☻Hey, I may be fat, but you'll always be ugly, and I can diet.
☻Man: So, how do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
☻Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too, if you sit down.
☻Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: NO
Man: Sorry, I think you misheard me...I said, You Look fat in those pants.
☻Little Sister: Your Ugly.
You: And your quite good looking...for a Gorilla, that is...
☻Do you notice how I've kept my youthful complexion?
Yeah, so I see...all spotty
☻Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You are going to yours, and I'm going to mine.
☻Man: So, what's your sign?
Woman: No Entry
☻Man: I know how to please a Woman.
Woman: Well, please leave me alone.
☻Friend: I've just come back from the Beauticians
You: Pity it was closed...
☻Man: Please whisper those 3 little words that would make my day!
Woman: Go to hell
☻Friend: I've changed my mind...
You: Excellent, so does the new one work better?
☻Boss: Employees like that don't grow on trees you know...
You: How true Sir, they normally swing underneath them...
☻Brother: Why do you smell funny?
You: It's called Soap - don't think you've ever smelt it before...
☻Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a Female Impersonator.
☻Man: Hey there, haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, and that's why I don't go there anymore.
☻Man: Say, haven't we met before?
Woman: Yes, I'm the head Nurse at the VD clinic.
☻Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: You know, you're dead right...I want you to go away!
☻Wife: Darling, do you think I'll lose my looks as I get older
You: With luck, yes
☻Work Colleague: Do you find me entertaining?
You: I reckon you are too dim to entertain a thought
☻Old Wife: Shall I put the TV on? Old Man: Well it would certainly improve the view in here...
☻You know, I've been asked to get married over a hundreds times.
Yeah, but your parents don't count...
☻How many people work in your office?
About half of them
☻Brother: I love biscuits
You: That's cuz your crackers
☻You: I reckon you'd make a great exchange student.
Friend: Wow, you really think so?
You: Yes, we might be able to exchange you for someone nice.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
One Liners
☻Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?
☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
☻How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!
☻***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!
☻Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H
☻FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.
☻Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.
☻Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!
☻Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!
☻I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!
☻Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
☻HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?
☻This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you
☻Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
☻A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone
☻Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!
☻I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!
☻Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
☻Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
☻I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.
☻How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.
☻Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...
☻U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....shit...I got wrong number...SORRY :)
☻I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU!
☻On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.
☻The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
☻Nope.....u still ugly!
☻Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.
☻What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.
☻Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'
☻Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.
☻I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass.
☻How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.
☻How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!
☻It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
☻Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!
☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
☻You are here: X
☻Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.
☻In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy.
☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
☻Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!
☻Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
☻Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.
☻What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything.
☻Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
☻Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.'
☻Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick"
Boss asks: "How sick are u?"
Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???"
☻Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!
☻Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between!
☻I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS!
☻Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX!
☻When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number....
☻U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply!
☻Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.
☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
☻Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.
☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
☻I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.
☻The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
☻There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
☻Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
☻You may be recognized soon. Hide.
☻Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
☻He who laughs last thinks slowest.
☻Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.
☻I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.
☻Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???
☻Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
☻If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
☻You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
☻My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch
☻If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me
☻Mind intentionally left blank...
☻I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem
☻Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
☻Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
☻If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
☻Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.
☻If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
☻The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
☻It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.
☻Born Free........Taxed to Death.
☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found
☻I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.
☻Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.
☻My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
☻Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now...
☻Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
☻What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
☻Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
☻Celibacy is not hereditary
☻Familiarity breeds children
☻Life is sexually transmitted
☻We do precision guesswork
☻Born free . . . Taxed to death
☻If it's too loud, you're too old
☻Common sense isn't common
☻Nothing succeeds like excess
☻Do pilots take crash-courses?
☻If it ain't broke, fix it until it is
☻The older I get, the older old is
☻Relax, its only Ones and Zeros
☻A closed mouth gathers no feet
☻Do witches run spell checkers?
☻I don't get even . . . . . I get odder
☻Allow me to introduce my selves
☻A feature is a bug with seniority
☻If I throw a stick, will you leave?
☻Justice: A decision in your favor
☻Strip mining prevents forest fires
☻A waist is a terrible thing to mind
☻Do not disturb. Already disturbed
☻Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
☻Today's subliminal message is . . .
☻Demons are a Ghouls best Friend
☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.
☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.
☻Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
☻Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
☻Fuck Me...are those real?
☻Be unique and different, just say yes.
☻Can I flirt with you?
☻Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.
☻Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.
☻Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
☻Umh, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
☻Darling, I'm new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.
☻I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!
☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbour ... what say we tie up for the night?
☻I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
☻If you don't wanna have kids with me, then why don't we just practice?
☻Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
☻That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.
☻Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.
☻A hangover is the wrath of grapes
☻Everyone is entitled to my opinion
☻If it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert
☻I don't work here. I'm a consultant
☻Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes
☻The best things in life aren't things
☻I like feminists; I think they're cute
☻I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable
☻Does killing time damage eternity?
☻How can there be self-help groups?
☻"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy
☻BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy
☻Have a nice day. . . somewhere else
☻Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving
☻Exceptions always outnumber rules
☻Adults are just kids who owe money
☻All stressed out and no one to choke
☻Constipated people don't give a crap
☻I may not be perfect, but I'm all I got
☻Where there's a will, I want to be in it
☻Anything not nailed down is a cat toy
☻Never miss a good chance to shut up
☻All computers wait at the same speed
☻Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
☻How do you get off a non-stop flight?
☻How come night falls but day breaks?
☻How do I set the laser printer to stun?
☻If we quit voting will they all go away?
☻Is it time for your medication or mine?
☻INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)
☻I'm not getting older...I'm getting bitter
☻When all else fails manipulate the data
☻I'm as confused as a termite in a yo-yo
☻Insanity is my only means of relaxation
☻No guts, no glory, no brain, same story
☻Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw
☻I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
☻I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier
☻When money talks, the criminal walks
☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
☻How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!
☻***NEWSFLASH*** Tell ALL your female friends that i can get 100 tampons for £1
... No Strings attached
...but for a limited period ONLY!
...A bloody good deal!
☻Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H
☻FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.
☻Hw do U kp a txtr in suspense? I'll tel U l8r.
☻Press down..More...Ok more...WOW yes ahh ohh yes....almost there....oh god harder..faster..FEELS GOOD...oh goddd!...That's how I sex on text!
☻Ths msg cn only b read by a SEXY person -
Nothing? Soz, I guess UR just not SEXY But hey, i Didnt force it ugly, so get lost!
☻I once had One2One with a Virgin, she teased me till i had an Erikson, sucked me til my face went Orange, til I busted my Siemen all over her Nokias!
☻Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
☻HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, sexy and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?
☻This is your CellPhone Operator. We just found out you're too dumb to use your phone, so please put it on ground and start jumping on it. Thank you
☻Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
☻A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex?
His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone
☻Why'd they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!
☻I went to ur house justnow - can't enter cos door says *CUTE FOLK NOT ALLOWED* - pls take sign down next time ok!
☻Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
☻Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
☻I heard you took an IQ test and they said you're results were negative.
☻How many letters in the Alphabet? 19, cuz ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him.
☻Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...
☻U got Sex Appeal...U got Class...U got Moves...U got da Face, da Body....shit...I got wrong number...SORRY :)
☻I need a kiss, I need touched, I need your love, I need warmth, I need hugs, I need sex, I need YOU!
☻On the cellphone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key.
☻The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
☻Nope.....u still ugly!
☻Y did the jelly baby go 2 school? Cuz he wanted to be a smarty.
☻What u call dog with no legs? Don't matter wot u call him, he ain't gonna come.
☻Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'
☻Girls think boys are fit. Boys think girls are sexy. But hey, no worries - I sure science will come up with somin to help u.
☻I think it is time I tell you what people are saying behind your back...! Nice Ass.
☻How to impress woman: kiss her, hug her, compliment her, love her, tease her, protect her, listen to her, support her
How to impress a man: Show up naked with beer.
☻How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!
☻It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
☻Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!
☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
☻You are here: X
☻Hickory Dickory Dock, dis bitch woz suckin me c**k, da clock struck 2, i dumped me goo, & dropped her at da end of da block.
☻In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called Nob - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car cuz it's too heavy.
☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
☻Jesus loves you...everyone else thinks you're an asshole!
☻Inflexibility is the hallmark of the Tiny Mind.
☻Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation?
A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.
☻What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar? Ok u 2, don't start anything.
☻Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
☻Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.'
☻Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick"
Boss asks: "How sick are u?"
Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???"
☻Love is a name, Sex is a game. Forget the name and lets play that game!
☻Roses are red, Pickles are green, I like ur legs and all that's between!
☻I like your style, you got sheer class, but babe, my god, I WANT YOUR ASS!
☻Hey, there is Hot-sex, Group-sex, safe-sex, phone-sex, speedy-sex, crazy-sex and for people wid ur face - NO SEX!
☻When an apple is green, it's ready to pluck, When a girl is sixteen she's ready to ..WOOPS...wrong number....
☻U good at math? Well, add a bed, subtract ur cloths, divide ur legs and we can multiply!
☻Yes, this is my pickup. No, I will not help you move.
☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
☻Important Message: Conserve your toilet paper - use both sides.
☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
☻I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.
☻The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
☻There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
☻Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
☻You may be recognized soon. Hide.
☻Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me.
☻He who laughs last thinks slowest.
☻Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.
☻I pretend to work here - they pretend to pay me.
☻Is somebody not editing what I'm saying here???
☻Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
☻If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
☻You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
☻My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch
☻If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me
☻Mind intentionally left blank...
☻I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem
☻Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
☻Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.
☻If I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
☻Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time - I think I've forgotten this before.
☻If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
☻The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
☻It was an accident officer. I was cleaning my fingernails. With ahunting knife. And he ran into me. Backwards. 17 times.
☻Born Free........Taxed to Death.
☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found
☻I remind u that the most powerful force in the universe is sms gossip.
☻Just reminding u there is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.
☻My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.
☻Hi - I am a virus and am entering your brain right now...wait, hold on, sorry unable to find brain...leaving now...
☻Note - The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
☻What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
☻Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
☻Celibacy is not hereditary
☻Familiarity breeds children
☻Life is sexually transmitted
☻We do precision guesswork
☻Born free . . . Taxed to death
☻If it's too loud, you're too old
☻Common sense isn't common
☻Nothing succeeds like excess
☻Do pilots take crash-courses?
☻If it ain't broke, fix it until it is
☻The older I get, the older old is
☻Relax, its only Ones and Zeros
☻A closed mouth gathers no feet
☻Do witches run spell checkers?
☻I don't get even . . . . . I get odder
☻Allow me to introduce my selves
☻A feature is a bug with seniority
☻If I throw a stick, will you leave?
☻Justice: A decision in your favor
☻Strip mining prevents forest fires
☻A waist is a terrible thing to mind
☻Do not disturb. Already disturbed
☻Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
☻Today's subliminal message is . . .
☻Demons are a Ghouls best Friend
☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.
☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.
☻Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
☻Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
☻Fuck Me...are those real?
☻Be unique and different, just say yes.
☻Can I flirt with you?
☻Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.
☻Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.
☻Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
☻Umh, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
☻Darling, I'm new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.
☻I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!
☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbour ... what say we tie up for the night?
☻I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
☻If you don't wanna have kids with me, then why don't we just practice?
☻Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
☻That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.
☻Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.
☻A hangover is the wrath of grapes
☻Everyone is entitled to my opinion
☻If it ain't chocolate, it ain't dessert
☻I don't work here. I'm a consultant
☻Out of Body. Back in Five Minutes
☻The best things in life aren't things
☻I like feminists; I think they're cute
☻I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable
☻Does killing time damage eternity?
☻How can there be self-help groups?
☻"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy
☻BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy
☻Have a nice day. . . somewhere else
☻Guilt -- the gift that keeps on giving
☻Exceptions always outnumber rules
☻Adults are just kids who owe money
☻All stressed out and no one to choke
☻Constipated people don't give a crap
☻I may not be perfect, but I'm all I got
☻Where there's a will, I want to be in it
☻Anything not nailed down is a cat toy
☻Never miss a good chance to shut up
☻All computers wait at the same speed
☻Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
☻How do you get off a non-stop flight?
☻How come night falls but day breaks?
☻How do I set the laser printer to stun?
☻If we quit voting will they all go away?
☻Is it time for your medication or mine?
☻INSTANT HUMAN (Just Add Coffee)
☻I'm not getting older...I'm getting bitter
☻When all else fails manipulate the data
☻I'm as confused as a termite in a yo-yo
☻Insanity is my only means of relaxation
☻No guts, no glory, no brain, same story
☻Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's hand grenades I throw
☻I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert
☻I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier
☻When money talks, the criminal walks
Blonde Jokes
☻Q : Why are blonde jokes so short?
A : So men can remember them.
☻Q : Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
A : Because they can understand them
☻Q : How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A : Shine a flashlight in their ear.
☻Q : What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A : They're both empty from the neck up.
☻Q : Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A : From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK"
☻Q : Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A : So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills
☻Q : What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A : Far-from-thinking
☻Q : Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A : They keep breaking them with the hammers.
☻She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
☻She thought a quarterback was a refund.
☻She tripped on the cordless phone
☻She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind
☻She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
☻At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Leo
☻If she spoke her mind, she would be speechless
☻When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved
☻Q : What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A : She slipped off and fell down the drain
☻Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her months to figure out she could use it at night
☻Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice? Because it said "concentrate"
☻What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring
☻Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can t fit the bottle in the typewriter
☻What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!
☻What are two reasons why blondes don't mind their own business? No mind. No business
☻Why did 18 blondes go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed
☻Two blondes were driving to Tokyo Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, "Tokyo Disneyland Left", so they turned around and went home
☻Why did the blonde dye her hair red? Instant Intelligence!
☻Why do blondes drive BMWs? Because they can spell it
☻Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: On the back she saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.
☻Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: Space. The final frontier..........
☻Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.
☻Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don't have elevator jobs?
A: Cos they've no idea of the route.
☻Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes Twinkle?
A: You shine a torchlight in her ear.
☻Q: Did you hear about the blond Bear?
A: Got stuck in a hunter's trap, chewed off it's 2 paws and 1 leg, and was still stuck.
☻Q: How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O.
☻Q: How do you measure their intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in their ear.
☻It's with great tragedy that I report my blonde next door neighbour tried to kill her toy poodle.
She tried putting batteries in it.
☻To amuse a Blonde for hours, give her a sheet of paper with 'Please turn over' scribbled on both sides.
☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
☻Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
☻Q: What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
A: The Branch Manager.
☻Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proof-reading.
☻Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
☻Q: Why do blondes love lightning?
A: They reckon somebody is taking their photo.
☻It's with tremendous sadness that I report a local blond girl has lost 95% of her brains....yes, her husband just died.
☻Q: What's brown, red, black and blue?
A: A Brunette who's been tellin one too many blonde jokes.
☻NEWSFLASH: Blonde girl fired from Banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones.
☻Q: Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
A: She couldn't find the recipe.
☻Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2. 1 to hold the Diet Irn-Bru and the other to call on 'Daddddyyy'
☻Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
☻Q: What did the blonde do when she heard on the news that over 90% of accidents occur at the home?
A: She moved.
☻Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of Sixty?
A: A blonde parade.
☻Q: Why did the blonde call the job centre?
A: She wanted to find out how to cook food stamps.
☻Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in 6 or 12 pieces.
A: "Oh, only Six I think - I'd never manage to eat all 12 pieces."
☻Q: What do you call a Smart blonde?
A: A Golden Retriever.
☻Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-Air.
☻Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Cos sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
☻Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: Both are completely empty from the neck up.
☻Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
☻Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
☻Q: How do you drive a blonde Insane?
A: Hide her Hair Dryer.
☻Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: alone.
☻Q: How do you know a blonde has robbed your house?
A: You notice the microwave is gone, but a note is there in it's place saying: "Thanks for the TV"
☻Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
☻Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat".
☻Q: What do you call a blonde on a University Campus?
A: A visitor.
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
☻Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have?
A: The one that never misses a period.
☻Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Thanks, guys!".
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and The Titanic?
A: They know how many men went down on The Titanic.
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There's fewer crabs in the Atlantic.
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Duke only 'had' Ten Thousand men.
☻Q: How does a horny guy spell relief?
