Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?
At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
What is Satan's last name?
Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Where does the toetag go on a dead person if they don't have toes?
If your driving a federal owned car, and you run a stop sign, is it considered a felony?
Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"?
If you dug a hole through the center of the earth,and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity?
If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin?
If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and your the main witness, what if you say "no"?
Do they bury people with their braces on?
How far east can you go before you're heading west?
How does a Real Estate company sell its office without causing confusion?
Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves?
If, in a baseball game, the batter hits a ball splitting it right down the center with half the ball flying out of the park and the other half being caught, what is the final ruling?
If you were to get drunk in a country where the drinking limit is under 21, and went to the states and were still over the limit, could they arrest you for underage drinking even though you did not do the drinking in the states.
Why do people think that swaying their arm back and forth would change the direction of a bowling ball?
If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP?
Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?
Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it.
If a lesbian has sex with other women but never with another man is she still considered a virgin?
If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Is it rude for a deaf person to talk (sign) with their mouth full of food?
If its 11:30 PM Dec 31 in Texas and 12:30 AM Jan 1st in New York and you have a New York driver's license that expires Jan 2007, does that mean your license has expired?
What's the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup?
If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?
Why is the Lone Ranger called 'Lone' if he always has his Indian friend Tonto with him?
When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
If a baby's leg pops out at 11:59PM but his head doesn't come out until 12:01, which day was he born on?
In the song Yankee Doodle, is he calling the horse or the feather "macaroni"?
Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
Can you daydream at night?
Why is it that on a phone or calculator the number five has a little dot on it?
Can crop circles be square?
If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?
Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?
When Atheists go to court, do they have to swear on the bible?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Can animals commit suicide?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
How can something be "new" and "improved"? if it's new, what was it improving on?
Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?
When two people marry, they say, "you may kiss the bride". What do they say if two MEN get married?
Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "get in hot water"?
Why do people say beans beans the magical fruit when beans are vegetables?
If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why are the little styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Why are they called 'Jolly Ranchers'? Who said that the ranchers were jolly?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?
If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?
If milk goes bad if not refrigerated, does it go bad if the cow isnt refrigerated?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
Do prison buses have emergency exits?
Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?
Can a black person join the kkk?
When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
When there's two men who "get married", do they both go to the same bachelor party?
If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
Why is it that before 9/11 they always showed the emergency broadcast system test, and on 9/11 they never used it?
If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?
Who was Sadie Hawkins?
If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?
If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
What does PU stand for (as in "PU, that stinks!")?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol (e.g. drunk-driving) if they have eaten someone who was drunk?
What is the stage of a reptile when it has eggs in it but they haven't been laid. Are they pregnant?
If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
Why is it called a funny bone, when if you hit it, it's not funny at all?
Do you yawn in your sleep?
Why do dogs like the smell of other dogs butts?
If a cannible was on death row could he ask for the last guy that was electricuted for his last meal?
Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies?
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
If someone has their nose pierced, have a cold, and take thier nose ring out. Does snot come out of the piercing hole?
How come lemon washing up liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavorings.
Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
Why can't donuts be square?
Why put a towel in the dirty clothes basket if when you get out of the shower you are clean?
What happens to an irrisitable force when it hits an immovable object?
If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?
Why do overalls have bel loops, since they are held up at the top by the straps?
Do people in prison celebrate halloween.... if so how?
Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
Why are all of the Harry Potter spells in Latin if they're English?
What do Greeks say when they don't understand something?
What happens if a queen gives birth to a pair of siamese twins? Who gets to be king?
Do all-boys schools have girls bathrooms? Conversely, do all-girls schools have boys bathrooms?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
How come cats butts go up when you pet them?
What would happen to the sea's water level if every boat in the World was taken out of the water at the same time?
How come you never see a billboard being put up by the highway?
Do the English people eat English muffins, or are they just called muffins?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why does Jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the smell is gone?
Why are dogs noses always wet?
If a bee is allergic to pollen would it get the hives?
Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?
Why is it OK for dudes to slap other dudes' asses in football, but not in any other situation?
Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread?
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
At what point in man's evolution did he start wiping his ass?
Do bald people get Dandruff?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why do superheros wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Can you cry under water?
Why Does Pluto Live in a dog house, eat dog food, etc. but Goofy, who is also a dog, lives in a condo and drives a car?
If you blew a bubble in space would it pop?
Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
How come all of the planets are spherical?
How did the first women ever to shave their legs know that the skin wouldn't just peel right off?
when a pregnant lady has twins, is there 1 or 2 umbilical cords?
Why doesn't Winnie the Pooh ever get stung by the bees he messes with?
Why do they put holes in crackers?
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?
What do people in China call their good plates?
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Why don't woodpeckers get headaches when they slam their head on a tree all day?
If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?
If an escalotor breaks down, does it become stairs?
Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?
Why do they say a football team is the 'world champion' when they don't play anybody outside the US?
Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn?
What are the handles for corn on the cob called?
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
Why do we press the start button to turn off the computer?
Do your eyes change color when you die?
Were Mary and Joseph's surname Christ before Jesus was born?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?
If K.F.C Stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken, Why do they play sweet home Alabama on the comercials?
If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?
What type of animal is Snuffaluffagus?
If you had a three story house and were in the second floor, isn't it possible that you can be upstairs and downstairs at the same time?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
Does a 'Marks-A-Lot' marker, mark any more than a regular marker?
If you really could dig a hole to China, and you did, and you fell in, would you stop in the middle because of gravity?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
What happens when you put a lightsaber in water?
On Gilligan's Island, how did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3 hour tour?
If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
What do you call male ballerinas?
How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?
Why people are so scared of mice,which are much smaller than us, when no one seems to be scared of Micky Mouse, who is bigger than us?
Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
Why are plastic bears the only animal you can get honey from? Why can't you get honey from a plastic bee?
Can bald men get lice?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
Do butterflies remember life as a caterpillar?
If you undergo chemotherapy do you lose your pubic hairs?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Does the postman deliver his own mail?
Why does toilet bowl cleaner only come in the color blue?
What happens when you put hand sanitizer on a place other then your hand?
Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?
Can you "stare off into space" when you're in space?
Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?
Is "vice-versa" to a dyslexic just plain redundant?
How come you can kill a deer and put it up on your wall. but it's illegal to keep one as a pet?
Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?
If prunes are dehydrated plums, where does prune juice come from?
Is it appropriate to say "good mourning" at a funeral?
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
When you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
Was Jesus a virgin when he died?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
Who coined the phrase, 'coined the phrase?'
If there were a thousand seaguls in an airplane while its flying, each weighing two pounds a piece, but they were all flying in the airplane, would the airplane weigh 2000 pounds more?
If you soak a raisin in water, does it turn back into a grape?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do they call steam rollers, steam rollers? They don't produce, get rid of, or have anythong to do with steam
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
funniest jokes The Usual Suspects
Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets."
Do you know about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.
Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back ...
The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets."
Do you know about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.
Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back ...
funniest jokes Good Question
Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars!
"This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"
Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."
The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.
"Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
"This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"
Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."
The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.
"Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
Blue Collar Comedy
What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? "Hey, y'all ... Watch this!"
Three things you'll never hear a redneck say:
The tires on that truck are too big.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
Duct tape won't fix that!
You might be a redneck if you think the last words to "The Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
Three things you'll never hear a redneck say:
The tires on that truck are too big.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
Duct tape won't fix that!
You might be a redneck if you think the last words to "The Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
A Little Perspective Goes a Long Way
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No," says the bum.
The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"
Again the bum says, "No."
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No," says the bum.
The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"
Again the bum says, "No."
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
Badump-Bump
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Someone told him to get a long little doggy.
How do you keep a jackass in suspense? I'll let you know tomorrow!
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Someone told him to get a long little doggy.
How do you keep a jackass in suspense? I'll let you know tomorrow!
Thick Walls Make Good Neighbors
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
-- Steven Wright
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How's it work?"
