Funny Questions,Funny Youtube Video Clips,Funny Thoughts,funny stuff,funny Sms,Funny Unanswered Questions

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Come backs

☻Hey, I may be fat, but you'll always be ugly, and I can diet.

☻Man: So, how do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

☻Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too, if you sit down.

☻Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: NO
Man: Sorry, I think you misheard me...I said, You Look fat in those pants.

☻Little Sister: Your Ugly.
You: And your quite good looking...for a Gorilla, that is...

☻Do you notice how I've kept my youthful complexion?
Yeah, so I see...all spotty

☻Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You are going to yours, and I'm going to mine.

☻Man: So, what's your sign?
Woman: No Entry

☻Man: I know how to please a Woman.
Woman: Well, please leave me alone.

☻Friend: I've just come back from the Beauticians
You: Pity it was closed...

☻Man: Please whisper those 3 little words that would make my day!
Woman: Go to hell

☻Friend: I've changed my mind...
You: Excellent, so does the new one work better?

☻Boss: Employees like that don't grow on trees you know...
You: How true Sir, they normally swing underneath them...

☻Brother: Why do you smell funny?
You: It's called Soap - don't think you've ever smelt it before...

☻Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a Female Impersonator.

☻Man: Hey there, haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, and that's why I don't go there anymore.

☻Man: Say, haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the head Nurse at the VD clinic.

☻Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: You know, you're dead right...I want you to go away!

☻Wife: Darling, do you think I'll lose my looks as I get older
You: With luck, yes

☻Work Colleague: Do you find me entertaining?
You: I reckon you are too dim to entertain a thought

☻Old Wife: Shall I put the TV on? Old Man: Well it would certainly improve the view in here...

☻You know, I've been asked to get married over a hundreds times.
Yeah, but your parents don't count...

☻How many people work in your office?
About half of them

☻Brother: I love biscuits
You: That's cuz your crackers

☻You: I reckon you'd make a great exchange student.
Friend: Wow, you really think so?
You: Yes, we might be able to exchange you for someone nice.

One Liners

☻Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

☻How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!

☻***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!

☻Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

☻FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.

☻Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.

☻Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!

☻Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!

☻I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!

☻Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

☻HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good where you gonna hide ME?

☻This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you

☻Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it.

☻A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

☻Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!

☻I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!

☻Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

☻Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.

☻I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.

☻How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.

☻Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...

☻U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....shit...I got wrong number...SORRY :)

☻I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU!

☻On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.

☻The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.

☻Nope.....u still ugly!

☻Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.

☻What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.

☻Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'

☻Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.

☻I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass.

☻How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.

☻How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!

☻It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.

☻Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻You are here: X

☻Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.

☻In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy.

☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

☻Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!

☻Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.

☻Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?

A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.

☻What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything.

☻Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

☻Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.'

☻Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick"
Boss asks: "How sick are u?"
Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???"

☻Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!

☻Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between!

☻I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS!

☻Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX!

☻When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number....

☻U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply!

☻Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

☻Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

☻I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.

☻The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.

☻There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.

☻Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

☻You may be recognized soon. Hide.

☻Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.

☻He who laughs last thinks slowest.

☻Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

☻I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.

☻Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???

☻Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

☻If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

☻You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.

☻My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch

☻If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me

☻Mind intentionally left blank...

☻I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem

☻Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

☻Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

☻If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

☻Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.

☻If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

☻The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

☻It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.

☻Born Free........Taxed to Death.

☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found

☻I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.

☻Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

☻My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.

☻Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now...

☻Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.

☻What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

☻Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.

☻Celibacy is not hereditary

☻Familiarity breeds children

☻Life is sexually transmitted

☻We do precision guesswork

☻Born free . . . Taxed to death

☻If it's too loud, you're too old

☻Common sense isn't common

☻Nothing succeeds like excess

☻Do pilots take crash-courses?

☻If it ain't broke, fix it until it is

☻The older I get, the older old is

☻Relax, its only Ones and Zeros

☻A closed mouth gathers no feet

☻Do witches run spell checkers?

☻I don't get even . . . . . I get odder

☻Allow me to introduce my selves

☻A feature is a bug with seniority

☻If I throw a stick, will you leave?

☻Justice: A decision in your favor

☻Strip mining prevents forest fires

☻A waist is a terrible thing to mind

☻Do not disturb. Already disturbed

☻Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

☻Today's subliminal message is . . .

☻Demons are a Ghouls best Friend

☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.

☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!

☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!

☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.

☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.

☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.

☻Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

☻Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

☻Fuck Me...are those real?

☻Be unique and different, just say yes.

☻Can I flirt with you?

☻Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.

☻Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.

☻Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.

☻Umh, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

☻Darling, I'm new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.

☻I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbour ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

☻If you don't wanna have kids with me, then why don't we just practice?

☻Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?

☻That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.

☻Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.

☻A hangover is the wrath of grapes

☻Everyone is entitled to my opinion

☻If it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert

☻I don't work here. I'm a consultant

☻Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes

☻The best things in life aren't things

☻I like feminists; I think they're cute

☻I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable

☻Does killing time damage eternity?

☻How can there be self-help groups?

☻"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy

☻BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy

☻Have a nice day. . . somewhere else

☻Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving

☻Exceptions always outnumber rules

☻Adults are just kids who owe money

☻All stressed out and no one to choke

☻Constipated people don't give a crap

☻I may not be perfect, but I'm all I got

☻Where there's a will, I want to be in it

☻Anything not nailed down is a cat toy

☻Never miss a good chance to shut up

☻All computers wait at the same speed

☻Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

☻How do you get off a non-stop flight?

☻How come night falls but day breaks?

☻How do I set the laser printer to stun?

☻If we quit voting will they all go away?

☻Is it time for your medication or mine?

☻INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)

☻I'm not getting older...I'm getting bitter

☻When all else fails manipulate the data

☻I'm as confused as a termite in a yo-yo

☻Insanity is my only means of relaxation

☻No guts, no glory, no brain, same story

☻Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw

☻I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert

☻I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier

☻When money talks, the criminal walks

Blonde Jokes

☻Q : Why are blonde jokes so short?
A : So men can remember them.

☻Q : Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
A : Because they can understand them

☻Q : How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A : Shine a flashlight in their ear.

☻Q : What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A : They're both empty from the neck up.

☻Q : Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A : From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK"

☻Q : Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A : So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills

☻Q : What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A : Far-from-thinking

☻Q : Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A : They keep breaking them with the hammers.

☻She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

☻She thought a quarterback was a refund.

☻She tripped on the cordless phone

☻She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind

☻She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

☻At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Leo

☻If she spoke her mind, she would be speechless

☻When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved

☻Q : What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A : She slipped off and fell down the drain

☻Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her months to figure out she could use it at night

☻Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice? Because it said "concentrate"

☻What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring

☻Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can t fit the bottle in the typewriter

☻What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!

☻What are two reasons why blondes don't mind their own business? No mind. No business

☻Why did 18 blondes go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed

☻Two blondes were driving to Tokyo Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, "Tokyo Disneyland Left", so they turned around and went home

☻Why did the blonde dye her hair red? Instant Intelligence!

☻Why do blondes drive BMWs? Because they can spell it

☻Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: On the back she saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.

☻Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: Space. The final frontier..........

☻Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.

☻Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don't have elevator jobs?
A: Cos they've no idea of the route.

☻Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes Twinkle?
A: You shine a torchlight in her ear.

☻Q: Did you hear about the blond Bear?
A: Got stuck in a hunter's trap, chewed off it's 2 paws and 1 leg, and was still stuck.

☻Q: How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O.

☻Q: How do you measure their intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in their ear.

☻It's with great tragedy that I report my blonde next door neighbour tried to kill her toy poodle.
She tried putting batteries in it.

☻To amuse a Blonde for hours, give her a sheet of paper with 'Please turn over' scribbled on both sides.

☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
A: The Branch Manager.

☻Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proof-reading.

