo wee brother so damn hairy that he went for a short back and sides and lost 30 pounds...

☻Yo mama's chest hair so damn long, it growing all the way down to her willy.

☻Yo mama's so nice, she offered me the hair off her back.

☻Yo Mother in law so nasty, she got more clap than an auditorium.

☻I's apologise for talkin bout Yo Mama...I should know better...hell, I don't even know the Man...

☻No seriously, under all that hair yo Mama is really a Saint....a saint Bernard!

☻But really, yo Mamma is just like a golf course - everybody gets a hole in one!

☻Yo Nana still so fat she wears a Microwave as a beeper.

☻And yo Mother-in-law so huge she stole my pillow cases when she ran outta socks.

☻Yo mama should be locked away, cos every time she moons people they turn into werewolves

☻She nasty too ya know - yo daddy just got out of hospital after eating her out - he caught food poisining...

☻Yo'momma so ugly she actually is very good at her job: Being a scarecrow
☻Yo Momma Like

☻a hardware store - only 10 cents a screw.

☻a bus - only 50 pence a ride

☻a 747 - a 3 man cock pit!

☻a shotgun - first she cocks...then she blows.

☻a Hoover - she sucks, blows, and finally gets laid back in the closet...

☻a BT phonebox - on every damn corner and costs only 20p a go

☻an arcade machine - dirty, smelly, costs 20 pence and lasts 30 seconds

☻a door knob - cos everybody gets a turn!

☻the sun - if you stare at her too long you're gonna go blind.

☻a Christmas tree - everybody hangs balls on her.

☻Pizza Hut - not there in 30 minutes...it's free.

☻a Bowling Ball - she gets picked up, fingered, thrown into the gutter, yet she still comes back for more...

☻a stamp - you lick her, then stick her, and finally then send her away.

☻McDonalds ... Billions and Billions served...

☻a railroad track - she gets laid all over the country.

☻the Pillsbury dough boy - everybody loves to poke her

☻a Scooter - everybody ridin her but nobody admitting it

☻peanut butter -- oh so smooth, creamy, and easy to spread.


☻Anything Yo's

☻Yo secretary is like an ATM machine - open 24 hours...

☻Yo Female Boss like a 7-11...open 24 hours for your convenience...

☻Yo Sister-in-law like a chicken coop - cocks flyin in and out all day...

☻Yo' ex-girlfriend just like a squirrel - she always got some nuts in her mouth...

☻Your Big sis like the Bermuda triangle...they swallow a whole lotta seamen.

☻Yo' Cousin like a Penny...she ain't worth two bob.

☻Yo Auntie like a Library - open to the public.

☻Your Mummy like Blockbuster Video - everybody goes home happy.

☻Your Aunt Mary just like a birthday cake - everybody gets a piece...

☻Yo Chip shop assistant like a fine restaraunt - she only take deliviries in rear...

☻Yo Momma so Smelly

☻the government make her wear a Biohazard warning

☻she made Right Guard call for backup.

☻even the dogs won't smell her.

☻an old blind geezer walking by asked her 'yo, how much for the shrimp platter?"

☻that when she spread her legs, I got seasick...

☻she wiz playin in my Sand Box and the cat came along and buried her.

☻her poo is glad to escape.

☻that standing next to a skunk, the Skunko smells sweet!

☻that the only dis I'm gonna give her is Disinfectent...

☻that when you was being born, the doctor's and nurses all had to wear oxygen masks...

☻even sewer rats get outta her way...

☻that farmers use her bathwater as liquid fertilizer...


☻Yo Momma so Dirty

☻she has to creep up on the bath water.

☻that standin next to a tramp, she make the tramp look like a butler.

☻that her house is so dirty I gotta wipe my feet before I go back outside.

☻she lost 2 stone after taking a shower

☻that even the Swamp Thing insisted she showered.

☻that Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to use as chemical weapons.


☻Yo Momma so Greasy

☻Texaco buy oil from her

☻she got a job at the cinema - buttering popcorn with her leg hair...

☻her freckles slipped off.

☻the Chip Shop uses her sweat as Deep Fry

☻she sweats butter, syrup, excretes jam...and has a full time job at the 'Pancake Palace' wiping pancakes across her forheed

☻her idea of bottled water is the left over oil slime from a bacon, sausage and egg fry up.

☻she uses bacon as a band aid.
☻Your Mama So Fat

☻when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...

☻she once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food she ate it!

☻folk exercise by jogging around her!

☻when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.

☻she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy

☻she make Kiko the Whale look like a Smartie

☻NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer

☻she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm...

☻small objects orbit her.

☻she make olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic.

☻when I tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips.

☻when she farted she launched herself into orbit.

☻she lost a game at Hide&Seek only cos I spotted her...behind Mount Everest.

☻when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol!

☻she could be the eighth continent.

☻she nearly put Safeway out of business

☻the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity.

☻her Uni graduation photo was an aerial

☻when she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball.

☻she make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic.

☻her fave food is seconds.

☻her belt size is Equator.

☻she eats Desert out of a Trash Can lid

☻she wears an 'X' jacket and Copters attempt to land on her

☻she shows up on radar.

☻she needs a map to find her butt.

☻she fell into the Grand Canyon....and got stuck!

☻she wears an asteroid belt.

☻her Passport photo says 'Picture is continued overleaf'

☻she has TB ... 2 bellys.

☻she's once, twice, three times a lady.

☻she was in the Daily Record last week on page 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.

☻the circus use her as a trampoline

☻stunt agencies use her as an air mattress

☻when she opens the Fridge it says - 'I give up...'