"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"
-- Steven Wright
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How's it work?"
"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"
Why It's Important to Listen Carefully
Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."
Swimming With Sharks
What do you get when you cross a librarian and a lawyer?
All the information you want, except you can't understand it.
What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think that they're jokes.
All the information you want, except you can't understand it.
What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think that they're jokes.
What's Black and White and ...
A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."
What a Card!
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
-- Pun American Newsletter
Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge.
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"
-- Pun American Newsletter
Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge.
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"
Next Time, Let's Stay in a Hotel
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."
Man's Best Friend
A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.
"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."
Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers?
A: They have two left feet.
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.
"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."
Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers?
A: They have two left feet.
Live and Learn
Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.
"Sadness," he replied.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.
"Elation," he replied.
"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."
"Sadness," he replied.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.
"Elation," he replied.
"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."
Live and Learn
Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.
"Sadness," he replied.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.
"Elation," he replied.
"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."
"Sadness," he replied.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.
"Elation," he replied.
"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."
Not Fade Away
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.
Fore!
The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"
The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"
The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."
Playing With Our Words
My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."
A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
Happy Hour...With a Twist
A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer ............ and some of those peanuts."
The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?" The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."
The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"
A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?" The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."
Say a Little Prayer
Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Say a Little Prayer
Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Explosively Funny
Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"
After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"
After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"
Who's Counting?
How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.
Quacking Up
A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."
The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"
The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"
What's in a Name?
A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
Timing Is Everything
A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
"Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65," the newspaper obit read. "The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50."
-- Merrill Markoe, Late Night With David Letterman, The Book (Villard)
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"
"Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65," the newspaper obit read. "The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50."
-- Merrill Markoe, Late Night With David Letterman, The Book (Villard)
Doctor, Doctor
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
Funny Quote
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Helen Rowland
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Unknown
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
Rodney Dangerfield
When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Helen Rowland
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Unknown
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner
Love Quotes
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonnette
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henry Youngman
It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
Laurence J. Peter
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Unknown
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
John Barrymore
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
Mistinguette
Absence -- that common cure of love.
Miguel De Cervantes
David Bissonnette
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henry Youngman
It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
Laurence J. Peter
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Unknown
If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin
Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
John Barrymore
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
Mistinguette
Absence -- that common cure of love.
Miguel De Cervantes
Life Quotes
To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
Janet Coleman
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Andy Rooney
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
Joey Adams
Janet Coleman
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Andy Rooney
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
Joey Adams
Children Quotes
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Clarence Darrow
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Bill Maher
To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
Ernest Hemingway
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
Quentin Crisp
There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Benjamin Spock
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
Nancy Mitford
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
Clarence Darrow
Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Bill Maher
To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
Ernest Hemingway
The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
Quentin Crisp
There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Benjamin Spock
I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
Nancy Mitford
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
Funny Quote
Age Quotes
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
Mike Tyson
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
Mike Tyson
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
20 Funny Questions
Why do we press harder on a remote control
when we know the batteries
are getting weak?
Why does someone believe you when you say
there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest,
but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word
"lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there
still apes?
Does a clean house indicate that there is a
broken computer in it?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on
sale?
Why do people constantly return to the
refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a
dozen times with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine
it, then put it down to
give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from
the end you first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those closed
light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch
something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock
something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as
warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you
try doing it like your wife
told you to do it?
And obviously if at first you don't succeed,
then don't take up sky diving!
If a "Fool" and his money are soon parted,
where did the "Fool" get the money in the first place?
Funny Questions Humor Questions
I changed the last question slightly, but I haven't changed
any of the following. I'm just going to answer them:
Question: If you were at a friend's house for Thanksgiving
dinner and you found a dead cockroach in your salad, what
would you do?
Answer: I'd do the only ethical and moral thing: pick
up the cockroach discreetly and toss it onto my friend's
plate. That way, I won't embarrass my friend and I'd also be
doing what all religions teach us to do: share.
Q: If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly,
would you change anything about the way you are now living?