☻Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

☻Q: Why do blondes love lightning?
A: They reckon somebody is taking their photo.

☻It's with tremendous sadness that I report a local blond girl has lost 95% of her brains....yes, her husband just died.

☻Q: What's brown, red, black and blue?
A: A Brunette who's been tellin one too many blonde jokes.

☻NEWSFLASH: Blonde girl fired from Banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones.

☻Q: Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
A: She couldn't find the recipe.

☻Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2. 1 to hold the Diet Irn-Bru and the other to call on 'Daddddyyy'

☻Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.

☻Q: What did the blonde do when she heard on the news that over 90% of accidents occur at the home?
A: She moved.

☻Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of Sixty?
A: A blonde parade.

☻Q: Why did the blonde call the job centre?
A: She wanted to find out how to cook food stamps.

☻Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in 6 or 12 pieces.
A: "Oh, only Six I think - I'd never manage to eat all 12 pieces."

☻Q: What do you call a Smart blonde?
A: A Golden Retriever.

☻Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-Air.

☻Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Cos sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

☻Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: Both are completely empty from the neck up.

☻Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

☻Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.

☻Q: How do you drive a blonde Insane?
A: Hide her Hair Dryer.

☻Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: alone.

☻Q: How do you know a blonde has robbed your house?
A: You notice the microwave is gone, but a note is there in it's place saying: "Thanks for the TV"

☻Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

☻Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat".

☻Q: What do you call a blonde on a University Campus?
A: A visitor.

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

☻Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have?
A: The one that never misses a period.

☻Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Thanks, guys!".

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and The Titanic?
A: They know how many men went down on The Titanic.

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There's fewer crabs in the Atlantic.

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Duke only 'had' Ten Thousand men.

☻Q: How does a horny guy spell relief?
A: B-L-O-N-D-E.

☻Q: Why was the Blonde Girl smiling as she walked down the marriage eisle?
A: Cos she knew she'd given her last Blow job.

☻Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.

☻Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: Both contain a cockpit

☻Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Great Tits!!!"

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a blow-up Doll?
A: Around 2 cans of hair spray.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like railway tracks?
A: Cos she's been laid all over the country.

☻Q: What does a blonde say after having multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team.

☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been playing with your Computer?
A: Your joy stick will be soaking wet.

☻Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
A: Cos both are steamy and wet on entry, and hey, they don't mind if you bring friends.

☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.

☻Q: What's the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A: Give her a cock and she'll be ready to blow.

☻Q: How would a blond interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

☻Q: What does a blonde look like after sex?
A: No idea mate. I'm already long gone....

☻Q: What's a blondes favorite Nursery Rhyme?
A: HumpMe DumpMe.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Cuz everyone gets a turn.

☻Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She loved to get filled with Cream.

☻Q: In a Blonde's mind what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.

☻Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a Coppers Horse?
A: So she won't shit on the street during a rally.

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.

☻Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.

☻Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde lesbian?
A: Well, she kept having affairs with men.

☻Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.

☻Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.

☻Q: When visiting Scotland, what is a Blonde's favorite destination?
A: Silicon Glen

☻Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

☻Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.

☻Q: What would a blonde use for protection during sex?
A: A bus shelter.

☻Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.

☻Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.

☻45. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?

☻Q: Why does a blond have T.G.I.F. on the front of her shirt?
A: Tits Go In Front.

☻Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.

☻Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.

☻Q: What's the blonde's idea of dental floss?
A: Pubic hair.

☻Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.

☻Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers.

☻Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!

☻Q: What do a 250cc Scooter and a blonde have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde on her back and a turtle on it's back?
A: Absolutely Nothing - both are totally screwed!

☻Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

☻Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.

☻Q: What do you call a brunette and 4 sexy blondes on a corner?
A: You don't, you see if you've got 4 condoms

☻Q: What do a blonde and an instant win lottery ticket have in common?
A: Simply scratch the box to win.

☻Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

☻It's important to realise that Blondes can't go water-skiing - when their crotch gets wet they think they gotta lay down...

☻. It's even more important to realise the big difference between blondes and bitches - a blonde will screw anyone, whilst a bitch will screw anyone but you...

☻It's worth remembering why blondes can't count to 70 - it's cos 69 is already a bit of a mouthful...

☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PHd in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Well, not everybody's went to town in a limo!

☻Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus

☻Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.

☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had 2 chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times.

☻Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right?
A: As if they've ever met!

☻Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

☻Q: What do blonde's do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

☻Q: What do blonde's do with their Assholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.

☻Q: What's the link between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: Both get screwed on the front of a Ford Fiesta.

☻Q: What nickname is most used by blonde's in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.

☻Q: What is blonde, brunette, blond, brunette ...?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.

☻Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your refridgerator?
A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers/courgette/zuchini.

☻Q: What's a 68 to a blonde?
A: It's where she goes down on you and you owe her one.

☻Q: What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
A: Clitty litter.

☻Q: Why is it that Blonde's always get confused in the Ladies rest room?
A: Well, it's cost they gotta pull their own pants down...

☻Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Because their balls would show.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde with an I.Q of 100?
A: A foursome.

☻84. Q: What is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde?
A: Vaseline and Poligrip.

☻85. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: There's a fold-up bed in the Stock room and permanent smiles on the Bosses' faces.

☻Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet fuck all.

☻Q: Why did the blonde give a b*** job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

☻Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.

☻Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.

☻Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
A: Her employer found that she was embezzling.

☻92. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.

☻Q: What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde's mouth?
A: Einstein's d**k.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handlebars.

☻Q: What did the blonde say during a xxx flick?
A: "Hey fellas, Look! There I am!"

☻Q: How does a blond prepare for safe sex?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.98. Q: What does XXX stand for?
A: Blondes co-signing a note.

☻99. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Finland, turn around and come back home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a tv set.

☻Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three of your fingers inside a bowling ball.

☻Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.

☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to EuroDisney?
A: She saw a sign saying: "EuroDisney Left" so she went home.

☻Did you hear about the blonde who put under Education on her job application, 'Hooked On Phonics'...

☻Q: What did the blonde girl name her pet Zebra?
A: Spot.

☻Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the pedestrian sign said "DON'T WALK".

☻Q: What does a blonde Owl say?
A: What, what?

☻Q: What do you see when you look directly into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.

☻Q: What did the Dumb Blonde do when she went to a film that had an NC-17 (no under 17's) rating? A: Went home and got 16 friends.

☻Q: What do you call a blond behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.

☻Q: How do you tell if a blonde writes Mysteries?
A: She's got a checkbook.

☻Q: How can you tell a FAX has been sent from a blonde?
A: There's a stamp on it.

☻Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: Threw it off a cliff.

☻Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: Keep breakin em' with hammers.

☻Q: What's the difference between blondes and McDonald's?
A: A blonde serves more people in a night.

☻Q: What happens when a blonde developes Alzheimers?
A: Her IQ goes up.

☻Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.

☻Q: What's the guaranteed method to totally confuse a Blonde Man?
A: Ask him to alphabetise a King-size bag of M&Ms.

☻Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.

☻Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it.

☻Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.

☻Q: What's the difference between a dumb blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: Manages to get the Pop Tarts out the toaster in one piece.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.

☻Q: How many stupid blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two - one to stand inside the bath, the other to pass the hair dryer.

☻Q: What's the diff between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

☻Q: Did you hear about the dumb blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

☻Q: What's a dumb Blondes favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply.

☻Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold?
A: No need for em to worry about blowing their brains out.

☻Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

☻Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on top of her.

☻Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champion.

☻Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

☻Q: What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
A: Having a fantastic time. Where am I?

☻Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: Present her with a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say "Hello"

☻Q: Why are blonde's immune to Mad Cow Disease?
A: It only affects the brain.

☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a natural blonde?
A: Blow in her ear - if natural, watch as she floats...

☻Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
A: Double-dumb.

☻Q: Where do you look for blonde's obituaries?
A: Under "Home Improvements."

