General Jokes

☻Abracadabra
Nope, ur still ugly!
☻2 cows in a field. 1 cow says 'Hv U hrd about ths mad cow disease?'
T oTr thinks & replies 'Yep but it doesn't affect us rabbits.'
☻T Japanese hv banned all animal movements after discovering droppings in T Bdding in 2kyo.
Ty Blieve it could B a case of Fu2n Mouse.
☻Hw do U occupy an idiot?
Press down - Press up!
☻2 men R fishing. A funeral march goes by. T 1st man places his h@ on his chest. 2nd man says ''Th@'s nice.
1st man says 'It's T least I cn do. We wr married for 25 years.'
☻Y did T farmer win a noBl prize?
Bcoz he was out st&ing in his field!
☻Y did T jelly baby go 2 school?
Bcoz it wanted 2 B a smarty.
☻Wht do U cll a dog with no legs?
It doesn't m@ter wot U cll him, he ain't gonna cum.
☻For sale complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 74 volumes. Good condition. £1,000 ONO.
No longer needed, got married, T wife knows eVthing!
☻I went 2 by sum camouflage trousers T oTr day
But I cdnt find NE.
☻Y did T cnnibal rush over 2 T cafeteria?
He hrd children wr half price.
☻Y dnt lobsters shR?
Bcoz Ty're shellfish.
☻I'm an alien I've transformed in2 Ur ph1 & as U're reading ths I'm having sex with Ur finger.
I know U like it Bcoz I cn C U smiling!
☻T jogger who overslept found himself running...
l@e.
☻A girl ph1d me T oTr day & said 'Come no over, Tre's nobody home'.
I went over. Nobody was home.
☻Woman asks a barman 'Cn I hv a double entendre please?'
so T barman gave her 1.
☻2 aerials meet on a roof - fell in love & got married.
T ceremony was terrible, but T reception was brilliant!
☻I had a ploughman's lunch T oTr day.
He wasn't V happy.
☻Y dnt c@s shv?
Coz 80% prefer Whiskers!
☻Wht do U cll a vicar on a mo2r bike?
Rev.
☻Did U hear about T Dutch man with T infl@able shoes?
He popped his clogs!
☻Chelsea signed 2 players from Icel&.
Ranieri said 'If Ty R no good he wll try Sainsburys.
☻Hw do U communic@e with a fish?
Drop it a line.
☻Wht do elephants hv for dinner?
An hour, just like T rest of T animals.
☻Hw does Bob Marley like his s&wiches?
Wi jammin.
☻Wht do U cll a triple barrel shotgun?
A trifle.
☻Wht do U cll a h&cuffed man?
Trus2rthy.
☻Wht do Mexicns hv under Tir carpets?
Underlay! Underlay!
☻Wht's T maximum penalty of bigamy?
2 moTrs-in-law.
☻Wht do U get if U cross a skunk with a boomerang?
A bad smell U cnt get rid of.
☻Wht's T fastest cake in T world?
Sc1.
☻Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense?
I'll tel U l8r.
☻Y R dumb blonde jokes all 1-liners?
So men cn underst& Tm.
☻Wot do U do if a blonde throws a grenade @ U?
Take T pin out & throw it back.
☻Hv U hrd about T magic trac2r?
It went down a country road & turned in2 a field.
☻I want 2 die peacefully in my sleep like my gr&f@her…
not screaming in terror like his passengers!
☻Spell hungry horse in 4 letters.
M T G G.
☻I used 2 like trac2rs...
...but now I'm an extrac2r fan.
☻My wife dresses 2 kill
T only problem is th@ she cooks in T same manner.
☻Wht did 1 magnet say 2 T oTr magnet?
I find U V @tractive.
☻Hw do U kp an idiot amused?
W@ch ths message until it goes away!
☻Tre wr 2 cows in a field - Daisy & MaBl.
D: 'I've bn artificially insemin@ed.'
M: 'I dnt Blieve U!'
D: 'Straight up, no bull!'
☻Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But don't worry...
I'm sure science Will come up With something To help you.
☻How to impress a woman: compliment her, kiss her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked, bring beer
☻There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: Jaguar in her garage, mink in her closet, tiger in her bed!
And of course adonkey to pay her bills!!
☻The average woman would rather have beauty than brains,
because the average man can see better than he can think
☻Brain Search: Brain detector activated, calibrating, now searching.........still searching......get a good grip of your gsm....
still searching.......no brains found
☻Why did they call it PMS?
Mad cow disease was already taken!
☻Mary had a little lamb
The doctor fainted!!!
☻When a man talks dirty 2 a women, its sexual harassment
when a women talks dirty 2 a man, its £3.95 per minute!
☻Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny
well...Enough about ME! How about you?
☻I Want triplets you want twins....
Lets get in bed and see who wins
☻Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now...
Sorry I am leaving now, I can't find a brain
☻Yesterday night I lay on my bed looking at the stars, then I wondered...
Hey, where on earth IS MY ROOF!
☻I wanted to send you something that would make you smile...
But the postman told me to get out of the mailbox
☻Drive carefully:
90% of people in this world are caused by accidents...
☻God made man and then rested,
God made women and then no one rested
☻Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
It's like when dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
☻blonde is on 1 side of a lake and yells 2 another blonde across the lake, 'How do I get 2 the other side?'
The other blonde yells back, 'U R on the other side!'
☻How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner
☻What do u call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1987 world hide and seek champion
☻What do 7'tall basketball players do in their off season?
Go to the movies and sit in front of you
☻Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went it would be hell
☻Why can't men get Mad Cow's Disease?
Because they are pigs
☻How many letters are in the Alphabet?
Nineteen. Because ET went Home on a UFO and the FBI went after him!
☻What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
Some traffic signs say stop
☻How do you keep an idiot in suspense............??
Tell you later........
☻Why don't blondes talk whilst having sex?
Because their mums told them not to talk to strangers!
☻Never let a man's mind wander,
It's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
☻What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan!
☻Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No you can have turkey like everyone else !
☻Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey - he's always stuffed !
☻We had grandma for Christmas dinner?
Really, we had turkey!
☻This turkey tastes like an old settee.
Well, you asked for something with plenty of stuffing.
☻What does Father Christmas write on his Christmas cards?
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L !!)
☻Why did the blond woman sneak past the pharmacy?
She didn't want to wake the sleeping tablets!
☻The average woman would rather have beauty than brains...
Because the average man can see better than he can think
☻What's the difference between Bigfoot and intelligent men?
Big foot has been spotted a few times
☻What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?
Ok you 2, don't start anything.
☻Two blondes were driving to Disney Land when they saw a sign that read, "Disney Land left"
So they turned round and went home.
☻Drink until she's cute
But stop before the wedding!
☻Guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter replies 'nothing special - we just flat out tell 'em they're gonna die'.
☻He said: "I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it."
She said: "You wear underpants, don't you?"
☻What's the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need; a man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.