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Wednesday, September 30, 2009

funniest jokes The Usual Suspects

Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets."

Do you know about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.

Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back ...

funniest jokes Good Question

Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars!
"This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"
Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."
The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.
"Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"

Blue Collar Comedy

What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? "Hey, y'all ... Watch this!"

Three things you'll never hear a redneck say:
The tires on that truck are too big.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
Duct tape won't fix that!

You might be a redneck if you think the last words to "The Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

A Little Perspective Goes a Long Way

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No," says the bum.
The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"
Again the bum says, "No."
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.


Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Someone told him to get a long little doggy.

How do you keep a jackass in suspense? I'll let you know tomorrow!

Thick Walls Make Good Neighbors

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
-- Steven Wright

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How's it work?"
"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"

Why It's Important to Listen Carefully

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."

Swimming With Sharks

What do you get when you cross a librarian and a lawyer?
All the information you want, except you can't understand it.

What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think that they're jokes.

What's Black and White and ...

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

What a Card!

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
-- Pun American Newsletter

Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge.
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"

Next Time, Let's Stay in a Hotel

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."

Man's Best Friend

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.
"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers?
A: They have two left feet.

Live and Learn

Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.
"Sadness," he replied.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.
"Elation," he replied.
"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."

Live and Learn

Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.
"Sadness," he replied.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.
"Elation," he replied.
"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."

Not Fade Away

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.


The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"
The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."

Playing With Our Words

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Happy Hour...With a Twist

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer ............ and some of those peanuts."
The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?" The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."

Say a Little Prayer

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Say a Little Prayer

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Explosively Funny

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"

Who's Counting?

How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

Quacking Up

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."
The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"

What's in a Name?

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

Timing Is Everything

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

"Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65," the newspaper obit read. "The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50."
-- Merrill Markoe, Late Night With David Letterman, The Book (Villard)

Doctor, Doctor

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

Funny Quote

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Helen Rowland

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

Love Quotes

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonnette

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henry Youngman

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
Laurence J. Peter

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
John Barrymore

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.

Absence -- that common cure of love.
Miguel De Cervantes

Life Quotes

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
Janet Coleman

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Andy Rooney

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
Joey Adams

Children Quotes

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Clarence Darrow

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Bill Maher

To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
Ernest Hemingway

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
Quentin Crisp

There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Benjamin Spock

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
Nancy Mitford

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Funny Quote

Age Quotes
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too too late.
Mike Tyson

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen

People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

20 Funny Questions

Why do we press harder on a remote control
when we know the batteries

are getting weak?

Why does someone believe you when you say
there are four billion stars,

but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest,
but ducks when you

throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word

If people evolved from apes, why are there
still apes?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a
broken computer in it?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on

Why do people constantly return to the
refrigerator with hopes that

something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a
dozen times with their vacuum

cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine
it, then put it down to

give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from
the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those closed
light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch
something that's falling

off the table you always manage to knock
something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as
warm as it was in summer

when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you
try doing it like your wife

told you to do it?

And obviously if at first you don't succeed,
then don't take up sky diving!

If a "Fool" and his money are soon parted,
where did the "Fool" get the money in the first place?

Funny Questions Humor Questions

I changed the last question slightly, but I haven't changed

any of the following. I'm just going to answer them:

Question: If you were at a friend's house for Thanksgiving

dinner and you found a dead cockroach in your salad, what

would you do?

Answer: I'd do the only ethical and moral thing: pick

up the cockroach discreetly and toss it onto my friend's

plate. That way, I won't embarrass my friend and I'd also be

doing what all religions teach us to do: share.

Q: If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly,

would you change anything about the way you are now living?

A: Yes, I would give up exercise, eat more junk food and

smoke five packs a day. I might even cheat on my wife,

knowing that I won't die for another year.

Q: What do you most strive for in your life: accomplishment,

security, love, power, excitement, knowledge or something


A: I used to strive for many things, but now that I have two

young children, I strive for only two things: peace and


Q: If you had to spend the next two years inside a small but

fully provisioned Antarctic shelter with one other person,

whom would you like to have with you?

A: Halle Berry, of course. I would have picked my wife, but

I don't want to be selfish: Who would take care of our


Q: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to

communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not

having told someone?

A: I would regret not having told my wife and children that

I truly love and appreciate my car and they'd better not

touch it.

Q: For $20,000 would you go for three months without

washing, brushing your teeth or using deodorant?

A: Yes, I would. But how much are you going to pay the


Q: Would you be willing to give up sex for one year if you

knew it would give you a much deeper sense of peace than you

have now?

A: No, but I'd be willing to give up peace for a year.

Q: Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire.

After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to

safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it


A: That's easy: my Indian passport. If there's anything

worse than watching your house on fire, it's spending a day

at the Indian embassy. A friend of mine walked in with a

full head of hair and walked out with a bald spot. I really

felt bad for her.

Q: If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you chose,

would you?

A: I can't think of any particular person I'd want to hurt.

But I'd definitely take the doll with me the next time I go

to the embassy.

Funny Questions

Why are there seeds in seedless watermelons?

Why are there more overweight (fat) people in the world

than starving people?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Isn't it sour already?

How many hours a year do we lose trying to get to an actual live human being on the phone

when we have a problem that the computer/answering system can’t solve.

Why is milk a necessary ingredient to make instant potatoes?

Is milk removed when potatoes are dehydrated?

How does one milk a potato?

Should a person with a beard wash it with soap or just use shampoo?

Should someone invent beard shampoo?

If vampires don't breath, how can they talk?

If the laws of attraction really work, why do most of the gamblers who play in Vegas lose?

They all really think the're going to win, don't they?

If psychics can really see the future, why don't they all come to Vegas and get rich gambling?

When people say that the world is getting smaller, do they mean the cans, boxes and other containers

of things we buy get smaller while the price stays the same (or sometimes increases)?

Who wants 2.4 servings of something anyway?

Stupid Questions

Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it
actually turns on?

If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called
a bullshit?

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it
runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains
neither grapes, nor nuts?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there
a song about him?

Why is it called a "drive through" if you
have to stop?

Why does mineral water that has "trickled through
mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?

Why are Softballs hard?

Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews,
credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?

If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio
out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the
bathroom is?

Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you
plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.

Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams?

Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at
least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving
a dump?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty
is an egg?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained
to the counter?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come
from morons?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out
of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

How come you press harder on a remote control when you
know the battery is dead?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green
or a lemon called a yellow?

If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread
always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered
bread on top of a cat?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still

What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?

Where's the egg in an egg roll?

Why aren't blue berries blue?

Where is the lead in a lead pencil?

Why is Greenland called green when it is covered in