☻Q: Why did the blonde go to the rehab center?
A: Because she thought she was hooked on phonics.

☻Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: 30 mins of begging.

☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's quite difficult opening the legs of an Ironing Board.

☻Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.

☻Q: What would you do if a Blond threw a hand grenade right at you?
A: You'd pull the pin and throw it back.

☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

☻Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

☻Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Mercedes?
A: You don't lend the Merc out to your friend.

☻Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Sooner or later they'll both end up in the gutter.

☻Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: She didn't want to waken the sleeping pills.

☻Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.

☻Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

☻Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.

☻Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night.

☻Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

☻Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

☻Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Well...Like, I dunno!

☻Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and the Yeti?
A: Yeti has been spotted.

☻Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

☻Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.

☻Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

☻Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.

☻Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

☻Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

A blonde going through a flashing red light.

☻Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
Because she blows the horn!

☻Why is a blonde like a door knob?
Because everybody gets a turn.

☻Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
Because she's been laid all over the country.

☻Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men!

☻What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
She picks up her purse and goes home.

☻To a blonde, what is long and hard?
Grade 4.

☻What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.

☻Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
Because at 69 they blow a rod...

☻What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

☻Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".

☻What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.

☻Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they're fucked.

☻ How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!

☻Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night.

☻A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"

☻A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

☻What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.

☻Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.

☻What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
She moved.

☻What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade.

☻Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

☻Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

☻Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

☻Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them

☻How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.

☻What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

☻Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She tripped on the cordless phone

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind

☻Did you hear about the blonde

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept

☻Did you hear about the blonde

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Leo

☻Did you hear about the blonde

If she spoke her mind, she would be speechless

☻Did you hear about the blonde

When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved

☻Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can t fit the bottle in the typewriter

☻What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!

☻What are two reasons why blondes don't mind their own business?

No mind. No business

☻Why did 18 blondes go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed

☻Two blondes were driving to Tokyo Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, "Tokyo Disneyland Left", so they turned around and went home

☻Why did the blonde dye her hair red?

Instant Intelligence!

☻Why do blondes drive BMWs?

Because they can spell it

☻Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

☻Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.

☻Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out.

☻Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.

☻How do you confuse a blonde?
Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Why does it work?
"Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"

☻Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

☻What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).

☻What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A blond doing cartwheels.

☻What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

☻Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
She missed the Earth!

☻Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew it both times!

☻What do a moped and a blond have in common?
They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

☻How do you know when a blond's been in your fridge?
Lipstick on the cucumbers!

☻What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

☻What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About 2 cans of hair spray

☻What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
Pick them up off the floor.

☻Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.

☻What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.

☻What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
Frosted Flakes.

☻What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
The Branch Manager.

☻What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?

☻How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

☻Why do blondes love lightning?
They reckon somebody is taking their photo.

☻It's with tremendous sadness that I report a local blond girl has lost 95% of her brains....yes, her husband just died.

☻What's brown, red, black and blue?
A Brunette who's been telling one too many blonde jokes.

☻NEWSFLASH: Blonde girl fired from Banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones.

☻Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
She couldn't find the recipe.

☻She was so blonde that...

☻She thought a quarterback was a refund.

☻She managed to trip over my cordless phone.

☻On the bottom of the job application where it said 'Sign Here' she wrote 'Aquarias'.

☻She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

☻She told me to meet her on the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".

☻She tried to place a bag of M&M's in alphabetical order.

☻She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

☻She took a ruler to bed so she could see how long she slept.

☻When she got an AM radio, it took her 10 month to figure out she could use it at night.

☻She spent 25 minutes staring at the Orange juice box cos it said - "concentrate"

☻She got stabbed in a Shoot out.

☻She used to sit on the tv so she could watch the couch.

☻When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

☻She thinks Eartha Kitt is a set of gardening tools.

☻When she saw the sign for YMCA she said: "LOOK, they've spelled MACY's wrong!!!"

☻She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".

☻She put lippie on her forehead cos her boyfriend told her to make up her mind.

☻She tried to drown a fish.

☻If you offered her a Penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.

☻She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

☻She took a Spoon to the Super Bowl.

☻It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.

☻She asked for a Price-check at the 'Everythings a Pound' store.

☻They had to burn her school down to get her outta 4th grade.

☻She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

☻When I was drowning in a lake and screaming out for a life saver she asked: "Grape or Cherry?"

☻She thought Meow Mix was a record for Cats.

☻She thought that Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.

☻She tried to drown a fish.

Silly Quotes

☻Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature

☻All of my friends and I are crazy.Thats what keeps us sane!

☻if barbie is so popular....then y do u have 2 buy her friends?

☻I intend to live forever- so far so good

☻Some say the glass is half empty, Some say the glass is half full, I say "are you gonna drink that?"

☻Iv got 2 sit down & work out where i stand!!!

☻Wen u smile the world smiles with u.wen ur down people will rally behind u.but wen u fart u r alone coz people will never stand by u!

☻people ask me if id pefer 2 go 2 hell or heaven i say hell coz its nice and warm down there

☻Im a nobody.. nobodys perfect.. therefore IM PERFECT!!!

☻I didnt kiss ur boyfriend! I told his lips a secret!!

☻I would stop eating chocolate.. but I'm not a quitter!

Nursery Jokes

☻Mary Mary quite contrairy how does your garden grow? Listen you prat i live in a flat so how the damn do i know.

☻Jack & Jill went up da hill 2 have a little fun.But stupid Jill forgot da pill and now they have a son.

☻Mary had a little lamb & tied it to a pylon a 1000 volts shot up its ass & turned it into nylon

☻Mirror Mirror on the wall.Whos the fairest of them all?The mirror laughed & den it spat- It sure aint u.u ungly prat!

Mama Jokes

☻Yo Star Trek nerd so hairy she make Chewbacca look like Jean Luc Picard.

☻Your house is so disgusting that I tripped over a rat, got bitten by a tarantula and to top it off - the cockroaches nicked ma wallet...

☻I saw Yo mama at the freak show petting the world's largest wilderbeast.

☻I could have been Yo daddy, but the gorilla in front of me in line didn't use a condom.

☻If yo Momma n Poppa got a divorce, heck, they'd still be Brother and Sister

☻Yo mama's so fat that when she walks across the living room, the radio skips

☻I got on the train last night - they had a new sign up reading - "Maximum Occupancy: 200 Patrons OR Yo Mama"

☻Yo grannie's so fat, on each of her butt cheeks she has "Place Your Ad Here" printed.

☻Yo mama's a stunt double for the Predator

☻Yo mama is so bad, when she got called for jury duty she was found guilty.

☻Yo sista so fat that she gets runs in her Levi's

☻Yo mama's so fat, she ain't on a diet, she's on a Triet - She's all like - "Whatever yo eating ... I'll try it!"

☻Yo Mother in law's so fat, she was floating in the Atlantic ocean and Spain claimed her as a New World.

☻Yo mama's so fat, she gobbles down Cookies as if they were tic-tacs

☻Your moma's so stupid she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.

☻Yo mama's so large, she went to get an all over tan and the sun burned out...

☻Your mamma's so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup.

☻Yo AOL buddy so stupid when the Computer said 'Press any key to continue', she phoned support complaing she couldn't find the 'any' key...

☻Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.

☻You mama's so daft she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.

☻Yo Cousin so stupid that when I said I was going to Thailand she asked me if they still sold Kippers....

☻Your so ugly even the Elephant Man makes jokes about ye!

☻Yo Nana so ugly she didn't get hit with an ugly stick, but with THE ugly log.

☻I was speaking to your parents - they told me you was such an ugly baby they had to feed you with a slingshot.

☻Yo' kid brother so hairy, when I took him to the zoo the gorillas went ape shit thinking I had stole one of their babies...

☻Yo mama only got 1 finger and runs around stealing key rings.

☻Yo auntie Ethel's so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice.