A: B-L-O-N-D-E.
☻Q: Why was the Blonde Girl smiling as she walked down the marriage eisle?
A: Cos she knew she'd given her last Blow job.
☻Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
☻Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: Both contain a cockpit
☻Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Great Tits!!!"
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a blow-up Doll?
A: Around 2 cans of hair spray.
☻Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way.
☻Q: Why is a blonde like railway tracks?
A: Cos she's been laid all over the country.
☻Q: What does a blonde say after having multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team.
☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been playing with your Computer?
A: Your joy stick will be soaking wet.
☻Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
A: Cos both are steamy and wet on entry, and hey, they don't mind if you bring friends.
☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.
☻Q: What's the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking.
☻Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A: Give her a cock and she'll be ready to blow.
☻Q: How would a blond interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
☻Q: What does a blonde look like after sex?
A: No idea mate. I'm already long gone....
☻Q: What's a blondes favorite Nursery Rhyme?
A: HumpMe DumpMe.
☻Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Cuz everyone gets a turn.
☻Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She loved to get filled with Cream.
☻Q: In a Blonde's mind what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
☻Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a Coppers Horse?
A: So she won't shit on the street during a rally.
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.
☻Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
☻Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde lesbian?
A: Well, she kept having affairs with men.
☻Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
☻Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
☻Q: When visiting Scotland, what is a Blonde's favorite destination?
A: Silicon Glen
☻Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
☻Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
☻Q: What would a blonde use for protection during sex?
A: A bus shelter.
☻Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
☻Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
☻45. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
☻Q: Why does a blond have T.G.I.F. on the front of her shirt?
A: Tits Go In Front.
☻Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.
☻Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
☻Q: What's the blonde's idea of dental floss?
A: Pubic hair.
☻Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
☻Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers.
☻Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!
☻Q: What do a 250cc Scooter and a blonde have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde on her back and a turtle on it's back?
A: Absolutely Nothing - both are totally screwed!
☻Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
☻Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.
☻Q: What do you call a brunette and 4 sexy blondes on a corner?
A: You don't, you see if you've got 4 condoms
☻Q: What do a blonde and an instant win lottery ticket have in common?
A: Simply scratch the box to win.
☻Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
☻It's important to realise that Blondes can't go water-skiing - when their crotch gets wet they think they gotta lay down...
☻. It's even more important to realise the big difference between blondes and bitches - a blonde will screw anyone, whilst a bitch will screw anyone but you...
☻It's worth remembering why blondes can't count to 70 - it's cos 69 is already a bit of a mouthful...
☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PHd in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Well, not everybody's went to town in a limo!
☻Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus
☻Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had 2 chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times.
☻Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right?
A: As if they've ever met!
☻Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
☻Q: What do blonde's do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
☻Q: What do blonde's do with their Assholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
☻Q: What's the link between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: Both get screwed on the front of a Ford Fiesta.
☻Q: What nickname is most used by blonde's in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.
☻Q: What is blonde, brunette, blond, brunette ...?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.
☻Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your refridgerator?
A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers/courgette/zuchini.
☻Q: What's a 68 to a blonde?
A: It's where she goes down on you and you owe her one.
☻Q: What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
A: Clitty litter.
☻Q: Why is it that Blonde's always get confused in the Ladies rest room?
A: Well, it's cost they gotta pull their own pants down...
☻Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Because their balls would show.
☻Q: What do you call a blonde with an I.Q of 100?
A: A foursome.
☻84. Q: What is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde?
A: Vaseline and Poligrip.
☻85. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: There's a fold-up bed in the Stock room and permanent smiles on the Bosses' faces.
☻Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.
☻Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet fuck all.
☻Q: Why did the blonde give a b*** job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.
☻Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
☻Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.
☻Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
A: Her employer found that she was embezzling.
☻92. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
☻Q: What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde's mouth?
A: Einstein's d**k.
☻Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handlebars.
☻Q: What did the blonde say during a xxx flick?
A: "Hey fellas, Look! There I am!"
☻Q: How does a blond prepare for safe sex?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.98. Q: What does XXX stand for?
A: Blondes co-signing a note.
☻99. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Finland, turn around and come back home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a tv set.
☻Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three of your fingers inside a bowling ball.
☻Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.
☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to EuroDisney?
A: She saw a sign saying: "EuroDisney Left" so she went home.
☻Did you hear about the blonde who put under Education on her job application, 'Hooked On Phonics'...
☻Q: What did the blonde girl name her pet Zebra?
A: Spot.
☻Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the pedestrian sign said "DON'T WALK".
☻Q: What does a blonde Owl say?
A: What, what?
☻Q: What do you see when you look directly into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
☻Q: What did the Dumb Blonde do when she went to a film that had an NC-17 (no under 17's) rating? A: Went home and got 16 friends.
☻Q: What do you call a blond behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.
☻Q: How do you tell if a blonde writes Mysteries?
A: She's got a checkbook.
☻Q: How can you tell a FAX has been sent from a blonde?
A: There's a stamp on it.
☻Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: Threw it off a cliff.
☻Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: Keep breakin em' with hammers.
☻Q: What's the difference between blondes and McDonald's?
A: A blonde serves more people in a night.
☻Q: What happens when a blonde developes Alzheimers?
A: Her IQ goes up.
☻Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
☻Q: What's the guaranteed method to totally confuse a Blonde Man?
A: Ask him to alphabetise a King-size bag of M&Ms.
☻Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
☻Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it.
☻Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.
☻Q: What's the difference between a dumb blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: Manages to get the Pop Tarts out the toaster in one piece.
☻Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
☻Q: How many stupid blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two - one to stand inside the bath, the other to pass the hair dryer.
☻Q: What's the diff between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
☻Q: Did you hear about the dumb blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
☻Q: What's a dumb Blondes favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
☻Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold?
A: No need for em to worry about blowing their brains out.
☻Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
☻Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on top of her.
☻Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champion.
☻Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
☻Q: What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
A: Having a fantastic time. Where am I?
☻Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: Present her with a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say "Hello"
☻Q: Why are blonde's immune to Mad Cow Disease?
A: It only affects the brain.
☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a natural blonde?
A: Blow in her ear - if natural, watch as she floats...
☻Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
A: Double-dumb.
☻Q: Where do you look for blonde's obituaries?
A: Under "Home Improvements."
☻Q: Why did the blonde go to the rehab center?
A: Because she thought she was hooked on phonics.
☻Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: 30 mins of begging.
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's quite difficult opening the legs of an Ironing Board.
☻Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.
☻Q: What would you do if a Blond threw a hand grenade right at you?
A: You'd pull the pin and throw it back.
☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
☻Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.
☻Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Mercedes?
A: You don't lend the Merc out to your friend.
☻Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Sooner or later they'll both end up in the gutter.
☻Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: She didn't want to waken the sleeping pills.
☻Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
☻Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
☻Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
☻Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night.
☻Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
☻Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
☻Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Well...Like, I dunno!
☻Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and the Yeti?
A: Yeti has been spotted.
☻Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
☻Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.
☻Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
☻Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
☻Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
☻Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
☻What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A blonde going through a flashing red light.
☻Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
Because she blows the horn!
☻Why is a blonde like a door knob?
Because everybody gets a turn.
☻Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
Because she's been laid all over the country.
☻Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men!
☻What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
She picks up her purse and goes home.
☻To a blonde, what is long and hard?
Grade 4.
☻What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.
☻Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
Because at 69 they blow a rod...
☻What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
☻Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
☻What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
☻Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they're fucked.
☻ How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
☻Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night.
☻A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
☻A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
☻What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.
☻Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
☻What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
She moved.
☻What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade.
☻Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
☻Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
☻Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
☻Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them
☻How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.
☻What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
☻Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills
☻Did you hear about the blonde
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
☻Did you hear about the blonde
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
☻Did you hear about the blonde
She tripped on the cordless phone
☻Did you hear about the blonde
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind
☻Did you hear about the blonde
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
☻Did you hear about the blonde
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Leo
☻Did you hear about the blonde
If she spoke her mind, she would be speechless
☻Did you hear about the blonde
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved
☻Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can t fit the bottle in the typewriter
☻What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!
☻What are two reasons why blondes don't mind their own business?
No mind. No business
☻Why did 18 blondes go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed
☻Two blondes were driving to Tokyo Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, "Tokyo Disneyland Left", so they turned around and went home
☻Why did the blonde dye her hair red?
Instant Intelligence!
☻Why do blondes drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it
☻Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
☻Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
☻Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out.
☻Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
☻How do you confuse a blonde?
Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Why does it work?
"Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
☻Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
☻What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).
☻What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A blond doing cartwheels.
☻What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
☻Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
She missed the Earth!
☻Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew it both times!
☻What do a moped and a blond have in common?
They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
☻How do you know when a blond's been in your fridge?
Lipstick on the cucumbers!
☻What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
☻What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About 2 cans of hair spray
☻What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
Pick them up off the floor.
☻Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.
☻What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.
☻What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
Frosted Flakes.
☻What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
The Branch Manager.
☻What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Proof-reading.
☻How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
☻Why do blondes love lightning?
They reckon somebody is taking their photo.
☻It's with tremendous sadness that I report a local blond girl has lost 95% of her brains....yes, her husband just died.
☻What's brown, red, black and blue?
A Brunette who's been telling one too many blonde jokes.
☻NEWSFLASH: Blonde girl fired from Banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones.
☻Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
She couldn't find the recipe.
☻She was so blonde that...
☻She thought a quarterback was a refund.
☻She managed to trip over my cordless phone.
☻On the bottom of the job application where it said 'Sign Here' she wrote 'Aquarias'.
☻She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
☻She told me to meet her on the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
☻She tried to place a bag of M&M's in alphabetical order.
☻She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
☻She took a ruler to bed so she could see how long she slept.
☻When she got an AM radio, it took her 10 month to figure out she could use it at night.
☻She spent 25 minutes staring at the Orange juice box cos it said - "concentrate"
☻She got stabbed in a Shoot out.
☻She used to sit on the tv so she could watch the couch.
☻When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
☻She thinks Eartha Kitt is a set of gardening tools.
☻When she saw the sign for YMCA she said: "LOOK, they've spelled MACY's wrong!!!"
☻She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".
☻She put lippie on her forehead cos her boyfriend told her to make up her mind.
☻She tried to drown a fish.
☻If you offered her a Penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.
☻She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
☻She took a Spoon to the Super Bowl.
☻It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
☻She asked for a Price-check at the 'Everythings a Pound' store.
☻They had to burn her school down to get her outta 4th grade.
☻She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
☻When I was drowning in a lake and screaming out for a life saver she asked: "Grape or Cherry?"
☻She thought Meow Mix was a record for Cats.
☻She thought that Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
☻She tried to drown a fish.
A : So men can remember them.
☻Q : Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
A : Because they can understand them
☻Q : How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A : Shine a flashlight in their ear.
☻Q : What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A : They're both empty from the neck up.
☻Q : Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A : From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK"
☻Q : Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A : So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills
☻Q : What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A : Far-from-thinking
☻Q : Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A : They keep breaking them with the hammers.
☻She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
☻She thought a quarterback was a refund.
☻She tripped on the cordless phone
☻She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind
☻She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
☻At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Leo
☻If she spoke her mind, she would be speechless
☻When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved
☻Q : What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A : She slipped off and fell down the drain
☻Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her months to figure out she could use it at night
☻Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice? Because it said "concentrate"
☻What do you call 9 blondes standing in a circle? A dope ring
☻Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can t fit the bottle in the typewriter
☻What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!
☻What are two reasons why blondes don't mind their own business? No mind. No business
☻Why did 18 blondes go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed
☻Two blondes were driving to Tokyo Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, "Tokyo Disneyland Left", so they turned around and went home
☻Why did the blonde dye her hair red? Instant Intelligence!
☻Why do blondes drive BMWs? Because they can spell it
☻Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: On the back she saw "911" and thought it was a Porsche.
☻Q: What does Star Trek's Dr Bones McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: Space. The final frontier..........
☻Q: What did the blond do when she missed the 66 Bus?
A: She took the 33 bus twice instead.
☻Q: Why do ya reckon Blonds don't have elevator jobs?
A: Cos they've no idea of the route.
☻Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes Twinkle?
A: You shine a torchlight in her ear.
☻Q: Did you hear about the blond Bear?
A: Got stuck in a hunter's trap, chewed off it's 2 paws and 1 leg, and was still stuck.
☻Q: How does a stereotypical blonde spell Farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O.
☻Q: How do you measure their intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in their ear.
☻It's with great tragedy that I report my blonde next door neighbour tried to kill her toy poodle.
She tried putting batteries in it.
☻To amuse a Blonde for hours, give her a sheet of paper with 'Please turn over' scribbled on both sides.
☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
☻Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
☻Q: What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
A: The Branch Manager.
☻Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proof-reading.
☻Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
☻Q: Why do blondes love lightning?
A: They reckon somebody is taking their photo.
☻It's with tremendous sadness that I report a local blond girl has lost 95% of her brains....yes, her husband just died.
☻Q: What's brown, red, black and blue?
A: A Brunette who's been tellin one too many blonde jokes.
☻NEWSFLASH: Blonde girl fired from Banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones.
☻Q: Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
A: She couldn't find the recipe.
☻Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 2. 1 to hold the Diet Irn-Bru and the other to call on 'Daddddyyy'
☻Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
☻Q: What did the blonde do when she heard on the news that over 90% of accidents occur at the home?
A: She moved.
☻Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of Sixty?
A: A blonde parade.
☻Q: Why did the blonde call the job centre?
A: She wanted to find out how to cook food stamps.
☻Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in 6 or 12 pieces.
A: "Oh, only Six I think - I'd never manage to eat all 12 pieces."
☻Q: What do you call a Smart blonde?
A: A Golden Retriever.
☻Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-Air.
☻Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Cos sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
☻Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: Both are completely empty from the neck up.
☻Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
☻Q: Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
☻Q: How do you drive a blonde Insane?
A: Hide her Hair Dryer.
☻Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: alone.
☻Q: How do you know a blonde has robbed your house?
A: You notice the microwave is gone, but a note is there in it's place saying: "Thanks for the TV"
☻Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
☻Q: How do you get a blonde to stay in the shower all day?
A: Lend her your bottle of Shampoo that says "lather, rinse, repeat".
☻Q: What do you call a blonde on a University Campus?
A: A visitor.
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
☻Q: What is the best secretary in the world to have?
A: The one that never misses a period.
☻Q: What do blondes say after sex?
A: "Thanks, guys!".
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and The Titanic?
A: They know how many men went down on The Titanic.
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: There's fewer crabs in the Atlantic.
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Duke only 'had' Ten Thousand men.
☻Q: How does a horny guy spell relief?
A: B-L-O-N-D-E.
☻Q: Why was the Blonde Girl smiling as she walked down the marriage eisle?
A: Cos she knew she'd given her last Blow job.
☻Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
☻Q: What do a Boeing 747 and a blonde have in common?
A: Both contain a cockpit
☻Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Great Tits!!!"
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a blow-up Doll?
A: Around 2 cans of hair spray.
☻Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: Both get licked, then stuck, and finally sent on their way.
☻Q: Why is a blonde like railway tracks?
A: Cos she's been laid all over the country.
☻Q: What does a blonde say after having multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team.
☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been playing with your Computer?
A: Your joy stick will be soaking wet.
☻Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
A: Cos both are steamy and wet on entry, and hey, they don't mind if you bring friends.
☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She scorched her lips on the exhaust pipe.
☻Q: What's the difference between a Mosquito and a blonde?
A: On slapping a Mosquito, it will stop sucking.
☻Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A: Give her a cock and she'll be ready to blow.
☻Q: How would a blond interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
☻Q: What does a blonde look like after sex?
A: No idea mate. I'm already long gone....
☻Q: What's a blondes favorite Nursery Rhyme?
A: HumpMe DumpMe.
☻Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Cuz everyone gets a turn.
☻Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She loved to get filled with Cream.
☻Q: In a Blonde's mind what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
☻Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a Coppers Horse?
A: So she won't shit on the street during a rally.
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts.
☻Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
☻Q: Did you hear the one about the blonde lesbian?
A: Well, she kept having affairs with men.
☻Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
☻Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
☻Q: When visiting Scotland, what is a Blonde's favorite destination?
A: Silicon Glen
☻Q: What do you call 2 nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
☻Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
☻Q: What would a blonde use for protection during sex?