☻she got a new gig at the Cinema...she works as the screen

☻she once told me 'I could eat a horse'...believe me, she wasn't kidding!

☻she deep fries her toothpaste.



☻Anything Yo's - So Fat...

☻Yo Grannie so damn fat, that if she was an Aeroplane, she'd be a Jumbo Jet.

☻Yo Grandpa so fat that he's half Scottish, half Irish and half American

☻Yo Wife so fat she fell off a boat and the Captain yelled, "Land Ahoy!!!"

☻Yo Priest so fat, when he bungee jumped he went straight to hell...

☻Yo Doctor so fat, that when her Beeper goes off folk think she's backing up.

☻Yo Auntie so fat when she goes to Gap the only thing she can fit into is the Dressing Room

☻Yo Bookie so fat he gotta buy clothes by the furlon

☻Yo Dentist so fat that when he burped he blew out all yo mamma's teeth...that why she so ugly!

☻Yo Papa's so large when you climb on top of him your ears pop.

☻Yo Father so fat that when he sat on a Rainbow skittles fell out.

☻Yo Sister so fat that even Richard Simmons can't help laughing

☻Yo Sis so Monstrous she uses Soccer balls for earrings.

☻Yo Father so fat he can't even tie his own shoelaces

☻Yo Mama so huge that God created her...and on the seventh day rested.

☻Your Kid Sister so fat the Japanese Sumo Wrestling squad had to turn her down.

☻Yo Star Trek fan so fat he make Riker's beer belly look 2 atoms thick

☻Yo Lawyer's so fat...we're inside her right now.

☻Yo' Baker so freakin fat he masturbates when reading cookbooks

☻Yo Auntie so fat that Weight Watchers threw her out for breaking the scales.

☻Yo Boss so fat that when she calls a board meeting she has to pull herself up a Sofa.

☻Yo Air hostess so fat that on a scale of 1 to 10 she a 747.

☻Your boyfriend so fat he hasn't seen his feet for 10 years

☻Yo Bro so fat that when he farted, Mars came out...and I ain't talkin bout the 'sweetie'

☻You Nana so fat that when she went for a swim in the ocean she caused a 60 foot tidal wave.

☻Yo Music teacher so freakin Fat that she whistles Bass

☻Yo Postman so fat he got his very own Post Code

☻You cousin so fat she's on Both sides of the family.

☻Yo Girlfriend so fat I ask her to go get a Curry and she bring back 80 pounds of gravy.

☻Yo kid brother so fat he sat on 4 quarters and made a dollar.

☻Your Mom so fat she uses a bed mattress for a maxipad

☻Yo wife so fat she got more nooks and Crannies than a Ploughman's pastry

☻Yo Sister so fat she got a new job DJ'ing for the Ice Cream Van.

☻Yo Momma so fat all chairs in the house have their own seatbelts.

☻Yo Dog so fat that when you take it 'walkies' it don't know whether it walking or rolling

☻Your Mommas so fat, when it says All you can eat it still ain't enough.

☻Yo' Astronomer so fat she plays pool with Venus....and Neptune...and pluto...and...
☻Yo Moma...

☻has 10 fingers -- all on the same hand.

☻has green hair and thinks she's a Tree.

☻has a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.

☻has wooden boobs and breast feeds beavers

☻has one short leg and that why she always walking in circles...

☻has a major weight problem - she can't wait...to eat.

☻got a house that's so dusty, the Cockroaches drive around in Dune Buggies

☻got a glass eye with a fish in it.

☻got so much hair on her upper lip she has to braid it

☻got so much dandruff that a Midgie landed on her head and said: "Christ, I aint' seen this much snow in years."

☻got so much hair on her chest that her Breasts remind me of Coconuts...

☻is a carpenter's dream - flat as a board and so easy to nail...


☻Anything Yo's

☻Yo Grannies got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book.

☻You got no arms, no legs, and when you go swimming they call you Bob

☻Yo Wife got more weave than a dog in rush hour traffic.

☻Yo Girlfriend got an ElectroWig - including sunroof and Opera lights

☻Yo Big brother got a wooden nipple and they call him Corky.

☻Yo Priest got ears so big he gets satellite reception.

☻Your kid bro got more crust round his mouth than a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

☻Yo Milkman's teeth so damn yellow I can't believe it's not butter

☻Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust

☻Yo Mother in law so yellow you'd think she'd been blowing the Simpsons

☻Yo mama's got a wooden leg with branches. Yo' baby sister got more mouth than Julia Roberts

☻Yo' Boy next door got an Afro with a turn signal in it.

☻Yo Doc' got 1 wooden leg with a real foot.

☻You geeky Star Wars girlfriend got more bum fur than an Ewok.

☻Yo Mommy got so many gaps in her teeth it reminds me of Piano keys

☻Yo Best Friend only got two fingers and she's a representative for world peace.

☻Yo' humor webmaster so desperate for money he got a wooden leg with advertisements stapled to it.

☻You Computer Geek friend got one tooth and they call him Chomping-at-the-Bits

☻Yo' Nana's teeth so damb black you'd think she had coal for her dinner

☻Yo Grannie had more men than the grand old duke of york...and then some...

☻Your Auntie got one leg...and folk call her Eileen

☻Yo kid sister got so many rings round her belly that she gotta screw her underware on

☻Yo cousin got 3 teeth ... one in her mouth and two in her pocket.

☻Yo PE teacher has one arm and swims round in circles

☻Yo Dentist got Summer teeth...summer in his mouth....summer in his trouser pockets...

☻You Wife got more crack than harlem

☻Your Dentist made yo teeth so crooked you use them to cut chain at the DIY store.