☻Yo mama's like the new AOL 7.0: Fast, fun, oh so easy and you get 100 hours FREE

☻Yo brother's mouth so damn enormous, he speaks in Dolby surround sound!

☻Yo girlfriend's hips are so big, folk set their drinks on them. Your Noggin's so damn big you gotta wash yer hair in the Niagra Falls...

☻Yo Mama's so freakin nasty, I talked to her over the PC and she gave me a virus.

☻Yo mama's like a pirate, there she blows
Yo mama is so fat she has three shirt sizes, jumbo, humongus, and "OH

☻Yo mama so poor i saw her kicking a can down the street and asked her what she was doing she said moving.
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept.
Yo mama's so damn stupid on a job application it said "sex" and she wrote Monday wednesday and sometimes friday.

☻Paris and Rico walked into the locker room holding his side and bending over. Paris says "ow man im so sore" Dario asks " whats wrong?" Paris replies " man yo mama was rough last night" Rico adds " she needs to loosen up"

☻Yo mama such a dirty whore that they're having to paternity test the whole state of Texas just to find out who yo daddy is!

☻Yo mamma so old that in the back seat of your car, kids don't say 'Are we there yet', they scream, 'Is she Dead yet!'

☻Yo mamas so hairy wen u were born u almost died of rugburn

☻Yo mama smells so bad, when she went to make friends with a skunk, the skunk got hit by a truck on purpose!

☻Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a bathroom and nearly pissed her

☻Yo mama so fat her logo is "we are family, burger king, mc donalds and

☻Yo mama so fat she has all the food caterers on speed dial

☻Yo mama is so big she tripped over wal-mart and landed on target and evey time she passes by the t.v. i miss a seoson of friends

☻Your mommas so old someone told her to act her age and she died

☻Yo mama so poor that when i stepped on a cigarette she cried, hey, who turned off the heater.

☻Your sister is so ugly she reminds me of your mom.

☻Yo mamma so ugly, yo daddy would rather kiss her ass before going work everyday

☻Your moms so ugly the mailman mistacked her as the dog.

☻You mama so fat she stepped on an airplane and it turned into a submarine

☻This is a fact, yo mama's breath Is wack, she needs a tic, not a tac, but the whole damn pack
I don't mean to be mean, but yo mama needs listerine, not a sip, not a swallow, but the whole damn bottle.

☻Yo Mama's teeth are so yellow, cars slow down when she smiles!
Yo Mama's breath is so bad, she made a tic tac run away!

☻Your jokes are so corny that the corns on your toes got jealous.
Yo mama so ugly when she looked out the window she was arrested for 1st degree murder.

☻Yo mama like a fast food restaraunt - quick and easy!!!

☻Yo moma is so fat when it rains she uses a highway for a slip 'n' slide

☻Yo mamma so damn fat that when she traveled back to the dinosaur times and she took a step the dinosaurs said what the hell is happing...oh shit its a real damn earthquake.

☻Your mama so stupid when she saw a kid dress as a devil in halloween she thouth she was in hell

☻Yo Momma's so ugly, even Sloth from the Goonies wouldn't date her.

☻Yo mama like a shotgun - five cocks and shes loaded

☻Yo Mamma so damn ugly she makes Anne Ramsey look like J Lo.

☻Yo' mamma so ugly she got arrested for vandalizing a mirror shop.

☻Yo mama so stupid she put a peep hole in a glass door

☻Yo mama like nascar - two rubbers and shes ready to ride.

☻Yo mama's so ugly, she made a blind man cry!

☻Yo mamma so old, fat and hairy, that when she took you to the zoo the zookeepers thought a silverback Gorilla had abducted you!

☻Yo mama so fat, that when u were born, they had 2 send out a search party to find ya!

☻Yo mama soooo ugly, she works as a double for Saddam Hussein.

☻Yo moma so stupid if she would to speak her mind she would be speachless

☻Yo mama soooo poor she can't even pay attention!

☻Yo kid brother so damn ugly that the kids at school have started saying, "Hey Gollum, give us your autograph"

☻Yo mama so0o0o fat, one day she walked out with a yellow rain jacket on and the children began yelling, "Hey, the School Bus is here!"

☻Yo mama so0o0o fat, she takes baths in the Atlantic Ocean

☻Listen buddy, your mommy is so freakin dumb that if you told her pappa was a rolling stone, she'd tell her momma to put mick jagger on child support!

☻Yo Momma so damn fat the Police where going to use her as an emergency air mattress when Michael Jackson started dangling his baby.

☻Hey, yo momma so damn fat when her beeper goes off people turn around to see if she is backin up!!

☻Yo moma so fat when she wears a yellow rain coat all the people yell "taxi"

☻Yo mama's so damn fat that when she was kidnapped her face covered every side of the milk carton!

☻You so ugly when a friend walked you into school the teachers said sorry no pets aloud!

☻Your Mama so dumb she brought a spoon to the super bowl.

☻Yo Mama's so damn ugly that she turned your dad gay.

☻Yo mama's so bald, Mr. Clean got jealous.

☻Hey, your Momma is so sluttie I'd call her a hoe but hoes' get paid.

☻Yo Mamas so damn greasy that she has to use bacon for a bandaid.

☻Yo' mama so dumb she got locked inside Matress World and slept on the floor.

☻Yomomma so hairy that when she puts her arm to her side it looks like she has Don King in a headlock.

☻Yo mama so stupid that she got stabbed in a shoot out.

☻Yo mama so fat that when she went to sea world the little kids ran away and told their parents that a whale escaped.

☻Yo' Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!

☻Yo mama so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch.

☻Yo' Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!

☻Your mama's so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!

☻Yo Mama so damn old she used to Gang Bang with the Flintstones and had an affair with Captain Caveman.

☻Yo mamas so fat she shoved a battery up her ass and yelled "I got the Power!".

☻Yo mama so stupid and clumsy, she got tangled in a cordless phone.

☻Yo mama soooo fat, she put on a yellow dress and the kids thought she was the school bus.

☻Yo' Sista's just like a like a Popsicle - everybody wants a fuckin lick!

☻Yo Mamma's so hairy she just got an armpit trim and lost 20 pounds!

☻Yo Moma sooooo ugly, I could have been yo Daddy but the dog beat me under the fence!

☻Yo momma is soooooo stupid, she wears a t-shirt that says "hukd on fonicks woorkd fo mi"

☻Yo mam like a screen door - after a couple of bangs she tends to loosen up.

☻Yo mama is so fat she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles!

☻Yo mama so stupid she puts a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept

☻I heard that Yo mama is on the warpath - she lost a finger and now can't count past 9...

☻Yo mama so nasty when she masterbates, she gets arrested for cruelty to animals.

☻Yo mama's blind and is seeing another man.

☻Yo mama's glasses are so damn thick she can see into the future.

☻Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.

☻You gotta tell yo moma to stop changing lipstick color - I'm now getting a freakin Rainbow on my d**k!

☻Yo sista so damn stupid on her last job application where it said 'Sex?' she marked "M, F, and occasionally on a Thursday too.."

☻You' big brother so damn stupid that on his last job application, under emergency contact he put 999 (911).

☻Yo mam is so stupid - I just aks her about her X-Men and she said: "Well, my first baby's daddy was Jimmy...and I still see Johnny on Fridays...."

☻Yo Grannie so stupid she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.

☻Yo Mother in law's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road.

☻Yo Momma's like a Snickers bar - packed full with with nuts.

☻Yo ex-girlfriend's like Humpty Dumpty... first she gets humped, then she gets dumped.

☻Yo mama's like a race car driver...she burns a lot of rubbers...

☻Yo Auntie just like the Suez Canal - Vessels full of Seamen passing through everyday...

☻Yo gilfriends's afro so damb big, when the bitch got in my car everyone thought I had tinted windows.

☻Yo Mama ass so huge she take up 5 rows in the cinema...