A: Yes, I would give up exercise, eat more junk food and
smoke five packs a day. I might even cheat on my wife,
knowing that I won't die for another year.
Q: What do you most strive for in your life: accomplishment,
security, love, power, excitement, knowledge or something
else?
A: I used to strive for many things, but now that I have two
young children, I strive for only two things: peace and
quiet.
Q: If you had to spend the next two years inside a small but
fully provisioned Antarctic shelter with one other person,
whom would you like to have with you?
A: Halle Berry, of course. I would have picked my wife, but
I don't want to be selfish: Who would take care of our
children?
Q: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to
communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not
having told someone?
A: I would regret not having told my wife and children that
I truly love and appreciate my car and they'd better not
touch it.
Q: For $20,000 would you go for three months without
washing, brushing your teeth or using deodorant?
A: Yes, I would. But how much are you going to pay the
neighbors?
Q: Would you be willing to give up sex for one year if you
knew it would give you a much deeper sense of peace than you
have now?
A: No, but I'd be willing to give up peace for a year.
Q: Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire.
After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to
safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it
be?
A: That's easy: my Indian passport. If there's anything
worse than watching your house on fire, it's spending a day
at the Indian embassy. A friend of mine walked in with a
full head of hair and walked out with a bald spot. I really
felt bad for her.
Q: If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you chose,
would you?
A: I can't think of any particular person I'd want to hurt.
But I'd definitely take the doll with me the next time I go
to the embassy.
any of the following. I'm just going to answer them:
Question: If you were at a friend's house for Thanksgiving
dinner and you found a dead cockroach in your salad, what
would you do?
Answer: I'd do the only ethical and moral thing: pick
up the cockroach discreetly and toss it onto my friend's
plate. That way, I won't embarrass my friend and I'd also be
doing what all religions teach us to do: share.
Q: If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly,
would you change anything about the way you are now living?
A: Yes, I would give up exercise, eat more junk food and
smoke five packs a day. I might even cheat on my wife,
knowing that I won't die for another year.
Q: What do you most strive for in your life: accomplishment,
security, love, power, excitement, knowledge or something
else?
A: I used to strive for many things, but now that I have two
young children, I strive for only two things: peace and
quiet.
Q: If you had to spend the next two years inside a small but
fully provisioned Antarctic shelter with one other person,
whom would you like to have with you?
A: Halle Berry, of course. I would have picked my wife, but
I don't want to be selfish: Who would take care of our
children?
Q: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to
communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not
having told someone?
A: I would regret not having told my wife and children that
I truly love and appreciate my car and they'd better not
touch it.
Q: For $20,000 would you go for three months without
washing, brushing your teeth or using deodorant?
A: Yes, I would. But how much are you going to pay the
neighbors?
Q: Would you be willing to give up sex for one year if you
knew it would give you a much deeper sense of peace than you
have now?
A: No, but I'd be willing to give up peace for a year.
Q: Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire.
After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to
safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it
be?
A: That's easy: my Indian passport. If there's anything
worse than watching your house on fire, it's spending a day
at the Indian embassy. A friend of mine walked in with a
full head of hair and walked out with a bald spot. I really
felt bad for her.
Q: If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you chose,
would you?
A: I can't think of any particular person I'd want to hurt.
But I'd definitely take the doll with me the next time I go
to the embassy.
Funny Questions
Why are there seeds in seedless watermelons?
Why are there more overweight (fat) people in the world
than starving people?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Isn't it sour already?
How many hours a year do we lose trying to get to an actual live human being on the phone
when we have a problem that the computer/answering system can’t solve.
Why is milk a necessary ingredient to make instant potatoes?
Is milk removed when potatoes are dehydrated?
How does one milk a potato?
Should a person with a beard wash it with soap or just use shampoo?
Should someone invent beard shampoo?
If vampires don't breath, how can they talk?
If the laws of attraction really work, why do most of the gamblers who play in Vegas lose?
They all really think the're going to win, don't they?
If psychics can really see the future, why don't they all come to Vegas and get rich gambling?