A: A bus shelter.
☻Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
☻Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
☻45. Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
☻Q: Why does a blond have T.G.I.F. on the front of her shirt?
A: Tits Go In Front.
☻Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression in her forehead.
☻Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
☻Q: What's the blonde's idea of dental floss?
A: Pubic hair.
☻Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of seamen.
☻Q: Why don't blondes talk when having sex?
A: Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers.
☻Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week!
☻Q: What do a 250cc Scooter and a blonde have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde on her back and a turtle on it's back?
A: Absolutely Nothing - both are totally screwed!
☻Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
☻Q: How do you get a blonde off of her knees?
A: Come.
☻Q: What do you call a brunette and 4 sexy blondes on a corner?
A: You don't, you see if you've got 4 condoms
☻Q: What do a blonde and an instant win lottery ticket have in common?
A: Simply scratch the box to win.
☻Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
☻It's important to realise that Blondes can't go water-skiing - when their crotch gets wet they think they gotta lay down...
☻. It's even more important to realise the big difference between blondes and bitches - a blonde will screw anyone, whilst a bitch will screw anyone but you...
☻It's worth remembering why blondes can't count to 70 - it's cos 69 is already a bit of a mouthful...
☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PHd in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limo?
A: Well, not everybody's went to town in a limo!
☻Q: Have you heard about the blonde virgin?
A: She hangs out with the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus
☻Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it, the looser it gets.
☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had 2 chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times.
☻Q: What did the blondes left leg say to her right?
A: As if they've ever met!
☻Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
☻Q: What do blonde's do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.
☻Q: What do blonde's do with their Assholes in the morning?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
☻Q: What's the link between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: Both get screwed on the front of a Ford Fiesta.
☻Q: What nickname is most used by blonde's in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.
☻Q: What is blonde, brunette, blond, brunette ...?
A: A blonde doing cartwheels.
☻Q: How do you know when a blonde's been in your refridgerator?
A: There's lipstick on your cucumbers/courgette/zuchini.
☻Q: What's a 68 to a blonde?
A: It's where she goes down on you and you owe her one.
☻Q: What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
A: Clitty litter.
☻Q: Why is it that Blonde's always get confused in the Ladies rest room?
A: Well, it's cost they gotta pull their own pants down...
☻Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A: Because their balls would show.
☻Q: What do you call a blonde with an I.Q of 100?
A: A foursome.
☻84. Q: What is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde?
A: Vaseline and Poligrip.
☻85. Q: How can you tell if a blonde works in an office?
A: There's a fold-up bed in the Stock room and permanent smiles on the Bosses' faces.
☻Q: What is a bellybutton for?
A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.
☻Q: What do you call a blonde with a bag of sugar on her head?
A: Sweet fuck all.
☻Q: Why did the blonde give a b*** job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.
☻Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.
☻Q: Why did the blonde guy put ice in his condom?
A: To keep the swelling down.
☻Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
A: Her employer found that she was embezzling.
☻92. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
☻Q: What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde's mouth?
A: Einstein's d**k.
☻Q: What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A: A blow job with handlebars.
☻Q: What did the blonde say during a xxx flick?
A: "Hey fellas, Look! There I am!"
☻Q: How does a blond prepare for safe sex?
A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.98. Q: What does XXX stand for?
A: Blondes co-signing a note.
☻99. Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Finland, turn around and come back home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a tv set.
☻Q: What's the difference between a Blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three of your fingers inside a bowling ball.
☻Q: What do blondes eat to increase their breast size?
A: Silicone chips.
☻Q: Did you hear about the blonde who attempted to drive to EuroDisney?
A: She saw a sign saying: "EuroDisney Left" so she went home.
☻Did you hear about the blonde who put under Education on her job application, 'Hooked On Phonics'...
☻Q: What did the blonde girl name her pet Zebra?
A: Spot.
☻Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the pedestrian sign said "DON'T WALK".
☻Q: What does a blonde Owl say?
A: What, what?
☻Q: What do you see when you look directly into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
☻Q: What did the Dumb Blonde do when she went to a film that had an NC-17 (no under 17's) rating? A: Went home and got 16 friends.
☻Q: What do you call a blond behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.
☻Q: How do you tell if a blonde writes Mysteries?
A: She's got a checkbook.
☻Q: How can you tell a FAX has been sent from a blonde?
A: There's a stamp on it.
☻Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: Threw it off a cliff.
☻Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: Keep breakin em' with hammers.
☻Q: What's the difference between blondes and McDonald's?
A: A blonde serves more people in a night.
☻Q: What happens when a blonde developes Alzheimers?
A: Her IQ goes up.
☻Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
☻Q: What's the guaranteed method to totally confuse a Blonde Man?
A: Ask him to alphabetise a King-size bag of M&Ms.
☻Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
☻Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it.
☻Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.
☻Q: What's the difference between a dumb blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: Manages to get the Pop Tarts out the toaster in one piece.
☻Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
☻Q: How many stupid blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two - one to stand inside the bath, the other to pass the hair dryer.
☻Q: What's the diff between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
☻Q: Did you hear about the dumb blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
☻Q: What's a dumb Blondes favorite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
☻Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold?
A: No need for em to worry about blowing their brains out.
☻Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
☻Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on top of her.
☻Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champion.
☻Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
☻Q: What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
A: Having a fantastic time. Where am I?
☻Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: Present her with a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say "Hello"
☻Q: Why are blonde's immune to Mad Cow Disease?
A: It only affects the brain.
☻Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a natural blonde?
A: Blow in her ear - if natural, watch as she floats...
☻Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
A: Double-dumb.
☻Q: Where do you look for blonde's obituaries?
A: Under "Home Improvements."
☻Q: Why did the blonde go to the rehab center?
A: Because she thought she was hooked on phonics.
☻Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: 30 mins of begging.
☻Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's quite difficult opening the legs of an Ironing Board.
☻Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.
☻Q: What would you do if a Blond threw a hand grenade right at you?
A: You'd pull the pin and throw it back.
☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
☻Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.
☻Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Mercedes?
A: You don't lend the Merc out to your friend.
☻Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Sooner or later they'll both end up in the gutter.
☻Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: She didn't want to waken the sleeping pills.
☻Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
☻Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
☻Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
☻Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night.
☻Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
☻Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
☻Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) Well...Like, I dunno!
☻Q: What's the difference between a smart blonde and the Yeti?
A: Yeti has been spotted.
☻Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
☻Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.
☻Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
☻Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
☻Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
☻Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
☻What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A blonde going through a flashing red light.
☻Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
Because she blows the horn!
☻Why is a blonde like a door knob?
Because everybody gets a turn.
☻Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
Because she's been laid all over the country.
☻Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
She kept having affairs with men!
☻What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
She picks up her purse and goes home.
☻To a blonde, what is long and hard?
Grade 4.
☻What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 blondes.
☻Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
Because at 69 they blow a rod...
☻What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
☻Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
☻What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
☻Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they're fucked.
☻ How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
☻Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
It swells at night.
☻A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
☻A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
☻What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.
☻Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
☻What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
She moved.
☻What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade.
☻Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
☻Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
☻Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
☻Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them
☻How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in their ear.
☻What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.
☻Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills
☻Did you hear about the blonde
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
☻Did you hear about the blonde
She thought a quarterback was a refund.
☻Did you hear about the blonde
She tripped on the cordless phone
☻Did you hear about the blonde
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind
☻Did you hear about the blonde
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
☻Did you hear about the blonde
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put Leo
☻Did you hear about the blonde
If she spoke her mind, she would be speechless
☻Did you hear about the blonde
When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved
☻Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
Because they can t fit the bottle in the typewriter
☻What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
OH, LOOK!! Donut seeds!!
☻What are two reasons why blondes don't mind their own business?
No mind. No business
☻Why did 18 blondes go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed
☻Two blondes were driving to Tokyo Disneyland when they saw a sign that read, "Tokyo Disneyland Left", so they turned around and went home
☻Why did the blonde dye her hair red?
Instant Intelligence!
☻Why do blondes drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it
☻Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
☻Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
☻Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out.
☻Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
☻How do you confuse a blonde?
Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Why does it work?
"Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
☻Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
☻What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).
☻What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A blond doing cartwheels.
☻What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
☻Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
She missed the Earth!
☻Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew it both times!
☻What do a moped and a blond have in common?
They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
☻How do you know when a blond's been in your fridge?
Lipstick on the cucumbers!
☻What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
☻What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About 2 cans of hair spray
☻What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
Pick them up off the floor.
☻Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.
☻What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
There have been sightings of UFOs.
☻What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
Frosted Flakes.
☻What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
The Branch Manager.
☻What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
Proof-reading.
☻How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
☻Why do blondes love lightning?
They reckon somebody is taking their photo.
☻It's with tremendous sadness that I report a local blond girl has lost 95% of her brains....yes, her husband just died.
☻What's brown, red, black and blue?
A Brunette who's been telling one too many blonde jokes.
☻NEWSFLASH: Blonde girl fired from Banana plantation for throwing out all the bent ones.
☻Why couldn't the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
She couldn't find the recipe.
☻She was so blonde that...
☻She thought a quarterback was a refund.
☻She managed to trip over my cordless phone.
☻On the bottom of the job application where it said 'Sign Here' she wrote 'Aquarias'.
☻She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
☻She told me to meet her on the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk".
☻She tried to place a bag of M&M's in alphabetical order.
☻She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
☻She took a ruler to bed so she could see how long she slept.
☻When she got an AM radio, it took her 10 month to figure out she could use it at night.
☻She spent 25 minutes staring at the Orange juice box cos it said - "concentrate"
☻She got stabbed in a Shoot out.
☻She used to sit on the tv so she could watch the couch.
☻When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.
☻She thinks Eartha Kitt is a set of gardening tools.
☻When she saw the sign for YMCA she said: "LOOK, they've spelled MACY's wrong!!!"
☻She stood staring at the frozen orange juice because it said "Concentrate".
☻She put lippie on her forehead cos her boyfriend told her to make up her mind.
☻She tried to drown a fish.
☻If you offered her a Penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.
☻She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
☻She took a Spoon to the Super Bowl.
☻It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
☻She asked for a Price-check at the 'Everythings a Pound' store.
☻They had to burn her school down to get her outta 4th grade.
☻She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
☻When I was drowning in a lake and screaming out for a life saver she asked: "Grape or Cherry?"
☻She thought Meow Mix was a record for Cats.
☻She thought that Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
☻She tried to drown a fish.
Silly Quotes
☻Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature
☻All of my friends and I are crazy.Thats what keeps us sane!
☻if barbie is so popular....then y do u have 2 buy her friends?
☻I intend to live forever- so far so good
☻Some say the glass is half empty, Some say the glass is half full, I say "are you gonna drink that?"
☻Iv got 2 sit down & work out where i stand!!!
☻Wen u smile the world smiles with u.wen ur down people will rally behind u.but wen u fart u r alone coz people will never stand by u!
☻people ask me if id pefer 2 go 2 hell or heaven i say hell coz its nice and warm down there
☻Im a nobody.. nobodys perfect.. therefore IM PERFECT!!!
☻I didnt kiss ur boyfriend! I told his lips a secret!!
☻I would stop eating chocolate.. but I'm not a quitter!
☻All of my friends and I are crazy.Thats what keeps us sane!
☻if barbie is so popular....then y do u have 2 buy her friends?
☻I intend to live forever- so far so good
☻Some say the glass is half empty, Some say the glass is half full, I say "are you gonna drink that?"
☻Iv got 2 sit down & work out where i stand!!!
☻Wen u smile the world smiles with u.wen ur down people will rally behind u.but wen u fart u r alone coz people will never stand by u!
☻people ask me if id pefer 2 go 2 hell or heaven i say hell coz its nice and warm down there
☻Im a nobody.. nobodys perfect.. therefore IM PERFECT!!!
☻I didnt kiss ur boyfriend! I told his lips a secret!!
☻I would stop eating chocolate.. but I'm not a quitter!
Nursery Jokes
☻Mary Mary quite contrairy how does your garden grow? Listen you prat i live in a flat so how the damn do i know.
☻Jack & Jill went up da hill 2 have a little fun.But stupid Jill forgot da pill and now they have a son.
☻Mary had a little lamb & tied it to a pylon a 1000 volts shot up its ass & turned it into nylon
☻Mirror Mirror on the wall.Whos the fairest of them all?The mirror laughed & den it spat- It sure aint u.u ungly prat!
☻Jack & Jill went up da hill 2 have a little fun.But stupid Jill forgot da pill and now they have a son.
☻Mary had a little lamb & tied it to a pylon a 1000 volts shot up its ass & turned it into nylon
☻Mirror Mirror on the wall.Whos the fairest of them all?The mirror laughed & den it spat- It sure aint u.u ungly prat!
Mama Jokes
☻Yo Star Trek nerd so hairy she make Chewbacca look like Jean Luc Picard.
☻Your house is so disgusting that I tripped over a rat, got bitten by a tarantula and to top it off - the cockroaches nicked ma wallet...
☻I saw Yo mama at the freak show petting the world's largest wilderbeast.
☻I could have been Yo daddy, but the gorilla in front of me in line didn't use a condom.
☻If yo Momma n Poppa got a divorce, heck, they'd still be Brother and Sister
☻Yo mama's so fat that when she walks across the living room, the radio skips
☻I got on the train last night - they had a new sign up reading - "Maximum Occupancy: 200 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
☻Yo grannie's so fat, on each of her butt cheeks she has "Place Your Ad Here" printed.
☻Yo mama's a stunt double for the Predator
☻Yo mama is so bad, when she got called for jury duty she was found guilty.
☻Yo sista so fat that she gets runs in her Levi's
☻Yo mama's so fat, she ain't on a diet, she's on a Triet - She's all like - "Whatever yo eating ... I'll try it!"
☻Yo Mother in law's so fat, she was floating in the Atlantic ocean and Spain claimed her as a New World.
☻Yo mama's so fat, she gobbles down Cookies as if they were tic-tacs
☻Your moma's so stupid she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.
☻Yo mama's so large, she went to get an all over tan and the sun burned out...
☻Your mamma's so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup.
☻Yo AOL buddy so stupid when the Computer said 'Press any key to continue', she phoned support complaing she couldn't find the 'any' key...
☻Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.
☻You mama's so daft she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.
☻Yo Cousin so stupid that when I said I was going to Thailand she asked me if they still sold Kippers....
☻Your so ugly even the Elephant Man makes jokes about ye!
☻Yo Nana so ugly she didn't get hit with an ugly stick, but with THE ugly log.
☻I was speaking to your parents - they told me you was such an ugly baby they had to feed you with a slingshot.
☻Yo' kid brother so hairy, when I took him to the zoo the gorillas went ape shit thinking I had stole one of their babies...
☻Yo mama only got 1 finger and runs around stealing key rings.
☻Yo auntie Ethel's so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice.
☻Yo mama's like the new AOL 7.0: Fast, fun, oh so easy and you get 100 hours FREE
☻Yo brother's mouth so damn enormous, he speaks in Dolby surround sound!
☻Yo girlfriend's hips are so big, folk set their drinks on them. Your Noggin's so damn big you gotta wash yer hair in the Niagra Falls...
☻Yo Mama's so freakin nasty, I talked to her over the PC and she gave me a virus.
☻Yo mama's like a pirate, there she blows
Yo mama is so fat she has three shirt sizes, jumbo, humongus, and "OH
MY GOD IT'S COMING TOWARDS US!!"
☻Yo mama so poor i saw her kicking a can down the street and asked her what she was doing she said moving.
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept.
Yo mama's so damn stupid on a job application it said "sex" and she wrote Monday wednesday and sometimes friday.
☻Paris and Rico walked into the locker room holding his side and bending over. Paris says "ow man im so sore" Dario asks " whats wrong?" Paris replies " man yo mama was rough last night" Rico adds " she needs to loosen up"
☻Yo mama such a dirty whore that they're having to paternity test the whole state of Texas just to find out who yo daddy is!
☻Yo mamma so old that in the back seat of your car, kids don't say 'Are we there yet', they scream, 'Is she Dead yet!'
☻Yo mamas so hairy wen u were born u almost died of rugburn
☻Yo mama smells so bad, when she went to make friends with a skunk, the skunk got hit by a truck on purpose!