☻Yo Papa's so short, he tried to commit suicide with a pin.

☻Yo Grannie's so enormous that when she went to the drycleaners to hand in her underwear, they put up a sign - 'NO PARACHUTES ALLOWED'

☻You Biology teacher so freakin stupid she thinks that DNA is the National Dyslexics Association.

☻Yo' best friend so idiotic she thoughtt Menopause was a button on her walkman.

☻You Momma so fat and stupid that her waist is bigger than her I.Q.

☻Tell Yo' girlfriend my Dog wanna know how much he owes her for last night...

☻Yo' papa so damn strange that he invented a water-proof teabag.

☻Yo mother in law so bald that when she put on a sweater, folk thought she was a roll on deoderant!

☻Did you know flies were given wings so that they could beat yo mama to the dump?

☻I heard yo house was made out of bog paper - why? cuz your whole family full of crap!

☻Yo kid brother so fat and ugly Peter Jackson offered him the part of the Cave Troll in lord of the rings

☻You Nose so damn big that we use yer snotters as Footballs.

☻Yo Momma so mad that she even made Kurt Russell escape from LA.

☻Yo Nana so ghetto she washes paper plates.

☻Oi, yo need to tell you mama to stop wearing the blue lipstick...I got balls like a smurf now!

☻You so skinny, you turned sideways and disappeared.

☻Yo mama's so bald, when she braids her hair, it remind me of stitches.

☻Yo Mama so fat when she steps on a scale it reads "One at a time, please".

☻Yo mama so fat and stupid that she was fired from Forrest Gump cuz she kept eating the box of chocolates.

☻Yo Sista so fat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.

☻Yo Mama so poor that she uses tumbleweed as a Xmas tree.

☻You Mommy so hairy she's got afros on her nipples.

☻Yo' mama breath so disgustingly bad that she needs Freshmints with batteries in it

☻Yo Papa's like an old arcade machine - toss in a quarter and you can play with his joystick.

☻Yo mama such a bitch, she interned for Clinton.

☻I told her drinks were on the she went and got a ladder...

☻she make Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner

☻she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Cif.

☻she noticed a sign reading 'Wet Floor' she just did!

☻it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

☻when you were born, she looked at your umbilical cord and said, "Wow, it comes with cable too!"

☻she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken.

☻she got locked in the Quickie Mart and nearly starved to death.

☻she sold her Car for Petrol cash!

☻she reckoned a Quarterback was a refund...

☻she once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a Kerb.

☻she leaves tell tales signs she's been using my computer - white out (tipp ex) is on the screen.

☻she took a job cutting grass on an Oil Rig.

☻I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.

☻it took her 2 days to make Microwaveable Pot Noodles.

☻she invented a silent car alarm.

☻that when you stand beside her you can actually hear the ocean

☻she really thought the cinema was selling Free Willies...

☻she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.

☻she was born on Halloween and can't remember her birthday.

☻she thought Morning Dew was a New York radio station.

☻she lost her shadow.

☻she went to a Whalers game to see Kiko.

☻she somehow got fired from a Blow-Job

☻she thought Hot Meals were stolen food.

☻she make Laurel and Hardy look like Nobel Prize winners.

☻when I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she asked me...'Which colour?'

☻Anything Yo's - So Damn Stupid...

☻Yo Poppa so stupid he studied for a Dope test!

☻Yo Postman so stupid that on his recorded delivery form where it says 'Don't write below dotted line', he puts 'OK'

☻Yo teacher so stupid she booked herself into the Bettie Ford clinic cos she thought she was Hooked On Phonics.

☻Yo Boss so stupid he bought everybody in the department solar powered flashlights incase of a blackout...

☻Yo Business associate so stupid he thought Gangrene was another golf course.

☻Your Kid Sister so damn stupid she put your puppy in the oven to make a Hot Dog.

☻Yo' Sister is so insanely stupid that last week she asked me to go to the lost and found with her when she missed her period.

☻Yo Dentist so stupid he uses mayonnaise as tooth filler

☻Yo Sister so dumb that she thought Taco Bell was Mexican phone company.

☻Your Grandpa so achingly stupid he think Beirut is a famous baseballer.

☻Your kid bro so stupid he try to strangle himself with his mobile phone.

☻Yo Minister so stupid he gives Sermons on Genesis....Phil Collins old band...

☻Your Kid sister so damn stupid she stands up on an empty School bus.

☻Yo Mom so stupid that Oxford had to change the definition of now read: Dumb(n) - yo' Mama

☻Yo Burglar so stupid he broke into yo house and stole food stamps

☻You cousin so stupid I told him to take out the he moved house...

☻Yo Bus driver so stupid that she went to Disneyworld, saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so drove home.

☻Yo Politics professor so stupid he ask George W Bush to guest lecture on Government 101.

☻Yo' accountant so darn stupid he thinks a Quarterback is an income tax refund.

☻Your Computer Repairman so stupid he picks up your floppy's with magnets

☻Yo Mother-in-law so stupid, she won first place in the Dan Quale spelling contest

☻Yo Archeology Professor so damn stupid they have to dig for her IQ!

☻Yo Girlfriend so stupid, she teaches night classes at Stupid College.

☻Yo' Father in law so idiotic that he took a spoon to the superbowl.

☻Yo Sister's so stupid she could trip over a cordless telephone.

☻Yo Dog walker so stupid he took yo pet dog to the Clippers game to get him a haircut

☻Your Big Sister so god awfully stupid that they had to burn her school down just to get her out of 3rd grade.

☻Yo Father's so freakin stupid he has 1 toe on each foot, yet he just bought himself a pair of flip flops.

☻You Grandma's so stupid when I tell her it's chilly outside, she goes to fetch a bowl.

☻Your Grandpa so freakin stupid he sent me a fax with a 1st class stamp on it!

☻Yo BT Telephone repairman so freakin stupid he asked me what the number for 999 was...

☻Yo girlfriend so stupid when her Apple Mac says 'You've got mail" she runs outside to wait for the Postman

☻Yo Uncle so astonishingly stupid that he thought Nestle Cheerio's were a new type of Donut Seed

☻Yo Auntie so dumb her weekly shopping list consist of 1 item - 'Hundreds and thousands'

☻Your Dog's so stupid he bury's his own tail

☻Yo mama's so stupid, wait...she had you didn't she!

☻Yo Mother in law so stupid I saw her in Safeway's frozen food section with a fishing rod

☻Yo Uncle so stupid...heck, he marry your Auntie for christ sake!

☻Yo Priest so stupid I saw him worshiping at the feet of David Copperfield

☻Yo Reverand so stupid he asks David Ike for advice

☻Yo Grannie so dumb she go to the 24-hr convenience store and asks what time do they close...

☻Yo Mother in law so hellishly stupid, that Tony Blair is considering making dumbness a crime, punishable by lethal injection.

☻Your doctor's so stupid he uses his mp3 player as a stethoscope

☻Yo Mama So Ugly

☻she put the Boogie man outta business.

☻she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt

☻when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already..."

☻when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'

☻she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!

☻minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said "Yes, now let's go and bury her..."

☻they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.

☻when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote!

☻yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye...

☻she put Marilyn Manson out of business.

☻she was a guard at Snake Mountain

☻they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock...

☻even Harry Knowles refused to date her.

☻they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!

☻she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.

☻Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.

☻you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.

☻she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.

☻we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.

☻I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.

☻her shadow gave up.

☻people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her...

☻her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.

☻when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.

☻hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.

☻instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.

☻they gave her a middle name...'accident'.

☻she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.

☻when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!

☻even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her...

☻when she was born the Doc smacked her face.

☻Anything Yo's - So Ugly...

☻Yo Poppa so ugly he turned Medusa to Stone.

☻Yo Postman so freakin ugly he made the guard dogs shit themselves.

☻Yo Dentist so ugly they don't need anasthetics

☻Yo Boss so ugly people go as him for halloween.

☻Yo Priest so ugly that he have to give his Sermon from inside the Confessional Box.

☻Yo Teacher so ugly when she walks into the Building Society they turn off the CCTV cameras.

☻Yo Sister so Ugly that George Lucas cast her in Star Wars 3 as Jabbas wife - without the need for a costume.

☻Your kid bro so ugly that for Halloween he tricks or treats on his mobile phone!

☻Your Kid sister so damn ugly that when she sits on a sand dune at the beach, the cats try to bury her.

☻You cousin so ugly that when he threw a boomerang, it refused to come back.

☻Yo Driving Instructor's so ugly he has to wear a ski-mask when teaching.

☻Yo Mother-in-law so ugly, she won first place in the Wookie lookalike contest.

☻Your Girlfriend's so insanely ugly that I can screw her in any position and it's still Doggy-style!

☻Yo Girlfriend so ugly they put her in the Chimp enclosure to stop the Chimpanzee's from jerking off!

☻Yo' Father in law so ugly that his American Express card left home without him...

☻Yo Sister's so ugly that she must been conceived on the Motorway - ain't that where most accidents happen?

☻Yo Dog walker so ugly that he once took your Mutt to Crufts and WON - oh, the dog came second...

☻Your sister-in-law so god awful ugly that Durex want to use her as a poster child.

☻Yo Father's so ugly his hairline ain't's his hair that's running away from his ugly noggin.

☻You Grandma's so Ugly her Shrink makes her lie face down on the couch.

☻Your Grandpa so freakin ugly that when he gets up in the mornin, the Sun goes down.

☻Yo' Mum so ugli that even Prince Charming refuses to kiss her - he'd rather live as a frog.

☻Yo older sister so ugly that Mommy had to feed her with a fishing rod.

☻Yo Uncle so astonishingly ugly that whenever he comes over and goes to your bathroom, the toilet flushes.

☻Your Dog's so ugly as yo Momma that I had to shave its arse and make it walk backwards...

☻Yo mama's so ugly, hold got a mirror handy???

☻Yo Mama's sister so ugly that Blind men refuse to have sex with her.

☻Yo Uncle so ugly, Spielberg wants him in Addams Family 3

☻Your kid so ugly the Doctor is STILL smacking his ass.

☻Yo Mother in law so hellishly ugly, that president George W Bush is considering making ugliness a crime, punishable by the electric chair

☻Yo Momma's so ugly that she hurt my feelings...

☻Your doctor's so ugly she manages to give Freddy Kreuger Nightmares!

☻Yo Moma So Old

☻she left her purse on Noah's Ark.

☻Jurassic Park brought back the memories...

☻when she ran the 100 metre dash, they timed her with a sundial.

☻she still owes Moses a dollar.

☻when she was at school...there was No history class!

☻she uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea

☻she's got the first autographed Koran.

☻she co-wrote the 4th Commandment.

☻when I asked for her ID she handed me a rock

☻she even made Yoda jealous.

☻she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch.

☻the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake

☻when she gave birth, You came out with Dentures.

☻she sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade

☻her first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.

☻vher birthday expired.

☻when Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo momma fishing on the other side!

☻she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.

☻Anything Yo's - So Old ...

☻Yo Grandpa so old his social security number is 000-000-001

☻Yo Priest so old he's got Adam and Eve's autograph

☻Yo Archeology Professor so old we found cave drawings of her.

☻Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust

☻You Postman so damn old his zip code is 00001.

☻Yo' geeky Star Wars friend so old he used to baby sit Yoda

☻Yo Doctor so old he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.

☻Yo hairdresser so old she used to cut Betty Rubble's hair

☻You so old you used to gang bang wid the Flintstones

☻Yo' home helper so old she was once a waitress at the last supper

☻Yo Grannie so old Spielberg hired her as historical consultant on Jurassic Park

☻Yo Nana so old she the only Creature in Jurassic Park they never had to animate

☻You Gardener so old she uses T-Rex dropping as fertilizer.

☻Yo History teacher so damn old he was co-author of the Dead Sea scrolls

☻Your Aunties so old that when God said 'let there be light', she was the one flicking on the light switch.

☻Yo Math teacher so old he baby-sat for Pythagorus

☻Yo Minister so old he used to get sermon tips from Zeus.

☻Yo Bookie so old he offered odds of 4 to 1 on Adam eating the apple

☻Yo Poppa so old and ugly they call him Captain Caveman

☻Yo sister so old she's more ancient than everything seen on the Antiques Road Show

☻yo' Mother in law so old she the only one at the old folks home with a senior citizens discount.

☻Yo' Papa so ancient that Mel Gibson hired him to offer insights on what life was like with William Wallace

☻I told yo big sister to act her own age...and she died.

☻You Dog so old it farts out dust.

☻Yo Boyfriend so old his birth certificate says "Expired" on it.

☻Yo Computer geek friend so old he used to babysit Pascal

☻Your Girlfriend's so old, she invented the term 'oldest profession in the world'

☻Yo' mother-in-law so ancient she's in Jesus's yearbook!

☻Yo Gardener's so damn old he remembers when the Garden of Eden was just a plant

☻Yo' big brother so old, he used to run Track with dinosaurs.

☻Your mother-in-law so freakin old she's got ROman Numerals on her birth certificate

☻Yo Moma So Poor

☻that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.

☻they put her photo on food stamps.

☻when I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.

☻she waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air conditioning.

☻burglars break into her home and leave money.

☻when I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.

☻the building society repossed her cardboard box.

☻she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.

☻each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk's fingers

☻she can't even afford to go to the free clinic.

☻when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing....'Moving' she replied.

☻I caught her trying to use food stamps in the Gobstopper machine.

☻when I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'

☻I asked her where the 'facilities were' and she replied - "Pick a corner...ANY corner..."

☻I visited her house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed - "Who's tearing down the drapes!!!!"

☻I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said "Sure thing, it's 4th tree on your right..."

☻only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted...

☻when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."

☻she hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.

☻closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping trolley....with a box on it...

☻she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.

☻I went into her 'living room', stepped on a Fag butt and she shouted - "Oi, who turned off the heater!"

☻I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying - "Who knocked???"

☻I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence.

☻she does drive by shootings on the school bus.

☻when she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she groule - "Don't use the good china"

☻Anything Yo's - So Poor...

☻You're so poor even Beggars give you money.

☻Yo Grannie so damn poor she bounces food stamps.

☻Your Teachers so poor she can't even afford to pay attention.

☻Yo Priest so poor he uses cardboard and ribena as bread and wine substitutes.

☻Yo Doctor so poor, he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.

☻You family so poor you's live in a 2-story Cracker Jack box.

☻Yo sister is so po...shit, she can't even afford them last 2 letters!

☻Yo Dentist is so poor she uses white-out/tippex as your tooth filler.

☻Yo' Cleaner so poor she can't afford a mop - she stands on her head in order to mop the floor...

☻Yo Poppa so poor his idea of Desert was to go outside and collect the 'yellow snow'...and yo loved it, didn't ya!

☻You Star Wars friend so insanely poor that I walked into his house, asked to use the bathroom, and he handed me a shovel saying: "May the force be with you."

☻Yo Father so poor that when I aks him what for dinner, he take off his shoelaces and says - Spaghetti!

☻Yo older sis getting so poor she's planning on getting married...just so she can get the rice at the wedding.

☻Your lecturer so poor he uses his cardboard box as a blackboard.

☻Yo' so poor, you get more government handouts than an English farmer

☻Yo' best friend so poor he have to fart just to get a scent (cent).

☻Yo Gossiping wife so poor she can't even afford to put her two cents into this conversation...

☻Yo Grannie so poor that when I asked her what's for dinner, she tried to throw ME in the oven!