☻Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a bathroom and nearly pissed her
pants
☻Yo mama so fat her logo is "we are family, burger king, mc donalds and
me..."
☻Yo mama so fat she has all the food caterers on speed dial
☻Yo mama is so big she tripped over wal-mart and landed on target and evey time she passes by the t.v. i miss a seoson of friends
☻Your mommas so old someone told her to act her age and she died
☻Yo mama so poor that when i stepped on a cigarette she cried, hey, who turned off the heater.
☻Your sister is so ugly she reminds me of your mom.
☻Yo mamma so ugly, yo daddy would rather kiss her ass before going work everyday
☻Your moms so ugly the mailman mistacked her as the dog.
☻You mama so fat she stepped on an airplane and it turned into a submarine
☻This is a fact, yo mama's breath Is wack, she needs a tic, not a tac, but the whole damn pack
I don't mean to be mean, but yo mama needs listerine, not a sip, not a swallow, but the whole damn bottle.
☻Yo Mama's teeth are so yellow, cars slow down when she smiles!
Yo Mama's breath is so bad, she made a tic tac run away!
☻Your jokes are so corny that the corns on your toes got jealous.
Yo mama so ugly when she looked out the window she was arrested for 1st degree murder.
☻Yo mama like a fast food restaraunt - quick and easy!!!
☻Yo moma is so fat when it rains she uses a highway for a slip 'n' slide
☻Yo mamma so damn fat that when she traveled back to the dinosaur times and she took a step the dinosaurs said what the hell is happing...oh shit its a real damn earthquake.
☻Your mama so stupid when she saw a kid dress as a devil in halloween she thouth she was in hell
☻Yo Momma's so ugly, even Sloth from the Goonies wouldn't date her.
☻Yo mama like a shotgun - five cocks and shes loaded
☻Yo Mamma so damn ugly she makes Anne Ramsey look like J Lo.
☻Yo' mamma so ugly she got arrested for vandalizing a mirror shop.
☻Yo mama so stupid she put a peep hole in a glass door
☻Yo mama like nascar - two rubbers and shes ready to ride.
☻Yo mama's so ugly, she made a blind man cry!
☻Yo mamma so old, fat and hairy, that when she took you to the zoo the zookeepers thought a silverback Gorilla had abducted you!
☻Yo mama so fat, that when u were born, they had 2 send out a search party to find ya!
☻Yo mama soooo ugly, she works as a double for Saddam Hussein.
☻Yo moma so stupid if she would to speak her mind she would be speachless
☻Yo mama soooo poor she can't even pay attention!
☻Yo kid brother so damn ugly that the kids at school have started saying, "Hey Gollum, give us your autograph"
☻Yo mama so0o0o fat, one day she walked out with a yellow rain jacket on and the children began yelling, "Hey, the School Bus is here!"
☻Yo mama so0o0o fat, she takes baths in the Atlantic Ocean
☻Listen buddy, your mommy is so freakin dumb that if you told her pappa was a rolling stone, she'd tell her momma to put mick jagger on child support!
☻Yo Momma so damn fat the Police where going to use her as an emergency air mattress when Michael Jackson started dangling his baby.
☻Hey, yo momma so damn fat when her beeper goes off people turn around to see if she is backin up!!
☻Yo moma so fat when she wears a yellow rain coat all the people yell "taxi"
☻Yo mama's so damn fat that when she was kidnapped her face covered every side of the milk carton!
☻You so ugly when a friend walked you into school the teachers said sorry no pets aloud!
☻Your Mama so dumb she brought a spoon to the super bowl.
☻Yo Mama's so damn ugly that she turned your dad gay.
☻Yo mama's so bald, Mr. Clean got jealous.
☻Hey, your Momma is so sluttie I'd call her a hoe but hoes' get paid.
☻Yo Mamas so damn greasy that she has to use bacon for a bandaid.
☻Yo' mama so dumb she got locked inside Matress World and slept on the floor.
☻Yomomma so hairy that when she puts her arm to her side it looks like she has Don King in a headlock.
☻Yo mama so stupid that she got stabbed in a shoot out.
☻Yo mama so fat that when she went to sea world the little kids ran away and told their parents that a whale escaped.
☻Yo' Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!
☻Yo mama so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch.
☻Yo' Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!
☻Your mama's so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!
☻Yo Mama so damn old she used to Gang Bang with the Flintstones and had an affair with Captain Caveman.
☻Yo mamas so fat she shoved a battery up her ass and yelled "I got the Power!".
☻Yo mama so stupid and clumsy, she got tangled in a cordless phone.
☻Yo mama soooo fat, she put on a yellow dress and the kids thought she was the school bus.
☻Yo' Sista's just like a like a Popsicle - everybody wants a fuckin lick!
☻Yo Mamma's so hairy she just got an armpit trim and lost 20 pounds!
☻Yo Moma sooooo ugly, I could have been yo Daddy but the dog beat me under the fence!
☻Yo momma is soooooo stupid, she wears a t-shirt that says "hukd on fonicks woorkd fo mi"
☻Yo mam like a screen door - after a couple of bangs she tends to loosen up.
☻Yo mama is so fat she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles!
☻Yo mama so stupid she puts a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept
☻I heard that Yo mama is on the warpath - she lost a finger and now can't count past 9...
☻Yo mama so nasty when she masterbates, she gets arrested for cruelty to animals.
☻Yo mama's blind and is seeing another man.
☻Yo mama's glasses are so damn thick she can see into the future.
☻Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.
☻You gotta tell yo moma to stop changing lipstick color - I'm now getting a freakin Rainbow on my d**k!
☻Yo sista so damn stupid on her last job application where it said 'Sex?' she marked "M, F, and occasionally on a Thursday too.."
☻You' big brother so damn stupid that on his last job application, under emergency contact he put 999 (911).
☻Yo mam is so stupid - I just aks her about her X-Men and she said: "Well, my first baby's daddy was Jimmy...and I still see Johnny on Fridays...."
☻Yo Grannie so stupid she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.
☻Yo Mother in law's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road.
☻Yo Momma's like a Snickers bar - packed full with with nuts.
☻Yo ex-girlfriend's like Humpty Dumpty... first she gets humped, then she gets dumped.
☻Yo mama's like a race car driver...she burns a lot of rubbers...
☻Yo Auntie just like the Suez Canal - Vessels full of Seamen passing through everyday...
☻Yo gilfriends's afro so damb big, when the bitch got in my car everyone thought I had tinted windows.
☻Yo Mama ass so huge she take up 5 rows in the cinema...
☻Yo Papa's so short, he tried to commit suicide with a pin.
☻Yo Grannie's so enormous that when she went to the drycleaners to hand in her underwear, they put up a sign - 'NO PARACHUTES ALLOWED'
☻You Biology teacher so freakin stupid she thinks that DNA is the National Dyslexics Association.
☻Yo' best friend so idiotic she thoughtt Menopause was a button on her walkman.
☻You Momma so fat and stupid that her waist is bigger than her I.Q.
☻Tell Yo' girlfriend my Dog wanna know how much he owes her for last night...
☻Yo' papa so damn strange that he invented a water-proof teabag.
☻Yo mother in law so bald that when she put on a sweater, folk thought she was a roll on deoderant!
☻Did you know flies were given wings so that they could beat yo mama to the dump?
☻I heard yo house was made out of bog paper - why? cuz your whole family full of crap!
☻Yo kid brother so fat and ugly Peter Jackson offered him the part of the Cave Troll in lord of the rings
☻You Nose so damn big that we use yer snotters as Footballs.
☻Yo Momma so mad that she even made Kurt Russell escape from LA.
☻Yo Nana so ghetto she washes paper plates.
☻Oi, yo need to tell you mama to stop wearing the blue lipstick...I got balls like a smurf now!
☻You so skinny, you turned sideways and disappeared.
☻Yo mama's so bald, when she braids her hair, it remind me of stitches.
☻Yo Mama so fat when she steps on a scale it reads "One at a time, please".
☻Yo mama so fat and stupid that she was fired from Forrest Gump cuz she kept eating the box of chocolates.
☻Yo Sista so fat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.
☻Yo Mama so poor that she uses tumbleweed as a Xmas tree.
☻You Mommy so hairy she's got afros on her nipples.
☻Yo' mama breath so disgustingly bad that she needs Freshmints with batteries in it
☻Yo Papa's like an old arcade machine - toss in a quarter and you can play with his joystick.
☻Yo mama such a bitch, she interned for Clinton.
☻I told her drinks were on the house...so she went and got a ladder...
☻she make Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner
☻she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Cif.
☻she noticed a sign reading 'Wet Floor'...so she just did!
☻it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
☻when you were born, she looked at your umbilical cord and said, "Wow, it comes with cable too!"
☻she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken.
☻she got locked in the Quickie Mart and nearly starved to death.
☻she sold her Car for Petrol cash!
☻she reckoned a Quarterback was a refund...
☻she once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a Kerb.
☻she leaves tell tales signs she's been using my computer - white out (tipp ex) is on the screen.
☻she took a job cutting grass on an Oil Rig.
☻I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
☻it took her 2 days to make Microwaveable Pot Noodles.
☻she invented a silent car alarm.
☻that when you stand beside her you can actually hear the ocean
☻she really thought the cinema was selling Free Willies...
☻she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.
☻she was born on Halloween and can't remember her birthday.
☻she thought Morning Dew was a New York radio station.
☻she lost her shadow.
☻she went to a Whalers game to see Kiko.
☻she somehow got fired from a Blow-Job
☻she thought Hot Meals were stolen food.
☻she make Laurel and Hardy look like Nobel Prize winners.
☻when I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she asked me...'Which colour?'
☻Anything Yo's - So Damn Stupid...
☻Yo Poppa so stupid he studied for a Dope test!
☻Yo Postman so stupid that on his recorded delivery form where it says 'Don't write below dotted line', he puts 'OK'
☻Yo teacher so stupid she booked herself into the Bettie Ford clinic cos she thought she was Hooked On Phonics.
☻Yo Boss so stupid he bought everybody in the department solar powered flashlights incase of a blackout...
☻Yo Business associate so stupid he thought Gangrene was another golf course.
☻Your Kid Sister so damn stupid she put your puppy in the oven to make a Hot Dog.
☻Yo' Sister is so insanely stupid that last week she asked me to go to the lost and found with her when she missed her period.
☻Yo Dentist so stupid he uses mayonnaise as tooth filler
☻Yo Sister so dumb that she thought Taco Bell was Mexican phone company.
☻Your Grandpa so achingly stupid he think Beirut is a famous baseballer.
☻Your kid bro so stupid he try to strangle himself with his mobile phone.
☻Yo Minister so stupid he gives Sermons on Genesis....Phil Collins old band...
☻Your Kid sister so damn stupid she stands up on an empty School bus.
☻Yo Mom so stupid that Oxford had to change the definition of Dumb...it now read: Dumb(n) - yo' Mama
☻Yo Burglar so stupid he broke into yo house and stole food stamps
☻You cousin so stupid I told him to take out the garbage...so he moved house...
☻Yo Bus driver so stupid that she went to Disneyworld, saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so drove home.
☻Yo Politics professor so stupid he ask George W Bush to guest lecture on Government 101.
☻Yo' accountant so darn stupid he thinks a Quarterback is an income tax refund.
☻Your Computer Repairman so stupid he picks up your floppy's with magnets
☻Yo Mother-in-law so stupid, she won first place in the Dan Quale spelling contest
☻Yo Archeology Professor so damn stupid they have to dig for her IQ!
☻Yo Girlfriend so stupid, she teaches night classes at Stupid College.
☻Yo' Father in law so idiotic that he took a spoon to the superbowl.
☻Yo Sister's so stupid she could trip over a cordless telephone.
☻Yo Dog walker so stupid he took yo pet dog to the Clippers game to get him a haircut
☻Your Big Sister so god awfully stupid that they had to burn her school down just to get her out of 3rd grade.
☻Yo Father's so freakin stupid he has 1 toe on each foot, yet he just bought himself a pair of flip flops.
☻You Grandma's so stupid when I tell her it's chilly outside, she goes to fetch a bowl.
☻Your Grandpa so freakin stupid he sent me a fax with a 1st class stamp on it!
☻Yo BT Telephone repairman so freakin stupid he asked me what the number for 999 was...
☻Yo girlfriend so stupid when her Apple Mac says 'You've got mail" she runs outside to wait for the Postman
☻Yo Uncle so astonishingly stupid that he thought Nestle Cheerio's were a new type of Donut Seed
☻Yo Auntie so dumb her weekly shopping list consist of 1 item - 'Hundreds and thousands'
☻Your Dog's so stupid he bury's his own tail
☻Yo mama's so stupid, wait...she had you didn't she!
☻Yo Mother in law so stupid I saw her in Safeway's frozen food section with a fishing rod
☻Yo Uncle so stupid...heck, he marry your Auntie for christ sake!
☻Yo Priest so stupid I saw him worshiping at the feet of David Copperfield
☻Yo Reverand so stupid he asks David Ike for advice
☻Yo Grannie so dumb she go to the 24-hr convenience store and asks what time do they close...
☻Yo Mother in law so hellishly stupid, that Tony Blair is considering making dumbness a crime, punishable by lethal injection.
☻Your doctor's so stupid he uses his mp3 player as a stethoscope
☻Yo Mama So Ugly
☻she put the Boogie man outta business.
☻she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt
☻when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already..."
☻when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'
☻she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!
☻minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said "Yes, now let's go and bury her..."
☻they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.
☻when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote!
☻yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye...
☻she put Marilyn Manson out of business.
☻she was a guard at Snake Mountain
☻they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock...
☻even Harry Knowles refused to date her.
☻they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!
☻she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.
☻Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.
☻you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.
☻she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.
☻we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.
☻I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.
☻her shadow gave up.
☻people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her...
☻her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.
☻when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.
☻hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.
☻instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.
☻they gave her a middle name...'accident'.
☻she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.
☻when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!
☻even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her...
☻when she was born the Doc smacked her face.
☻Anything Yo's - So Ugly...
☻Yo Poppa so ugly he turned Medusa to Stone.
☻Yo Postman so freakin ugly he made the guard dogs shit themselves.
☻Yo Dentist so ugly they don't need anasthetics
☻Yo Boss so ugly people go as him for halloween.
☻Yo Priest so ugly that he have to give his Sermon from inside the Confessional Box.
☻Yo Teacher so ugly when she walks into the Building Society they turn off the CCTV cameras.
☻Yo Sister so Ugly that George Lucas cast her in Star Wars 3 as Jabbas wife - without the need for a costume.
☻Your kid bro so ugly that for Halloween he tricks or treats on his mobile phone!
☻Your Kid sister so damn ugly that when she sits on a sand dune at the beach, the cats try to bury her.
☻You cousin so ugly that when he threw a boomerang, it refused to come back.
☻Yo Driving Instructor's so ugly he has to wear a ski-mask when teaching.
☻Yo Mother-in-law so ugly, she won first place in the Wookie lookalike contest.
☻Your Girlfriend's so insanely ugly that I can screw her in any position and it's still Doggy-style!
☻Yo Girlfriend so ugly they put her in the Chimp enclosure to stop the Chimpanzee's from jerking off!
☻Yo' Father in law so ugly that his American Express card left home without him...
☻Yo Sister's so ugly that she must been conceived on the Motorway - ain't that where most accidents happen?
☻Yo Dog walker so ugly that he once took your Mutt to Crufts and WON - oh, the dog came second...
☻Your sister-in-law so god awful ugly that Durex want to use her as a poster child.
☻Yo Father's so ugly his hairline ain't receding...it's his hair that's running away from his ugly noggin.
☻You Grandma's so Ugly her Shrink makes her lie face down on the couch.
☻Your Grandpa so freakin ugly that when he gets up in the mornin, the Sun goes down.
☻Yo' Mum so ugli that even Prince Charming refuses to kiss her - he'd rather live as a frog.
☻Yo older sister so ugly that Mommy had to feed her with a fishing rod.
☻Yo Uncle so astonishingly ugly that whenever he comes over and goes to your bathroom, the toilet flushes.
☻Your Dog's so ugly as yo Momma that I had to shave its arse and make it walk backwards...