☻Yo' Mommy so poor I went over for dinner, saw 3 beans on the table...took one and she said - "Don't be greedy!"

☻You Auntie's so poor she gotta live in a 2-story Dorritos bag...

☻Yo big brother so freakin poor I stepped on his old banged up skateboard and he yelled - "Get off my F****in CAR"

☻Yo Computer geek friend so poor he uses a Commodore 64 to surf the web.

☻Your pimp so poor he just bought an imitation of a fake Rolex

☻Yo Reverand so poor the congregation run over animals outside the church just to help with food...

☻Yo Gardener's so damn poor that when I pissed in his yard he thanked me for watering the lawn...

☻Yo Mama's so damn poor, her front porch matt says 'Wel'...

☻You so piss poor...hold on, you don't have a pot to piss in or even a window to throw it out of...

☻Yo Uncle so poor I went into his house, swatted a pesky firefly and he screamed - "Who turned out the lights?"

☻Yo Nana so sickenly poor I walks into her house, asked to use the toilet and she hand me 2 large sticks. I ask what they're for and she says: "Use one to hold up the ceiling...use the other to fight off the cockroaches..."

☻Yo half-sister so damn poor even the Republicans were willing to give her welfare.

☻Anything Yo's....

☻Yo Mamma's feet so skanky that when your family wants jam pieces, she gets yo brother to run a loaf of bread between her toes.

☻Yo' Grannies neck so damn wrinkled, I use it as a cheese grater.

☻I got notin bad to say about Yo Momma - heck, her face says it all...

☻Your pet Cat so freakin nasty it bit ma dog and gave it rabies.

☻Yo Auntie so stinkin that a skunk smelled her butt and passed out.

☻Yo mama's so poor, TV dinner trays are her good china.

☻Damn it, just realised that last yo is as old as the crust in yo Sister's knickers...

☻You liked that mama joke didn't ya? Good?...well, nowhere near as good as Yo Mama was last night :)

☻But, hey, if I wanted a comeback, christ, I'd just wipe it off Yo Mamma's chin...

☻Yo Mama like a television - even a 2 year old can turn her on!

☻You brother so hairy Big foot is taking his picture..

☻Yo Mother in law so stinky she use Right Guard and Left Guard.

☻Your Grandpa's so hairy, Jane Goodall follows him around.

☻Yo Star wars geeky friend so damn hairy, she's a stunt double for Chewbacca and her baby daughter played the leader of the Ewoks (no makeup needed).

☻Yo English teacher so damn stupid, she failed a survey...

☻Yo Sista like a mailbox, open all day and all night...

☻Yo mama's so clumsy, she got tangled up in a Mobile phone.

☻Yo mama's like an elevator - blokes go up and down on her all day. Yo Mother in law so dmamnd Dislexus when I told her to go get some Head and Shoulders...she jump on top of me Shoulders and gave me head!!!

☻Your IM buddies so damn stanky, I can smell them over the interweb

☻Only job yo ever gonna get is as a blind bird-watcher.

☻Yo idiotic Doctor so damn greasy that he uses Bacon as a bandaid

☻Yo Dog so short it's best friend is an Ant.

☻Yo Auntie so flat chested she jealous of the wall.

☻Yo girlfriend so cheap I threw her a penny for sex and she gave me change...

☻The first line in the Bible was mistranslated - it actually reads - 'In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth and yo' fat ugly Mama'

☻Yo Grandpa's house so damned cold, the Roaches ice skate around the kitchen.

☻Yo Momma house so small that I put my Key in the doorlock and broke the freakin back window!

☻I heard yo mama got fired from her job at the sperm bank - the boss caught her drinking on the job...

☻Yo baby sista's nose so long, it make Steffi Graf jealous...

☻Yo Mam so damn ugly, look like the ho was hit by the whole freakin Ugly Tree!!!

☻Yo Mama so old - heck, the first line of the Koran was mistranslated - it should read 'All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds and Father of Yo' Mama'...

☻I heard that yo Granny was so disgustingly ugly that on a holiday to Egypt she looked up a Camel's ass and scared the hump off of it!

☻Yo Driving Instructor so damn old he got hieroglyphics on his Driver license.

☻Yo Cousin so old she drives a chariot to High school

☻I took yo Mama to the Doctor's - I tell him that she feeling poorly and that she only got 1 toe and 1 knee. Doc tells me she's contracted 'Tony'...

☻Yo Boss so damn ugly that when he leaned out the window the Police arrested him for attempted murder

☻That Grandpa of your's so stupid and poor that when I came over for Dinner he read me recipes...

☻Yo wee brother so damn hairy that he went for a short back and sides and lost 30 pounds...

☻Yo mama's chest hair so damn long, it growing all the way down to her willy.

☻Yo mama's so nice, she offered me the hair off her back.

☻Yo Mother in law so nasty, she got more clap than an auditorium.

☻I's apologise for talkin bout Yo Mama...I should know better...hell, I don't even know the Man...

☻No seriously, under all that hair yo Mama is really a Saint....a saint Bernard!

☻But really, yo Mamma is just like a golf course - everybody gets a hole in one!

☻Yo Nana still so fat she wears a Microwave as a beeper.

☻And yo Mother-in-law so huge she stole my pillow cases when she ran outta socks.

☻Yo mama should be locked away, cos every time she moons people they turn into werewolves

☻She nasty too ya know - yo daddy just got out of hospital after eating her out - he caught food poisining...

☻Yo'momma so ugly she actually is very good at her job: Being a scarecrow
☻Yo Momma Like

☻a hardware store - only 10 cents a screw.

☻a bus - only 50 pence a ride

☻a 747 - a 3 man cock pit!

☻a shotgun - first she cocks...then she blows.

☻a Hoover - she sucks, blows, and finally gets laid back in the closet...

☻a BT phonebox - on every damn corner and costs only 20p a go

☻an arcade machine - dirty, smelly, costs 20 pence and lasts 30 seconds

☻a door knob - cos everybody gets a turn!

☻the sun - if you stare at her too long you're gonna go blind.

☻a Christmas tree - everybody hangs balls on her.

☻Pizza Hut - not there in 30's free.

☻a Bowling Ball - she gets picked up, fingered, thrown into the gutter, yet she still comes back for more...

☻a stamp - you lick her, then stick her, and finally then send her away.

☻McDonalds ... Billions and Billions served...

☻a railroad track - she gets laid all over the country.

☻the Pillsbury dough boy - everybody loves to poke her

☻a Scooter - everybody ridin her but nobody admitting it

☻peanut butter -- oh so smooth, creamy, and easy to spread.

☻Anything Yo's

☻Yo secretary is like an ATM machine - open 24 hours...

☻Yo Female Boss like a 24 hours for your convenience...

☻Yo Sister-in-law like a chicken coop - cocks flyin in and out all day...

☻Yo' ex-girlfriend just like a squirrel - she always got some nuts in her mouth...

☻Your Big sis like the Bermuda triangle...they swallow a whole lotta seamen.

☻Yo' Cousin like a Penny...she ain't worth two bob.

☻Yo Auntie like a Library - open to the public.

☻Your Mummy like Blockbuster Video - everybody goes home happy.

☻Your Aunt Mary just like a birthday cake - everybody gets a piece...

☻Yo Chip shop assistant like a fine restaraunt - she only take deliviries in rear...

☻Yo Momma so Smelly

☻the government make her wear a Biohazard warning

☻she made Right Guard call for backup.

☻even the dogs won't smell her.

☻an old blind geezer walking by asked her 'yo, how much for the shrimp platter?"

☻that when she spread her legs, I got seasick...

☻she wiz playin in my Sand Box and the cat came along and buried her.

☻her poo is glad to escape.

☻that standing next to a skunk, the Skunko smells sweet!

☻that the only dis I'm gonna give her is Disinfectent...