☻Yo mama's so ugly, hold on....you got a mirror handy???
☻Yo Mama's sister so ugly that Blind men refuse to have sex with her.
☻Yo Uncle so ugly, Spielberg wants him in Addams Family 3
☻Your kid so ugly the Doctor is STILL smacking his ass.
☻Yo Mother in law so hellishly ugly, that president George W Bush is considering making ugliness a crime, punishable by the electric chair
☻Yo Momma's so ugly that she hurt my feelings...
☻Your doctor's so ugly she manages to give Freddy Kreuger Nightmares!
☻Yo Moma So Old
☻she left her purse on Noah's Ark.
☻Jurassic Park brought back the memories...
☻when she ran the 100 metre dash, they timed her with a sundial.
☻she still owes Moses a dollar.
☻when she was at school...there was No history class!
☻she uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea
☻she's got the first autographed Koran.
☻she co-wrote the 4th Commandment.
☻when I asked for her ID she handed me a rock
☻she even made Yoda jealous.
☻she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch.
☻the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake
☻when she gave birth, You came out with Dentures.
☻she sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade
☻her first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.
☻vher birthday expired.
☻when Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo momma fishing on the other side!
☻she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.
☻Anything Yo's - So Old ...
☻Yo Grandpa so old his social security number is 000-000-001
☻Yo Priest so old he's got Adam and Eve's autograph
☻Yo Archeology Professor so old we found cave drawings of her.
☻Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust
☻You Postman so damn old his zip code is 00001.
☻Yo' geeky Star Wars friend so old he used to baby sit Yoda
☻Yo Doctor so old he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.
☻Yo hairdresser so old she used to cut Betty Rubble's hair
☻You so old you used to gang bang wid the Flintstones
☻Yo' home helper so old she was once a waitress at the last supper
☻Yo Grannie so old Spielberg hired her as historical consultant on Jurassic Park
☻Yo Nana so old she the only Creature in Jurassic Park they never had to animate
☻You Gardener so old she uses T-Rex dropping as fertilizer.
☻Yo History teacher so damn old he was co-author of the Dead Sea scrolls
☻Your Aunties so old that when God said 'let there be light', she was the one flicking on the light switch.
☻Yo Math teacher so old he baby-sat for Pythagorus
☻Yo Minister so old he used to get sermon tips from Zeus.
☻Yo Bookie so old he offered odds of 4 to 1 on Adam eating the apple
☻Yo Poppa so old and ugly they call him Captain Caveman
☻Yo sister so old she's more ancient than everything seen on the Antiques Road Show
☻yo' Mother in law so old she the only one at the old folks home with a senior citizens discount.
☻Yo' Papa so ancient that Mel Gibson hired him to offer insights on what life was like with William Wallace
☻I told yo big sister to act her own age...and she died.
☻You Dog so old it farts out dust.
☻Yo Boyfriend so old his birth certificate says "Expired" on it.
☻Yo Computer geek friend so old he used to babysit Pascal
☻Your Girlfriend's so old, she invented the term 'oldest profession in the world'
☻Yo' mother-in-law so ancient she's in Jesus's yearbook!
☻Yo Gardener's so damn old he remembers when the Garden of Eden was just a plant
☻Yo' big brother so old, he used to run Track with dinosaurs.
☻Your mother-in-law so freakin old she's got ROman Numerals on her birth certificate
☻Yo Moma So Poor
☻that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.
☻they put her photo on food stamps.
☻when I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.
☻she waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air conditioning.
☻burglars break into her home and leave money.
☻when I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.
☻the building society repossed her cardboard box.
☻she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.
☻each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk's fingers
☻she can't even afford to go to the free clinic.
☻when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing....'Moving' she replied.
☻I caught her trying to use food stamps in the Gobstopper machine.
☻when I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'
☻I asked her where the 'facilities were' and she replied - "Pick a corner...ANY corner..."
☻I visited her house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed - "Who's tearing down the drapes!!!!"
☻I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said "Sure thing, it's 4th tree on your right..."
☻only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted...
☻when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."
☻she hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.
☻closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping trolley....with a box on it...
☻she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.
☻I went into her 'living room', stepped on a Fag butt and she shouted - "Oi, who turned off the heater!"
☻I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying - "Who knocked???"
☻I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence.
☻she does drive by shootings on the school bus.
☻when she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she groule - "Don't use the good china"
☻Anything Yo's - So Poor...
☻You're so poor even Beggars give you money.
☻Yo Grannie so damn poor she bounces food stamps.
☻Your Teachers so poor she can't even afford to pay attention.
☻Yo Priest so poor he uses cardboard and ribena as bread and wine substitutes.
☻Yo Doctor so poor, he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.
☻You family so poor you's live in a 2-story Cracker Jack box.
☻Yo sister is so po...shit, she can't even afford them last 2 letters!
☻Yo Dentist is so poor she uses white-out/tippex as your tooth filler.
☻Yo' Cleaner so poor she can't afford a mop - she stands on her head in order to mop the floor...
☻Yo Poppa so poor his idea of Desert was to go outside and collect the 'yellow snow'...and yo loved it, didn't ya!
☻You Star Wars friend so insanely poor that I walked into his house, asked to use the bathroom, and he handed me a shovel saying: "May the force be with you."
☻Yo Father so poor that when I aks him what for dinner, he take off his shoelaces and says - Spaghetti!
☻Yo older sis getting so poor she's planning on getting married...just so she can get the rice at the wedding.
☻Your lecturer so poor he uses his cardboard box as a blackboard.
☻Yo' so poor, you get more government handouts than an English farmer
☻Yo' best friend so poor he have to fart just to get a scent (cent).
☻Yo Gossiping wife so poor she can't even afford to put her two cents into this conversation...
☻Yo Grannie so poor that when I asked her what's for dinner, she tried to throw ME in the oven!
☻Yo' Mommy so poor I went over for dinner, saw 3 beans on the table...took one and she said - "Don't be greedy!"
☻You Auntie's so poor she gotta live in a 2-story Dorritos bag...
☻Yo big brother so freakin poor I stepped on his old banged up skateboard and he yelled - "Get off my F****in CAR"
☻Yo Computer geek friend so poor he uses a Commodore 64 to surf the web.
☻Your pimp so poor he just bought an imitation of a fake Rolex
☻Yo Reverand so poor the congregation run over animals outside the church just to help with food...
☻Yo Gardener's so damn poor that when I pissed in his yard he thanked me for watering the lawn...
☻Yo Mama's so damn poor, her front porch matt says 'Wel'...
☻You so piss poor...hold on, you don't have a pot to piss in or even a window to throw it out of...
☻Yo Uncle so poor I went into his house, swatted a pesky firefly and he screamed - "Who turned out the lights?"
☻Yo Nana so sickenly poor I walks into her house, asked to use the toilet and she hand me 2 large sticks. I ask what they're for and she says: "Use one to hold up the ceiling...use the other to fight off the cockroaches..."
☻Yo half-sister so damn poor even the Republicans were willing to give her welfare.
☻Anything Yo's....
☻Yo Mamma's feet so skanky that when your family wants jam pieces, she gets yo brother to run a loaf of bread between her toes.
☻Yo' Grannies neck so damn wrinkled, I use it as a cheese grater.
☻I got notin bad to say about Yo Momma - heck, her face says it all...
☻Your pet Cat so freakin nasty it bit ma dog and gave it rabies.
☻Yo Auntie so stinkin that a skunk smelled her butt and passed out.
☻Yo mama's so poor, TV dinner trays are her good china.
☻Damn it, just realised that last yo is as old as the crust in yo Sister's knickers...
☻You liked that mama joke didn't ya? Good?...well, nowhere near as good as Yo Mama was last night :)
☻But, hey, if I wanted a comeback, christ, I'd just wipe it off Yo Mamma's chin...
☻Yo Mama like a television - even a 2 year old can turn her on!
☻You brother so hairy Big foot is taking his picture..
☻Yo Mother in law so stinky she use Right Guard and Left Guard.
☻Your Grandpa's so hairy, Jane Goodall follows him around.
☻Yo Star wars geeky friend so damn hairy, she's a stunt double for Chewbacca and her baby daughter played the leader of the Ewoks (no makeup needed).
☻Yo English teacher so damn stupid, she failed a survey...
☻Yo Sista like a mailbox, open all day and all night...
☻Yo mama's so clumsy, she got tangled up in a Mobile phone.
☻Yo mama's like an elevator - blokes go up and down on her all day. Yo Mother in law so dmamnd Dislexus when I told her to go get some Head and Shoulders...she jump on top of me Shoulders and gave me head!!!
☻Your IM buddies so damn stanky, I can smell them over the interweb
☻Only job yo ever gonna get is as a blind bird-watcher.
☻Yo idiotic Doctor so damn greasy that he uses Bacon as a bandaid
☻Yo Dog so short it's best friend is an Ant.
☻Yo Auntie so flat chested she jealous of the wall.
☻Yo girlfriend so cheap I threw her a penny for sex and she gave me change...
☻The first line in the Bible was mistranslated - it actually reads - 'In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth and yo' fat ugly Mama'
☻Yo Grandpa's house so damned cold, the Roaches ice skate around the kitchen.
☻Yo Momma house so small that I put my Key in the doorlock and broke the freakin back window!
☻I heard yo mama got fired from her job at the sperm bank - the boss caught her drinking on the job...
☻Yo baby sista's nose so long, it make Steffi Graf jealous...
☻Yo Mam so damn ugly, look like the ho was hit by the whole freakin Ugly Tree!!!
☻Yo Mama so old - heck, the first line of the Koran was mistranslated - it should read 'All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds and Father of Yo' Mama'...
☻I heard that yo Granny was so disgustingly ugly that on a holiday to Egypt she looked up a Camel's ass and scared the hump off of it!
☻Yo Driving Instructor so damn old he got hieroglyphics on his Driver license.
☻Yo Cousin so old she drives a chariot to High school
☻I took yo Mama to the Doctor's - I tell him that she feeling poorly and that she only got 1 toe and 1 knee. Doc tells me she's contracted 'Tony'...
☻Yo Boss so damn ugly that when he leaned out the window the Police arrested him for attempted murder
☻That Grandpa of your's so stupid and poor that when I came over for Dinner he read me recipes...
☻Yo wee brother so damn hairy that he went for a short back and sides and lost 30 pounds...
☻Yo mama's chest hair so damn long, it growing all the way down to her willy.
☻Yo mama's so nice, she offered me the hair off her back.
☻Yo Mother in law so nasty, she got more clap than an auditorium.
☻I's apologise for talkin bout Yo Mama...I should know better...hell, I don't even know the Man...
☻No seriously, under all that hair yo Mama is really a Saint....a saint Bernard!
☻But really, yo Mamma is just like a golf course - everybody gets a hole in one!
☻Yo Nana still so fat she wears a Microwave as a beeper.
☻And yo Mother-in-law so huge she stole my pillow cases when she ran outta socks.
☻Yo mama should be locked away, cos every time she moons people they turn into werewolves
☻She nasty too ya know - yo daddy just got out of hospital after eating her out - he caught food poisining...
☻Yo'momma so ugly she actually is very good at her job: Being a scarecrow
☻Yo Momma Like
☻a hardware store - only 10 cents a screw.
☻a bus - only 50 pence a ride
☻a 747 - a 3 man cock pit!
☻a shotgun - first she cocks...then she blows.
☻a Hoover - she sucks, blows, and finally gets laid back in the closet...
☻a BT phonebox - on every damn corner and costs only 20p a go
☻an arcade machine - dirty, smelly, costs 20 pence and lasts 30 seconds
☻a door knob - cos everybody gets a turn!
☻the sun - if you stare at her too long you're gonna go blind.
☻a Christmas tree - everybody hangs balls on her.
☻Pizza Hut - not there in 30 minutes...it's free.
☻a Bowling Ball - she gets picked up, fingered, thrown into the gutter, yet she still comes back for more...
☻a stamp - you lick her, then stick her, and finally then send her away.
☻McDonalds ... Billions and Billions served...
☻a railroad track - she gets laid all over the country.
☻the Pillsbury dough boy - everybody loves to poke her
☻a Scooter - everybody ridin her but nobody admitting it
☻peanut butter -- oh so smooth, creamy, and easy to spread.
☻Anything Yo's
☻Yo secretary is like an ATM machine - open 24 hours...
☻Yo Female Boss like a 7-11...open 24 hours for your convenience...
☻Yo Sister-in-law like a chicken coop - cocks flyin in and out all day...
☻Yo' ex-girlfriend just like a squirrel - she always got some nuts in her mouth...
☻Your Big sis like the Bermuda triangle...they swallow a whole lotta seamen.
☻Yo' Cousin like a Penny...she ain't worth two bob.
☻Yo Auntie like a Library - open to the public.
☻Your Mummy like Blockbuster Video - everybody goes home happy.
☻Your Aunt Mary just like a birthday cake - everybody gets a piece...
☻Yo Chip shop assistant like a fine restaraunt - she only take deliviries in rear...
☻Yo Momma so Smelly
☻the government make her wear a Biohazard warning
☻she made Right Guard call for backup.
☻even the dogs won't smell her.
☻an old blind geezer walking by asked her 'yo, how much for the shrimp platter?"
☻that when she spread her legs, I got seasick...
☻she wiz playin in my Sand Box and the cat came along and buried her.
☻her poo is glad to escape.
☻that standing next to a skunk, the Skunko smells sweet!
☻that the only dis I'm gonna give her is Disinfectent...
☻that when you was being born, the doctor's and nurses all had to wear oxygen masks...
☻even sewer rats get outta her way...
☻that farmers use her bathwater as liquid fertilizer...
☻Yo Momma so Dirty
☻she has to creep up on the bath water.
☻that standin next to a tramp, she make the tramp look like a butler.
☻that her house is so dirty I gotta wipe my feet before I go back outside.
☻she lost 2 stone after taking a shower
☻that even the Swamp Thing insisted she showered.
☻that Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to use as chemical weapons.
☻Yo Momma so Greasy
☻Texaco buy oil from her
☻she got a job at the cinema - buttering popcorn with her leg hair...
☻her freckles slipped off.
☻the Chip Shop uses her sweat as Deep Fry
☻she sweats butter, syrup, excretes jam...and has a full time job at the 'Pancake Palace' wiping pancakes across her forheed
☻her idea of bottled water is the left over oil slime from a bacon, sausage and egg fry up.
☻she uses bacon as a band aid.
☻Your Mama So Fat
☻when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...
☻she once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food she ate it!
☻folk exercise by jogging around her!
☻when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.
☻she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy
☻she make Kiko the Whale look like a Smartie
☻NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer
☻she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm...
☻small objects orbit her.
☻she make olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic.
☻when I tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips.
☻when she farted she launched herself into orbit.
☻she lost a game at Hide&Seek only cos I spotted her...behind Mount Everest.
☻when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol!
☻she could be the eighth continent.
☻she nearly put Safeway out of business
☻the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity.
☻her Uni graduation photo was an aerial
☻when she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball.
☻she make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic.
☻her fave food is seconds.
☻her belt size is Equator.
☻she eats Desert out of a Trash Can lid
☻she wears an 'X' jacket and Copters attempt to land on her
☻she shows up on radar.
☻she needs a map to find her butt.
☻she fell into the Grand Canyon....and got stuck!
☻she wears an asteroid belt.
☻her Passport photo says 'Picture is continued overleaf'
☻she has TB ... 2 bellys.
☻she's once, twice, three times a lady.
☻she was in the Daily Record last week on page 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.
☻the circus use her as a trampoline
☻stunt agencies use her as an air mattress
☻when she opens the Fridge it says - 'I give up...'
☻she got a new gig at the Cinema...she works as the screen
☻she once told me 'I could eat a horse'...believe me, she wasn't kidding!
☻she deep fries her toothpaste.
☻Anything Yo's - So Fat...
☻Yo Grannie so damn fat, that if she was an Aeroplane, she'd be a Jumbo Jet.
☻Yo Grandpa so fat that he's half Scottish, half Irish and half American
☻Yo Wife so fat she fell off a boat and the Captain yelled, "Land Ahoy!!!"
☻Yo Priest so fat, when he bungee jumped he went straight to hell...
☻Yo Doctor so fat, that when her Beeper goes off folk think she's backing up.
☻Yo Auntie so fat when she goes to Gap the only thing she can fit into is the Dressing Room
☻Yo Bookie so fat he gotta buy clothes by the furlon
☻Yo Dentist so fat that when he burped he blew out all yo mamma's teeth...that why she so ugly!
☻Yo Papa's so large when you climb on top of him your ears pop.
☻Yo Father so fat that when he sat on a Rainbow skittles fell out.
☻Yo Sister so fat that even Richard Simmons can't help laughing
☻Yo Sis so Monstrous she uses Soccer balls for earrings.
☻Yo Father so fat he can't even tie his own shoelaces
☻Yo Mama so huge that God created her...and on the seventh day rested.
☻Your Kid Sister so fat the Japanese Sumo Wrestling squad had to turn her down.
☻Yo Star Trek fan so fat he make Riker's beer belly look 2 atoms thick
☻Yo Lawyer's so fat...we're inside her right now.
☻Yo' Baker so freakin fat he masturbates when reading cookbooks
☻Yo Auntie so fat that Weight Watchers threw her out for breaking the scales.
☻Yo Boss so fat that when she calls a board meeting she has to pull herself up a Sofa.
☻Yo Air hostess so fat that on a scale of 1 to 10 she a 747.
☻Your boyfriend so fat he hasn't seen his feet for 10 years
☻Yo Bro so fat that when he farted, Mars came out...and I ain't talkin bout the 'sweetie'
☻You Nana so fat that when she went for a swim in the ocean she caused a 60 foot tidal wave.
☻Yo Music teacher so freakin Fat that she whistles Bass
☻Yo Postman so fat he got his very own Post Code
☻You cousin so fat she's on Both sides of the family.
☻Yo Girlfriend so fat I ask her to go get a Curry and she bring back 80 pounds of gravy.
☻Yo kid brother so fat he sat on 4 quarters and made a dollar.
☻Your Mom so fat she uses a bed mattress for a maxipad
☻Yo wife so fat she got more nooks and Crannies than a Ploughman's pastry
☻Yo Sister so fat she got a new job DJ'ing for the Ice Cream Van.
☻Yo Momma so fat all chairs in the house have their own seatbelts.
☻Yo Dog so fat that when you take it 'walkies' it don't know whether it walking or rolling
☻Your Mommas so fat, when it says All you can eat it still ain't enough.
☻Yo' Astronomer so fat she plays pool with Venus....and Neptune...and pluto...and...
☻Yo Moma...
☻has 10 fingers -- all on the same hand.
☻has green hair and thinks she's a Tree.
☻has a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
☻has wooden boobs and breast feeds beavers
☻has one short leg and that why she always walking in circles...
☻has a major weight problem - she can't wait...to eat.
☻got a house that's so dusty, the Cockroaches drive around in Dune Buggies
☻got a glass eye with a fish in it.
☻got so much hair on her upper lip she has to braid it
☻got so much dandruff that a Midgie landed on her head and said: "Christ, I aint' seen this much snow in years."
☻got so much hair on her chest that her Breasts remind me of Coconuts...
☻is a carpenter's dream - flat as a board and so easy to nail...
☻Anything Yo's
☻Yo Grannies got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
☻You got no arms, no legs, and when you go swimming they call you Bob
☻Yo Wife got more weave than a dog in rush hour traffic.
☻Yo Girlfriend got an ElectroWig - including sunroof and Opera lights
☻Yo Big brother got a wooden nipple and they call him Corky.
☻Yo Priest got ears so big he gets satellite reception.
☻Your kid bro got more crust round his mouth than a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
☻Yo Milkman's teeth so damn yellow I can't believe it's not butter
☻Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust
☻Yo Mother in law so yellow you'd think she'd been blowing the Simpsons
☻Yo mama's got a wooden leg with branches. Yo' baby sister got more mouth than Julia Roberts
☻Yo' Boy next door got an Afro with a turn signal in it.
☻Yo Doc' got 1 wooden leg with a real foot.
☻You geeky Star Wars girlfriend got more bum fur than an Ewok.
☻Yo Mommy got so many gaps in her teeth it reminds me of Piano keys
☻Yo Best Friend only got two fingers and she's a representative for world peace.
☻Yo' humor webmaster so desperate for money he got a wooden leg with advertisements stapled to it.
☻You Computer Geek friend got one tooth and they call him Chomping-at-the-Bits
☻Yo' Nana's teeth so damb black you'd think she had coal for her dinner
☻Yo Grannie had more men than the grand old duke of york...and then some...
☻Your Auntie got one leg...and folk call her Eileen
☻Yo kid sister got so many rings round her belly that she gotta screw her underware on
☻Yo cousin got 3 teeth ... one in her mouth and two in her pocket.
☻Yo PE teacher has one arm and swims round in circles
☻Yo Dentist got Summer teeth...summer in his mouth....summer in his trouser pockets...
☻You Wife got more crack than harlem
☻Your Dentist made yo teeth so crooked you use them to cut chain at the DIY store.
☻Your house is so disgusting that I tripped over a rat, got bitten by a tarantula and to top it off - the cockroaches nicked ma wallet...
☻I saw Yo mama at the freak show petting the world's largest wilderbeast.
☻I could have been Yo daddy, but the gorilla in front of me in line didn't use a condom.
☻If yo Momma n Poppa got a divorce, heck, they'd still be Brother and Sister
☻Yo mama's so fat that when she walks across the living room, the radio skips
☻I got on the train last night - they had a new sign up reading - "Maximum Occupancy: 200 Patrons OR Yo Mama"
☻Yo grannie's so fat, on each of her butt cheeks she has "Place Your Ad Here" printed.
☻Yo mama's a stunt double for the Predator
☻Yo mama is so bad, when she got called for jury duty she was found guilty.
☻Yo sista so fat that she gets runs in her Levi's
☻Yo mama's so fat, she ain't on a diet, she's on a Triet - She's all like - "Whatever yo eating ... I'll try it!"
☻Yo Mother in law's so fat, she was floating in the Atlantic ocean and Spain claimed her as a New World.
☻Yo mama's so fat, she gobbles down Cookies as if they were tic-tacs
☻Your moma's so stupid she thinks a 17 inch Admiral is a well hung sailor.
☻Yo mama's so large, she went to get an all over tan and the sun burned out...
☻Your mamma's so fat, the body snatchers called home for backup.
☻Yo AOL buddy so stupid when the Computer said 'Press any key to continue', she phoned support complaing she couldn't find the 'any' key...
☻Yo mama's so stupid, she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.
☻You mama's so daft she thought Chubby Checkers was a game for fat people.
☻Yo Cousin so stupid that when I said I was going to Thailand she asked me if they still sold Kippers....
☻Your so ugly even the Elephant Man makes jokes about ye!
☻Yo Nana so ugly she didn't get hit with an ugly stick, but with THE ugly log.
☻I was speaking to your parents - they told me you was such an ugly baby they had to feed you with a slingshot.
☻Yo' kid brother so hairy, when I took him to the zoo the gorillas went ape shit thinking I had stole one of their babies...
☻Yo mama only got 1 finger and runs around stealing key rings.
☻Yo auntie Ethel's so toothless, it took her an hour to eat minute rice.
☻Yo mama's like the new AOL 7.0: Fast, fun, oh so easy and you get 100 hours FREE
☻Yo brother's mouth so damn enormous, he speaks in Dolby surround sound!
☻Yo girlfriend's hips are so big, folk set their drinks on them. Your Noggin's so damn big you gotta wash yer hair in the Niagra Falls...
☻Yo Mama's so freakin nasty, I talked to her over the PC and she gave me a virus.
☻Yo mama's like a pirate, there she blows
Yo mama is so fat she has three shirt sizes, jumbo, humongus, and "OH
MY GOD IT'S COMING TOWARDS US!!"
☻Yo mama so poor i saw her kicking a can down the street and asked her what she was doing she said moving.
Yo mama so stupid she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept.
Yo mama's so damn stupid on a job application it said "sex" and she wrote Monday wednesday and sometimes friday.
☻Paris and Rico walked into the locker room holding his side and bending over. Paris says "ow man im so sore" Dario asks " whats wrong?" Paris replies " man yo mama was rough last night" Rico adds " she needs to loosen up"
☻Yo mama such a dirty whore that they're having to paternity test the whole state of Texas just to find out who yo daddy is!
☻Yo mamma so old that in the back seat of your car, kids don't say 'Are we there yet', they scream, 'Is she Dead yet!'
☻Yo mamas so hairy wen u were born u almost died of rugburn
☻Yo mama smells so bad, when she went to make friends with a skunk, the skunk got hit by a truck on purpose!
☻Yo mama so stupid she got locked in a bathroom and nearly pissed her
pants
☻Yo mama so fat her logo is "we are family, burger king, mc donalds and
me..."
☻Yo mama so fat she has all the food caterers on speed dial
☻Yo mama is so big she tripped over wal-mart and landed on target and evey time she passes by the t.v. i miss a seoson of friends
☻Your mommas so old someone told her to act her age and she died
☻Yo mama so poor that when i stepped on a cigarette she cried, hey, who turned off the heater.
☻Your sister is so ugly she reminds me of your mom.
☻Yo mamma so ugly, yo daddy would rather kiss her ass before going work everyday
☻Your moms so ugly the mailman mistacked her as the dog.
☻You mama so fat she stepped on an airplane and it turned into a submarine
☻This is a fact, yo mama's breath Is wack, she needs a tic, not a tac, but the whole damn pack
I don't mean to be mean, but yo mama needs listerine, not a sip, not a swallow, but the whole damn bottle.
☻Yo Mama's teeth are so yellow, cars slow down when she smiles!
Yo Mama's breath is so bad, she made a tic tac run away!
☻Your jokes are so corny that the corns on your toes got jealous.
Yo mama so ugly when she looked out the window she was arrested for 1st degree murder.
☻Yo mama like a fast food restaraunt - quick and easy!!!
☻Yo moma is so fat when it rains she uses a highway for a slip 'n' slide
☻Yo mamma so damn fat that when she traveled back to the dinosaur times and she took a step the dinosaurs said what the hell is happing...oh shit its a real damn earthquake.
☻Your mama so stupid when she saw a kid dress as a devil in halloween she thouth she was in hell
☻Yo Momma's so ugly, even Sloth from the Goonies wouldn't date her.
☻Yo mama like a shotgun - five cocks and shes loaded
☻Yo Mamma so damn ugly she makes Anne Ramsey look like J Lo.
☻Yo' mamma so ugly she got arrested for vandalizing a mirror shop.
☻Yo mama so stupid she put a peep hole in a glass door
☻Yo mama like nascar - two rubbers and shes ready to ride.
☻Yo mama's so ugly, she made a blind man cry!
☻Yo mamma so old, fat and hairy, that when she took you to the zoo the zookeepers thought a silverback Gorilla had abducted you!
☻Yo mama so fat, that when u were born, they had 2 send out a search party to find ya!
☻Yo mama soooo ugly, she works as a double for Saddam Hussein.
☻Yo moma so stupid if she would to speak her mind she would be speachless
☻Yo mama soooo poor she can't even pay attention!
☻Yo kid brother so damn ugly that the kids at school have started saying, "Hey Gollum, give us your autograph"
☻Yo mama so0o0o fat, one day she walked out with a yellow rain jacket on and the children began yelling, "Hey, the School Bus is here!"
☻Yo mama so0o0o fat, she takes baths in the Atlantic Ocean
☻Listen buddy, your mommy is so freakin dumb that if you told her pappa was a rolling stone, she'd tell her momma to put mick jagger on child support!
☻Yo Momma so damn fat the Police where going to use her as an emergency air mattress when Michael Jackson started dangling his baby.
☻Hey, yo momma so damn fat when her beeper goes off people turn around to see if she is backin up!!
☻Yo moma so fat when she wears a yellow rain coat all the people yell "taxi"
☻Yo mama's so damn fat that when she was kidnapped her face covered every side of the milk carton!
☻You so ugly when a friend walked you into school the teachers said sorry no pets aloud!
☻Your Mama so dumb she brought a spoon to the super bowl.
☻Yo Mama's so damn ugly that she turned your dad gay.
☻Yo mama's so bald, Mr. Clean got jealous.
☻Hey, your Momma is so sluttie I'd call her a hoe but hoes' get paid.
☻Yo Mamas so damn greasy that she has to use bacon for a bandaid.
☻Yo' mama so dumb she got locked inside Matress World and slept on the floor.
☻Yomomma so hairy that when she puts her arm to her side it looks like she has Don King in a headlock.
☻Yo mama so stupid that she got stabbed in a shoot out.
☻Yo mama so fat that when she went to sea world the little kids ran away and told their parents that a whale escaped.
☻Yo' Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!
☻Yo mama so stupid she sat on the tv and watched the couch.
☻Yo' Mamma is so fat she uses a VHS as a beeper!
☻Your mama's so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale!
☻Yo Mama so damn old she used to Gang Bang with the Flintstones and had an affair with Captain Caveman.
☻Yo mamas so fat she shoved a battery up her ass and yelled "I got the Power!".
☻Yo mama so stupid and clumsy, she got tangled in a cordless phone.
☻Yo mama soooo fat, she put on a yellow dress and the kids thought she was the school bus.
☻Yo' Sista's just like a like a Popsicle - everybody wants a fuckin lick!
☻Yo Mamma's so hairy she just got an armpit trim and lost 20 pounds!
☻Yo Moma sooooo ugly, I could have been yo Daddy but the dog beat me under the fence!
☻Yo momma is soooooo stupid, she wears a t-shirt that says "hukd on fonicks woorkd fo mi"
☻Yo mam like a screen door - after a couple of bangs she tends to loosen up.
☻Yo mama is so fat she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles!
☻Yo mama so stupid she puts a ruler on her pillow to see how long she slept
☻I heard that Yo mama is on the warpath - she lost a finger and now can't count past 9...
☻Yo mama so nasty when she masterbates, she gets arrested for cruelty to animals.
☻Yo mama's blind and is seeing another man.
☻Yo mama's glasses are so damn thick she can see into the future.
☻Yo mama's so old, she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp.
☻You gotta tell yo moma to stop changing lipstick color - I'm now getting a freakin Rainbow on my d**k!
☻Yo sista so damn stupid on her last job application where it said 'Sex?' she marked "M, F, and occasionally on a Thursday too.."
☻You' big brother so damn stupid that on his last job application, under emergency contact he put 999 (911).
☻Yo mam is so stupid - I just aks her about her X-Men and she said: "Well, my first baby's daddy was Jimmy...and I still see Johnny on Fridays...."
☻Yo Grannie so stupid she thought Sherlock Holmes was a housing project.
☻Yo Mother in law's teeth are so yellow, Dorothy and Toto thought it was the Yellow Brick Road.
☻Yo Momma's like a Snickers bar - packed full with with nuts.
☻Yo ex-girlfriend's like Humpty Dumpty... first she gets humped, then she gets dumped.
☻Yo mama's like a race car driver...she burns a lot of rubbers...
☻Yo Auntie just like the Suez Canal - Vessels full of Seamen passing through everyday...
☻Yo gilfriends's afro so damb big, when the bitch got in my car everyone thought I had tinted windows.
☻Yo Mama ass so huge she take up 5 rows in the cinema...
☻Yo Papa's so short, he tried to commit suicide with a pin.
☻Yo Grannie's so enormous that when she went to the drycleaners to hand in her underwear, they put up a sign - 'NO PARACHUTES ALLOWED'
☻You Biology teacher so freakin stupid she thinks that DNA is the National Dyslexics Association.
☻Yo' best friend so idiotic she thoughtt Menopause was a button on her walkman.
☻You Momma so fat and stupid that her waist is bigger than her I.Q.
☻Tell Yo' girlfriend my Dog wanna know how much he owes her for last night...
☻Yo' papa so damn strange that he invented a water-proof teabag.
☻Yo mother in law so bald that when she put on a sweater, folk thought she was a roll on deoderant!