☻that when you was being born, the doctor's and nurses all had to wear oxygen masks...

☻even sewer rats get outta her way...

☻that farmers use her bathwater as liquid fertilizer...

☻Yo Momma so Dirty

☻she has to creep up on the bath water.

☻that standin next to a tramp, she make the tramp look like a butler.

☻that her house is so dirty I gotta wipe my feet before I go back outside.

☻she lost 2 stone after taking a shower

☻that even the Swamp Thing insisted she showered.

☻that Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to use as chemical weapons.

☻Yo Momma so Greasy

☻Texaco buy oil from her

☻she got a job at the cinema - buttering popcorn with her leg hair...

☻her freckles slipped off.

☻the Chip Shop uses her sweat as Deep Fry

☻she sweats butter, syrup, excretes jam...and has a full time job at the 'Pancake Palace' wiping pancakes across her forheed

☻her idea of bottled water is the left over oil slime from a bacon, sausage and egg fry up.

☻she uses bacon as a band aid.
☻Your Mama So Fat

☻when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...

☻she once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food she ate it!

☻folk exercise by jogging around her!

☻when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.

☻she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy

☻she make Kiko the Whale look like a Smartie

☻NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer

☻she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm...

☻small objects orbit her.

☻she make olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic.

☻when I tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips.

☻when she farted she launched herself into orbit.

☻she lost a game at Hide&Seek only cos I spotted her...behind Mount Everest.

☻when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol!

☻she could be the eighth continent.

☻she nearly put Safeway out of business

☻the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity.

☻her Uni graduation photo was an aerial

☻when she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball.

☻she make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic.

☻her fave food is seconds.

☻her belt size is Equator.

☻she eats Desert out of a Trash Can lid

☻she wears an 'X' jacket and Copters attempt to land on her

☻she shows up on radar.

☻she needs a map to find her butt.

☻she fell into the Grand Canyon....and got stuck!

☻she wears an asteroid belt.

☻her Passport photo says 'Picture is continued overleaf'

☻she has TB ... 2 bellys.

☻she's once, twice, three times a lady.

☻she was in the Daily Record last week on page 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.

☻the circus use her as a trampoline

☻stunt agencies use her as an air mattress

☻when she opens the Fridge it says - 'I give up...'

☻she got a new gig at the Cinema...she works as the screen

☻she once told me 'I could eat a horse'...believe me, she wasn't kidding!

☻she deep fries her toothpaste.

☻Anything Yo's - So Fat...

☻Yo Grannie so damn fat, that if she was an Aeroplane, she'd be a Jumbo Jet.

☻Yo Grandpa so fat that he's half Scottish, half Irish and half American

☻Yo Wife so fat she fell off a boat and the Captain yelled, "Land Ahoy!!!"

☻Yo Priest so fat, when he bungee jumped he went straight to hell...

☻Yo Doctor so fat, that when her Beeper goes off folk think she's backing up.

☻Yo Auntie so fat when she goes to Gap the only thing she can fit into is the Dressing Room

☻Yo Bookie so fat he gotta buy clothes by the furlon

☻Yo Dentist so fat that when he burped he blew out all yo mamma's teeth...that why she so ugly!

☻Yo Papa's so large when you climb on top of him your ears pop.

☻Yo Father so fat that when he sat on a Rainbow skittles fell out.

☻Yo Sister so fat that even Richard Simmons can't help laughing

☻Yo Sis so Monstrous she uses Soccer balls for earrings.

☻Yo Father so fat he can't even tie his own shoelaces

☻Yo Mama so huge that God created her...and on the seventh day rested.

☻Your Kid Sister so fat the Japanese Sumo Wrestling squad had to turn her down.

☻Yo Star Trek fan so fat he make Riker's beer belly look 2 atoms thick

☻Yo Lawyer's so fat...we're inside her right now.

☻Yo' Baker so freakin fat he masturbates when reading cookbooks

☻Yo Auntie so fat that Weight Watchers threw her out for breaking the scales.

☻Yo Boss so fat that when she calls a board meeting she has to pull herself up a Sofa.

☻Yo Air hostess so fat that on a scale of 1 to 10 she a 747.

☻Your boyfriend so fat he hasn't seen his feet for 10 years

☻Yo Bro so fat that when he farted, Mars came out...and I ain't talkin bout the 'sweetie'

☻You Nana so fat that when she went for a swim in the ocean she caused a 60 foot tidal wave.

☻Yo Music teacher so freakin Fat that she whistles Bass

☻Yo Postman so fat he got his very own Post Code

☻You cousin so fat she's on Both sides of the family.

☻Yo Girlfriend so fat I ask her to go get a Curry and she bring back 80 pounds of gravy.

☻Yo kid brother so fat he sat on 4 quarters and made a dollar.

☻Your Mom so fat she uses a bed mattress for a maxipad

☻Yo wife so fat she got more nooks and Crannies than a Ploughman's pastry

☻Yo Sister so fat she got a new job DJ'ing for the Ice Cream Van.

☻Yo Momma so fat all chairs in the house have their own seatbelts.

☻Yo Dog so fat that when you take it 'walkies' it don't know whether it walking or rolling

☻Your Mommas so fat, when it says All you can eat it still ain't enough.

☻Yo' Astronomer so fat she plays pool with Venus....and Neptune...and pluto...and...
☻Yo Moma...

☻has 10 fingers -- all on the same hand.

☻has green hair and thinks she's a Tree.

☻has a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.

☻has wooden boobs and breast feeds beavers

☻has one short leg and that why she always walking in circles...

☻has a major weight problem - she can't eat.

☻got a house that's so dusty, the Cockroaches drive around in Dune Buggies

☻got a glass eye with a fish in it.

☻got so much hair on her upper lip she has to braid it

☻got so much dandruff that a Midgie landed on her head and said: "Christ, I aint' seen this much snow in years."

☻got so much hair on her chest that her Breasts remind me of Coconuts...

☻is a carpenter's dream - flat as a board and so easy to nail...

☻Anything Yo's

☻Yo Grannies got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book.

☻You got no arms, no legs, and when you go swimming they call you Bob

☻Yo Wife got more weave than a dog in rush hour traffic.

☻Yo Girlfriend got an ElectroWig - including sunroof and Opera lights

☻Yo Big brother got a wooden nipple and they call him Corky.

☻Yo Priest got ears so big he gets satellite reception.

☻Your kid bro got more crust round his mouth than a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

☻Yo Milkman's teeth so damn yellow I can't believe it's not butter

☻Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust

☻Yo Mother in law so yellow you'd think she'd been blowing the Simpsons

☻Yo mama's got a wooden leg with branches. Yo' baby sister got more mouth than Julia Roberts

☻Yo' Boy next door got an Afro with a turn signal in it.

☻Yo Doc' got 1 wooden leg with a real foot.

☻You geeky Star Wars girlfriend got more bum fur than an Ewok.

☻Yo Mommy got so many gaps in her teeth it reminds me of Piano keys

☻Yo Best Friend only got two fingers and she's a representative for world peace.

☻Yo' humor webmaster so desperate for money he got a wooden leg with advertisements stapled to it.

☻You Computer Geek friend got one tooth and they call him Chomping-at-the-Bits

☻Yo' Nana's teeth so damb black you'd think she had coal for her dinner

☻Yo Grannie had more men than the grand old duke of york...and then some...

☻Your Auntie got one leg...and folk call her Eileen

☻Yo kid sister got so many rings round her belly that she gotta screw her underware on

☻Yo cousin got 3 teeth ... one in her mouth and two in her pocket.

☻Yo PE teacher has one arm and swims round in circles

☻Yo Dentist got Summer teeth...summer in his mouth....summer in his trouser pockets...

☻You Wife got more crack than harlem

☻Your Dentist made yo teeth so crooked you use them to cut chain at the DIY store.