☻Did you know flies were given wings so that they could beat yo mama to the dump?
☻I heard yo house was made out of bog paper - why? cuz your whole family full of crap!
☻Yo kid brother so fat and ugly Peter Jackson offered him the part of the Cave Troll in lord of the rings
☻You Nose so damn big that we use yer snotters as Footballs.
☻Yo Momma so mad that she even made Kurt Russell escape from LA.
☻Yo Nana so ghetto she washes paper plates.
☻Oi, yo need to tell you mama to stop wearing the blue lipstick...I got balls like a smurf now!
☻You so skinny, you turned sideways and disappeared.
☻Yo mama's so bald, when she braids her hair, it remind me of stitches.
☻Yo Mama so fat when she steps on a scale it reads "One at a time, please".
☻Yo mama so fat and stupid that she was fired from Forrest Gump cuz she kept eating the box of chocolates.
☻Yo Sista so fat the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.
☻Yo Mama so poor that she uses tumbleweed as a Xmas tree.
☻You Mommy so hairy she's got afros on her nipples.
☻Yo' mama breath so disgustingly bad that she needs Freshmints with batteries in it
☻Yo Papa's like an old arcade machine - toss in a quarter and you can play with his joystick.
☻Yo mama such a bitch, she interned for Clinton.
☻I told her drinks were on the house...so she went and got a ladder...
☻she make Homer Simpson look like a Nobel Prize winner
☻she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Cif.
☻she noticed a sign reading 'Wet Floor'...so she just did!
☻it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
☻when you were born, she looked at your umbilical cord and said, "Wow, it comes with cable too!"
☻she asked for a refund on a jigsaw puzzle complaining it was broken.
☻she got locked in the Quickie Mart and nearly starved to death.
☻she sold her Car for Petrol cash!
☻she reckoned a Quarterback was a refund...
☻she once attempted to commit suicide by jumping off a Kerb.
☻she leaves tell tales signs she's been using my computer - white out (tipp ex) is on the screen.
☻she took a job cutting grass on an Oil Rig.
☻I found her peaking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
☻it took her 2 days to make Microwaveable Pot Noodles.
☻she invented a silent car alarm.
☻that when you stand beside her you can actually hear the ocean
☻she really thought the cinema was selling Free Willies...
☻she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.
☻she was born on Halloween and can't remember her birthday.
☻she thought Morning Dew was a New York radio station.
☻she lost her shadow.
☻she went to a Whalers game to see Kiko.
☻she somehow got fired from a Blow-Job
☻she thought Hot Meals were stolen food.
☻she make Laurel and Hardy look like Nobel Prize winners.
☻when I asked her to purchase me a Colour TV she asked me...'Which colour?'
☻Anything Yo's - So Damn Stupid...
☻Yo Poppa so stupid he studied for a Dope test!
☻Yo Postman so stupid that on his recorded delivery form where it says 'Don't write below dotted line', he puts 'OK'
☻Yo teacher so stupid she booked herself into the Bettie Ford clinic cos she thought she was Hooked On Phonics.
☻Yo Boss so stupid he bought everybody in the department solar powered flashlights incase of a blackout...
☻Yo Business associate so stupid he thought Gangrene was another golf course.
☻Your Kid Sister so damn stupid she put your puppy in the oven to make a Hot Dog.
☻Yo' Sister is so insanely stupid that last week she asked me to go to the lost and found with her when she missed her period.
☻Yo Dentist so stupid he uses mayonnaise as tooth filler
☻Yo Sister so dumb that she thought Taco Bell was Mexican phone company.
☻Your Grandpa so achingly stupid he think Beirut is a famous baseballer.
☻Your kid bro so stupid he try to strangle himself with his mobile phone.
☻Yo Minister so stupid he gives Sermons on Genesis....Phil Collins old band...
☻Your Kid sister so damn stupid she stands up on an empty School bus.
☻Yo Mom so stupid that Oxford had to change the definition of Dumb...it now read: Dumb(n) - yo' Mama
☻Yo Burglar so stupid he broke into yo house and stole food stamps
☻You cousin so stupid I told him to take out the garbage...so he moved house...
☻Yo Bus driver so stupid that she went to Disneyworld, saw a sign that said "Disneyworld Left" so drove home.
☻Yo Politics professor so stupid he ask George W Bush to guest lecture on Government 101.
☻Yo' accountant so darn stupid he thinks a Quarterback is an income tax refund.
☻Your Computer Repairman so stupid he picks up your floppy's with magnets
☻Yo Mother-in-law so stupid, she won first place in the Dan Quale spelling contest
☻Yo Archeology Professor so damn stupid they have to dig for her IQ!
☻Yo Girlfriend so stupid, she teaches night classes at Stupid College.
☻Yo' Father in law so idiotic that he took a spoon to the superbowl.
☻Yo Sister's so stupid she could trip over a cordless telephone.
☻Yo Dog walker so stupid he took yo pet dog to the Clippers game to get him a haircut
☻Your Big Sister so god awfully stupid that they had to burn her school down just to get her out of 3rd grade.
☻Yo Father's so freakin stupid he has 1 toe on each foot, yet he just bought himself a pair of flip flops.
☻You Grandma's so stupid when I tell her it's chilly outside, she goes to fetch a bowl.
☻Your Grandpa so freakin stupid he sent me a fax with a 1st class stamp on it!
☻Yo BT Telephone repairman so freakin stupid he asked me what the number for 999 was...
☻Yo girlfriend so stupid when her Apple Mac says 'You've got mail" she runs outside to wait for the Postman
☻Yo Uncle so astonishingly stupid that he thought Nestle Cheerio's were a new type of Donut Seed
☻Yo Auntie so dumb her weekly shopping list consist of 1 item - 'Hundreds and thousands'
☻Your Dog's so stupid he bury's his own tail
☻Yo mama's so stupid, wait...she had you didn't she!
☻Yo Mother in law so stupid I saw her in Safeway's frozen food section with a fishing rod
☻Yo Uncle so stupid...heck, he marry your Auntie for christ sake!
☻Yo Priest so stupid I saw him worshiping at the feet of David Copperfield
☻Yo Reverand so stupid he asks David Ike for advice
☻Yo Grannie so dumb she go to the 24-hr convenience store and asks what time do they close...
☻Yo Mother in law so hellishly stupid, that Tony Blair is considering making dumbness a crime, punishable by lethal injection.
☻Your doctor's so stupid he uses his mp3 player as a stethoscope
☻Yo Mama So Ugly
☻she put the Boogie man outta business.
☻she make Michael Jackson look like Brad Pitt
☻when she wobbles down the street in September, folk say, "Damn it, can't believe it's Halloween already..."
☻when she applied for the ugly contest they told her 'NO Professionals'
☻she looked out her window and was arrested for indecent exposure!
☻minutes after she was born her Mother shouted 'What a treasure!" and her Poppa said "Yes, now let's go and bury her..."
☻they push her face into the dough mixture when making Monster cookies.
☻when they took her to the Beautician it took 10 hours....and that was just for the quote!
☻yer Daddy takes her to work each day so he doesny have to kiss her goodbye...
☻she put Marilyn Manson out of business.
☻she was a guard at Snake Mountain
☻they knew what time she was born cuz her face stopped the clock...
☻even Harry Knowles refused to date her.
☻they embalmed her face on a box of super-strength laxatives and sold it empty!
☻she gets 364 extra days just to dress up for Halloween.
☻Tony Blair moved Halloween to her birthday.
☻you papa throws the ugly stick and she goes fetches it every time.
☻she scared the stitching outta Frankenstein.
☻we had to tie a steak round her neck so the dogs would play with her.
☻I heard yer Father first met her at the Zoo.
☻her shadow gave up.
☻people at the Zoo pay cash so they DON't have to see her...
☻her mom had to be Pissed drunk just to breast feed her.
☻when born, the doctors had to fit her incubator with tinted windows.
☻hotel managers use her picture to keep away the Rats.
☻instead of round the ankles, they put the Bungee Jumping cord round her neck.
☻they gave her a middle name...'accident'.
☻she fell out of the Ugly Tree, hitting every branch on the way down.
☻when she walked into the Haunted House, she came back out with a Job Application!
☻even Slicky Willy Clinton refused to sleep with her...
☻when she was born the Doc smacked her face.
☻Anything Yo's - So Ugly...
☻Yo Poppa so ugly he turned Medusa to Stone.
☻Yo Postman so freakin ugly he made the guard dogs shit themselves.
☻Yo Dentist so ugly they don't need anasthetics
☻Yo Boss so ugly people go as him for halloween.
☻Yo Priest so ugly that he have to give his Sermon from inside the Confessional Box.
☻Yo Teacher so ugly when she walks into the Building Society they turn off the CCTV cameras.
☻Yo Sister so Ugly that George Lucas cast her in Star Wars 3 as Jabbas wife - without the need for a costume.
☻Your kid bro so ugly that for Halloween he tricks or treats on his mobile phone!
☻Your Kid sister so damn ugly that when she sits on a sand dune at the beach, the cats try to bury her.
☻You cousin so ugly that when he threw a boomerang, it refused to come back.
☻Yo Driving Instructor's so ugly he has to wear a ski-mask when teaching.
☻Yo Mother-in-law so ugly, she won first place in the Wookie lookalike contest.
☻Your Girlfriend's so insanely ugly that I can screw her in any position and it's still Doggy-style!
☻Yo Girlfriend so ugly they put her in the Chimp enclosure to stop the Chimpanzee's from jerking off!
☻Yo' Father in law so ugly that his American Express card left home without him...
☻Yo Sister's so ugly that she must been conceived on the Motorway - ain't that where most accidents happen?
☻Yo Dog walker so ugly that he once took your Mutt to Crufts and WON - oh, the dog came second...
☻Your sister-in-law so god awful ugly that Durex want to use her as a poster child.
☻Yo Father's so ugly his hairline ain't receding...it's his hair that's running away from his ugly noggin.
☻You Grandma's so Ugly her Shrink makes her lie face down on the couch.
☻Your Grandpa so freakin ugly that when he gets up in the mornin, the Sun goes down.
☻Yo' Mum so ugli that even Prince Charming refuses to kiss her - he'd rather live as a frog.
☻Yo older sister so ugly that Mommy had to feed her with a fishing rod.
☻Yo Uncle so astonishingly ugly that whenever he comes over and goes to your bathroom, the toilet flushes.
☻Your Dog's so ugly as yo Momma that I had to shave its arse and make it walk backwards...
☻Yo mama's so ugly, hold on....you got a mirror handy???
☻Yo Mama's sister so ugly that Blind men refuse to have sex with her.
☻Yo Uncle so ugly, Spielberg wants him in Addams Family 3
☻Your kid so ugly the Doctor is STILL smacking his ass.
☻Yo Mother in law so hellishly ugly, that president George W Bush is considering making ugliness a crime, punishable by the electric chair
☻Yo Momma's so ugly that she hurt my feelings...
☻Your doctor's so ugly she manages to give Freddy Kreuger Nightmares!
☻Yo Moma So Old
☻she left her purse on Noah's Ark.
☻Jurassic Park brought back the memories...
☻when she ran the 100 metre dash, they timed her with a sundial.
☻she still owes Moses a dollar.
☻when she was at school...there was No history class!
☻she uses her hot flushes to heat her cup of Tea
☻she's got the first autographed Koran.
☻she co-wrote the 4th Commandment.
☻when I asked for her ID she handed me a rock
☻she even made Yoda jealous.
☻she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch.
☻the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake
☻when she gave birth, You came out with Dentures.
☻she sat in front of Jesus in 1st grade
☻her first job was as Cain and Abel's baby-sitter.
☻vher birthday expired.
☻when Moses parted the Red Sea, he found yo momma fishing on the other side!
☻she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.
☻Anything Yo's - So Old ...
☻Yo Grandpa so old his social security number is 000-000-001
☻Yo Priest so old he's got Adam and Eve's autograph
☻Yo Archeology Professor so old we found cave drawings of her.
☻Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust
☻You Postman so damn old his zip code is 00001.
☻Yo' geeky Star Wars friend so old he used to baby sit Yoda
☻Yo Doctor so old he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.
☻Yo hairdresser so old she used to cut Betty Rubble's hair
☻You so old you used to gang bang wid the Flintstones
☻Yo' home helper so old she was once a waitress at the last supper
☻Yo Grannie so old Spielberg hired her as historical consultant on Jurassic Park
☻Yo Nana so old she the only Creature in Jurassic Park they never had to animate
☻You Gardener so old she uses T-Rex dropping as fertilizer.
☻Yo History teacher so damn old he was co-author of the Dead Sea scrolls
☻Your Aunties so old that when God said 'let there be light', she was the one flicking on the light switch.
☻Yo Math teacher so old he baby-sat for Pythagorus
☻Yo Minister so old he used to get sermon tips from Zeus.
☻Yo Bookie so old he offered odds of 4 to 1 on Adam eating the apple
☻Yo Poppa so old and ugly they call him Captain Caveman
☻Yo sister so old she's more ancient than everything seen on the Antiques Road Show
☻yo' Mother in law so old she the only one at the old folks home with a senior citizens discount.
☻Yo' Papa so ancient that Mel Gibson hired him to offer insights on what life was like with William Wallace
☻I told yo big sister to act her own age...and she died.
☻You Dog so old it farts out dust.
☻Yo Boyfriend so old his birth certificate says "Expired" on it.
☻Yo Computer geek friend so old he used to babysit Pascal
☻Your Girlfriend's so old, she invented the term 'oldest profession in the world'
☻Yo' mother-in-law so ancient she's in Jesus's yearbook!
☻Yo Gardener's so damn old he remembers when the Garden of Eden was just a plant
☻Yo' big brother so old, he used to run Track with dinosaurs.
☻Your mother-in-law so freakin old she's got ROman Numerals on her birth certificate
☻Yo Moma So Poor
☻that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.
☻they put her photo on food stamps.
☻when I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.
☻she waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air conditioning.
☻burglars break into her home and leave money.
☻when I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.
☻the building society repossed her cardboard box.
☻she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.
☻each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk's fingers
☻she can't even afford to go to the free clinic.
☻when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing....'Moving' she replied.
☻I caught her trying to use food stamps in the Gobstopper machine.
☻when I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'
☻I asked her where the 'facilities were' and she replied - "Pick a corner...ANY corner..."
☻I visited her house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed - "Who's tearing down the drapes!!!!"
☻I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said "Sure thing, it's 4th tree on your right..."
☻only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted...
☻when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."
☻she hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.
☻closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping trolley....with a box on it...
☻she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.
☻I went into her 'living room', stepped on a Fag butt and she shouted - "Oi, who turned off the heater!"
☻I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying - "Who knocked???"
☻I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence.
☻she does drive by shootings on the school bus.
☻when she asked me over to dinner I took a paper plate from the kitchen and she groule - "Don't use the good china"
☻Anything Yo's - So Poor...
☻You're so poor even Beggars give you money.
☻Yo Grannie so damn poor she bounces food stamps.
☻Your Teachers so poor she can't even afford to pay attention.
☻Yo Priest so poor he uses cardboard and ribena as bread and wine substitutes.
☻Yo Doctor so poor, he uses chewing gum as a bandaid.
☻You family so poor you's live in a 2-story Cracker Jack box.
☻Yo sister is so po...shit, she can't even afford them last 2 letters!
☻Yo Dentist is so poor she uses white-out/tippex as your tooth filler.
☻Yo' Cleaner so poor she can't afford a mop - she stands on her head in order to mop the floor...
☻Yo Poppa so poor his idea of Desert was to go outside and collect the 'yellow snow'...and yo loved it, didn't ya!
☻You Star Wars friend so insanely poor that I walked into his house, asked to use the bathroom, and he handed me a shovel saying: "May the force be with you."
☻Yo Father so poor that when I aks him what for dinner, he take off his shoelaces and says - Spaghetti!
☻Yo older sis getting so poor she's planning on getting married...just so she can get the rice at the wedding.
☻Your lecturer so poor he uses his cardboard box as a blackboard.
☻Yo' so poor, you get more government handouts than an English farmer
☻Yo' best friend so poor he have to fart just to get a scent (cent).
☻Yo Gossiping wife so poor she can't even afford to put her two cents into this conversation...
☻Yo Grannie so poor that when I asked her what's for dinner, she tried to throw ME in the oven!
☻Yo' Mommy so poor I went over for dinner, saw 3 beans on the table...took one and she said - "Don't be greedy!"
☻You Auntie's so poor she gotta live in a 2-story Dorritos bag...
☻Yo big brother so freakin poor I stepped on his old banged up skateboard and he yelled - "Get off my F****in CAR"
☻Yo Computer geek friend so poor he uses a Commodore 64 to surf the web.
☻Your pimp so poor he just bought an imitation of a fake Rolex
☻Yo Reverand so poor the congregation run over animals outside the church just to help with food...
☻Yo Gardener's so damn poor that when I pissed in his yard he thanked me for watering the lawn...
☻Yo Mama's so damn poor, her front porch matt says 'Wel'...
☻You so piss poor...hold on, you don't have a pot to piss in or even a window to throw it out of...
☻Yo Uncle so poor I went into his house, swatted a pesky firefly and he screamed - "Who turned out the lights?"
☻Yo Nana so sickenly poor I walks into her house, asked to use the toilet and she hand me 2 large sticks. I ask what they're for and she says: "Use one to hold up the ceiling...use the other to fight off the cockroaches..."
☻Yo half-sister so damn poor even the Republicans were willing to give her welfare.
☻Anything Yo's....
☻Yo Mamma's feet so skanky that when your family wants jam pieces, she gets yo brother to run a loaf of bread between her toes.
☻Yo' Grannies neck so damn wrinkled, I use it as a cheese grater.
☻I got notin bad to say about Yo Momma - heck, her face says it all...
☻Your pet Cat so freakin nasty it bit ma dog and gave it rabies.
☻Yo Auntie so stinkin that a skunk smelled her butt and passed out.
☻Yo mama's so poor, TV dinner trays are her good china.
☻Damn it, just realised that last yo is as old as the crust in yo Sister's knickers...
☻You liked that mama joke didn't ya? Good?...well, nowhere near as good as Yo Mama was last night :)
☻But, hey, if I wanted a comeback, christ, I'd just wipe it off Yo Mamma's chin...
☻Yo Mama like a television - even a 2 year old can turn her on!
☻You brother so hairy Big foot is taking his picture..
☻Yo Mother in law so stinky she use Right Guard and Left Guard.
☻Your Grandpa's so hairy, Jane Goodall follows him around.
☻Yo Star wars geeky friend so damn hairy, she's a stunt double for Chewbacca and her baby daughter played the leader of the Ewoks (no makeup needed).
☻Yo English teacher so damn stupid, she failed a survey...
☻Yo Sista like a mailbox, open all day and all night...
☻Yo mama's so clumsy, she got tangled up in a Mobile phone.
☻Yo mama's like an elevator - blokes go up and down on her all day. Yo Mother in law so dmamnd Dislexus when I told her to go get some Head and Shoulders...she jump on top of me Shoulders and gave me head!!!
☻Your IM buddies so damn stanky, I can smell them over the interweb
☻Only job yo ever gonna get is as a blind bird-watcher.
☻Yo idiotic Doctor so damn greasy that he uses Bacon as a bandaid
☻Yo Dog so short it's best friend is an Ant.
☻Yo Auntie so flat chested she jealous of the wall.
☻Yo girlfriend so cheap I threw her a penny for sex and she gave me change...
☻The first line in the Bible was mistranslated - it actually reads - 'In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth and yo' fat ugly Mama'
☻Yo Grandpa's house so damned cold, the Roaches ice skate around the kitchen.
☻Yo Momma house so small that I put my Key in the doorlock and broke the freakin back window!
☻I heard yo mama got fired from her job at the sperm bank - the boss caught her drinking on the job...
☻Yo baby sista's nose so long, it make Steffi Graf jealous...
☻Yo Mam so damn ugly, look like the ho was hit by the whole freakin Ugly Tree!!!
☻Yo Mama so old - heck, the first line of the Koran was mistranslated - it should read 'All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds and Father of Yo' Mama'...
☻I heard that yo Granny was so disgustingly ugly that on a holiday to Egypt she looked up a Camel's ass and scared the hump off of it!
☻Yo Driving Instructor so damn old he got hieroglyphics on his Driver license.
☻Yo Cousin so old she drives a chariot to High school
☻I took yo Mama to the Doctor's - I tell him that she feeling poorly and that she only got 1 toe and 1 knee. Doc tells me she's contracted 'Tony'...
☻Yo Boss so damn ugly that when he leaned out the window the Police arrested him for attempted murder
☻That Grandpa of your's so stupid and poor that when I came over for Dinner he read me recipes...
☻Yo wee brother so damn hairy that he went for a short back and sides and lost 30 pounds...
☻Yo mama's chest hair so damn long, it growing all the way down to her willy.
☻Yo mama's so nice, she offered me the hair off her back.
☻Yo Mother in law so nasty, she got more clap than an auditorium.
☻I's apologise for talkin bout Yo Mama...I should know better...hell, I don't even know the Man...
☻No seriously, under all that hair yo Mama is really a Saint....a saint Bernard!
☻But really, yo Mamma is just like a golf course - everybody gets a hole in one!
☻Yo Nana still so fat she wears a Microwave as a beeper.
☻And yo Mother-in-law so huge she stole my pillow cases when she ran outta socks.
☻Yo mama should be locked away, cos every time she moons people they turn into werewolves
☻She nasty too ya know - yo daddy just got out of hospital after eating her out - he caught food poisining...
☻Yo'momma so ugly she actually is very good at her job: Being a scarecrow
☻Yo Momma Like
☻a hardware store - only 10 cents a screw.
☻a bus - only 50 pence a ride
☻a 747 - a 3 man cock pit!
☻a shotgun - first she cocks...then she blows.
☻a Hoover - she sucks, blows, and finally gets laid back in the closet...
☻a BT phonebox - on every damn corner and costs only 20p a go
☻an arcade machine - dirty, smelly, costs 20 pence and lasts 30 seconds
☻a door knob - cos everybody gets a turn!
☻the sun - if you stare at her too long you're gonna go blind.
☻a Christmas tree - everybody hangs balls on her.
☻Pizza Hut - not there in 30 minutes...it's free.
☻a Bowling Ball - she gets picked up, fingered, thrown into the gutter, yet she still comes back for more...
☻a stamp - you lick her, then stick her, and finally then send her away.
☻McDonalds ... Billions and Billions served...
☻a railroad track - she gets laid all over the country.
☻the Pillsbury dough boy - everybody loves to poke her
☻a Scooter - everybody ridin her but nobody admitting it
☻peanut butter -- oh so smooth, creamy, and easy to spread.
☻Anything Yo's
☻Yo secretary is like an ATM machine - open 24 hours...
☻Yo Female Boss like a 7-11...open 24 hours for your convenience...
☻Yo Sister-in-law like a chicken coop - cocks flyin in and out all day...
☻Yo' ex-girlfriend just like a squirrel - she always got some nuts in her mouth...
☻Your Big sis like the Bermuda triangle...they swallow a whole lotta seamen.
☻Yo' Cousin like a Penny...she ain't worth two bob.
☻Yo Auntie like a Library - open to the public.
☻Your Mummy like Blockbuster Video - everybody goes home happy.
☻Your Aunt Mary just like a birthday cake - everybody gets a piece...
☻Yo Chip shop assistant like a fine restaraunt - she only take deliviries in rear...
☻Yo Momma so Smelly
☻the government make her wear a Biohazard warning
☻she made Right Guard call for backup.
☻even the dogs won't smell her.
☻an old blind geezer walking by asked her 'yo, how much for the shrimp platter?"
☻that when she spread her legs, I got seasick...
☻she wiz playin in my Sand Box and the cat came along and buried her.
☻her poo is glad to escape.
☻that standing next to a skunk, the Skunko smells sweet!
☻that the only dis I'm gonna give her is Disinfectent...
☻that when you was being born, the doctor's and nurses all had to wear oxygen masks...
☻even sewer rats get outta her way...
☻that farmers use her bathwater as liquid fertilizer...
☻Yo Momma so Dirty
☻she has to creep up on the bath water.
☻that standin next to a tramp, she make the tramp look like a butler.
☻that her house is so dirty I gotta wipe my feet before I go back outside.
☻she lost 2 stone after taking a shower
☻that even the Swamp Thing insisted she showered.
☻that Saddam Hussain tried to import her bath water to use as chemical weapons.
☻Yo Momma so Greasy
☻Texaco buy oil from her
☻she got a job at the cinema - buttering popcorn with her leg hair...
☻her freckles slipped off.
☻the Chip Shop uses her sweat as Deep Fry
☻she sweats butter, syrup, excretes jam...and has a full time job at the 'Pancake Palace' wiping pancakes across her forheed
☻her idea of bottled water is the left over oil slime from a bacon, sausage and egg fry up.
☻she uses bacon as a band aid.
☻Your Mama So Fat
☻when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...
☻she once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food she ate it!
☻folk exercise by jogging around her!
☻when she bends over, we enter Daylight Saving Time.
☻she sat on a Nintendo Gamecube and it turned into a gameboy
☻she make Kiko the Whale look like a Smartie
☻NASA plan to use her to shore up the hole in the Ozone layer
☻she was measured at 38-26-36 and that was just the left arm...
☻small objects orbit her.
☻she make olympic sumo wrestlers look anerixic.
☻when I tell her to haul ass, she gotta make two trips.
☻when she farted she launched herself into orbit.
☻she lost a game at Hide&Seek only cos I spotted her...behind Mount Everest.
☻when I had to swerve to avoid hitting her on the road I ran out of Petrol!
☻she could be the eighth continent.
☻she nearly put Safeway out of business
☻the only thing that's attracted to her is gravity.
☻her Uni graduation photo was an aerial
☻when she auditioned for a part in Raiders of the Lost Ark she got the part of the big Rolling Ball.
☻she make Jabba the Hutt look anorexic.
☻her fave food is seconds.
☻her belt size is Equator.
☻she eats Desert out of a Trash Can lid
☻she wears an 'X' jacket and Copters attempt to land on her
☻she shows up on radar.
☻she needs a map to find her butt.
☻she fell into the Grand Canyon....and got stuck!
☻she wears an asteroid belt.
☻her Passport photo says 'Picture is continued overleaf'
☻she has TB ... 2 bellys.
☻she's once, twice, three times a lady.
☻she was in the Daily Record last week on page 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.
☻the circus use her as a trampoline
☻stunt agencies use her as an air mattress
☻when she opens the Fridge it says - 'I give up...'
☻she got a new gig at the Cinema...she works as the screen
☻she once told me 'I could eat a horse'...believe me, she wasn't kidding!
☻she deep fries her toothpaste.
☻Anything Yo's - So Fat...
☻Yo Grannie so damn fat, that if she was an Aeroplane, she'd be a Jumbo Jet.
☻Yo Grandpa so fat that he's half Scottish, half Irish and half American
☻Yo Wife so fat she fell off a boat and the Captain yelled, "Land Ahoy!!!"
☻Yo Priest so fat, when he bungee jumped he went straight to hell...
☻Yo Doctor so fat, that when her Beeper goes off folk think she's backing up.
☻Yo Auntie so fat when she goes to Gap the only thing she can fit into is the Dressing Room
☻Yo Bookie so fat he gotta buy clothes by the furlon
☻Yo Dentist so fat that when he burped he blew out all yo mamma's teeth...that why she so ugly!
☻Yo Papa's so large when you climb on top of him your ears pop.
☻Yo Father so fat that when he sat on a Rainbow skittles fell out.
☻Yo Sister so fat that even Richard Simmons can't help laughing
☻Yo Sis so Monstrous she uses Soccer balls for earrings.
☻Yo Father so fat he can't even tie his own shoelaces
☻Yo Mama so huge that God created her...and on the seventh day rested.
☻Your Kid Sister so fat the Japanese Sumo Wrestling squad had to turn her down.
☻Yo Star Trek fan so fat he make Riker's beer belly look 2 atoms thick
☻Yo Lawyer's so fat...we're inside her right now.
☻Yo' Baker so freakin fat he masturbates when reading cookbooks
☻Yo Auntie so fat that Weight Watchers threw her out for breaking the scales.
☻Yo Boss so fat that when she calls a board meeting she has to pull herself up a Sofa.
☻Yo Air hostess so fat that on a scale of 1 to 10 she a 747.
☻Your boyfriend so fat he hasn't seen his feet for 10 years
☻Yo Bro so fat that when he farted, Mars came out...and I ain't talkin bout the 'sweetie'
☻You Nana so fat that when she went for a swim in the ocean she caused a 60 foot tidal wave.
☻Yo Music teacher so freakin Fat that she whistles Bass
☻Yo Postman so fat he got his very own Post Code
☻You cousin so fat she's on Both sides of the family.
☻Yo Girlfriend so fat I ask her to go get a Curry and she bring back 80 pounds of gravy.
☻Yo kid brother so fat he sat on 4 quarters and made a dollar.
☻Your Mom so fat she uses a bed mattress for a maxipad
☻Yo wife so fat she got more nooks and Crannies than a Ploughman's pastry
☻Yo Sister so fat she got a new job DJ'ing for the Ice Cream Van.
☻Yo Momma so fat all chairs in the house have their own seatbelts.
☻Yo Dog so fat that when you take it 'walkies' it don't know whether it walking or rolling
☻Your Mommas so fat, when it says All you can eat it still ain't enough.
☻Yo' Astronomer so fat she plays pool with Venus....and Neptune...and pluto...and...
☻Yo Moma...
☻has 10 fingers -- all on the same hand.
☻has green hair and thinks she's a Tree.
☻has a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
☻has wooden boobs and breast feeds beavers
☻has one short leg and that why she always walking in circles...
☻has a major weight problem - she can't wait...to eat.
☻got a house that's so dusty, the Cockroaches drive around in Dune Buggies
☻got a glass eye with a fish in it.
☻got so much hair on her upper lip she has to braid it
☻got so much dandruff that a Midgie landed on her head and said: "Christ, I aint' seen this much snow in years."
☻got so much hair on her chest that her Breasts remind me of Coconuts...
☻is a carpenter's dream - flat as a board and so easy to nail...
☻Anything Yo's
☻Yo Grannies got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
☻You got no arms, no legs, and when you go swimming they call you Bob
☻Yo Wife got more weave than a dog in rush hour traffic.
☻Yo Girlfriend got an ElectroWig - including sunroof and Opera lights
☻Yo Big brother got a wooden nipple and they call him Corky.
☻Yo Priest got ears so big he gets satellite reception.
☻Your kid bro got more crust round his mouth than a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.
☻Yo Milkman's teeth so damn yellow I can't believe it's not butter
☻Your Wife getting so old she startin to fart out Mummy dust
☻Yo Mother in law so yellow you'd think she'd been blowing the Simpsons
☻Yo mama's got a wooden leg with branches. Yo' baby sister got more mouth than Julia Roberts
☻Yo' Boy next door got an Afro with a turn signal in it.
☻Yo Doc' got 1 wooden leg with a real foot.
☻You geeky Star Wars girlfriend got more bum fur than an Ewok.
☻Yo Mommy got so many gaps in her teeth it reminds me of Piano keys
☻Yo Best Friend only got two fingers and she's a representative for world peace.
☻Yo' humor webmaster so desperate for money he got a wooden leg with advertisements stapled to it.
☻You Computer Geek friend got one tooth and they call him Chomping-at-the-Bits
☻Yo' Nana's teeth so damb black you'd think she had coal for her dinner
☻Yo Grannie had more men than the grand old duke of york...and then some...
☻Your Auntie got one leg...and folk call her Eileen
☻Yo kid sister got so many rings round her belly that she gotta screw her underware on
☻Yo cousin got 3 teeth ... one in her mouth and two in her pocket.
☻Yo PE teacher has one arm and swims round in circles
☻Yo Dentist got Summer teeth...summer in his mouth....summer in his trouser pockets...
☻You Wife got more crack than harlem
☻Your Dentist made yo teeth so crooked you use them to cut chain at the DIY store.
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