When people say that the world is getting smaller, do they mean the cans, boxes and other containers
of things we buy get smaller while the price stays the same (or sometimes increases)?
Who wants 2.4 servings of something anyway?
Why are there more overweight (fat) people in the world
than starving people?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Isn't it sour already?
How many hours a year do we lose trying to get to an actual live human being on the phone
when we have a problem that the computer/answering system can’t solve.
Why is milk a necessary ingredient to make instant potatoes?
Is milk removed when potatoes are dehydrated?
How does one milk a potato?
Should a person with a beard wash it with soap or just use shampoo?
Should someone invent beard shampoo?
If vampires don't breath, how can they talk?
If the laws of attraction really work, why do most of the gamblers who play in Vegas lose?
They all really think the're going to win, don't they?
If psychics can really see the future, why don't they all come to Vegas and get rich gambling?
When people say that the world is getting smaller, do they mean the cans, boxes and other containers
of things we buy get smaller while the price stays the same (or sometimes increases)?
Who wants 2.4 servings of something anyway?
Stupid Questions
Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it
actually turns on?
If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called
a bullshit?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it
runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains
neither grapes, nor nuts?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there
a song about him?
Why is it called a "drive through" if you
have to stop?
Why does mineral water that has "trickled through
mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?
Why are Softballs hard?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews,
credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio
out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the
bathroom is?
Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you
plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.
Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're both dogs!
Can blind people see their dreams?
Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at
least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving
a dump?
Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty
is an egg?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained
to the counter?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come
from morons?
Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out
of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?
How come you press harder on a remote control when you
know the battery is dead?
If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green
or a lemon called a yellow?
If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread
always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered
bread on top of a cat?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still
#2?
What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?
Where's the egg in an egg roll?
Why aren't blue berries blue?
Where is the lead in a lead pencil?
Why is Greenland called green when it is covered in
ice?
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Bar Joke
| Extremely Drunk | |
| A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again." |
Bar Joke-5 Stages of Being Drunk
| 5 Stages of Being Drunk | |
| Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART. Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world. Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway! Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know allthe words. |
Bar Joke-$1000 Competition
| $1000 Competition | |
| The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS." |
Bar Joke-Alcoholic Side Effects
| Alcoholic Side Effects | |
| The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear". WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy. |
Bar Joke-All You Can Drink
| All You Can Drink | |
| A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?" "Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home." |
Bar Joke-A Round For The House
| A Round For The House | |
| A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street. The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill." In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink." |
Bar Joke-What You Got
| What You Got | |
| A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this drinking. "You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar." |
Bar Joke-Beer Festival
| Beer Festival | |
| After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers, a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" The Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I." |
Bar Joke-Deaf Men in a Bar
| Deaf Men in a Bar | |
| A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them. When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great. A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar. The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!" |
Bar Joke-Best Reasons to Allow Drinking on the Job
| Best Reasons to Allow Drinking on the Job | |
| 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable. |
Bar Joke-Deadbeat in a Bar
| Deadbeat in a Bar | |
| A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said "No thanks, I don't drink, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!" So the bartender said, "Well would you like a cigarette," but the man said "No, I don't smoke, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!" The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said "No I don't like pool, I tried it once but I didn`t like it." "As a matter of fact I wouldn`t be here at all, but I'm waiting on my son!" The bartender said, "Your only son I presume!!" |
Bar Joke-Evils of Liquor
| Evils of Liquor | |
| A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the professor as he put the first worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!" |
Bar Joke-Finding The Car
| Finding The Car | |
| A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out ofthe bar and stops the guy. 'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk. 'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies. 'So how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager. 'Well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'. |
Bar Joke-Stages of Drunkeness
| Stages of Drunkeness | |
| 0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet. 1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being. 2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse. 3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers. 4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one. 5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems. 6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass. 7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela. 8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up. 9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign. 10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound. 11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out. 12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again. |
Bar Joke-Pirate's Misfortunes
| Pirate's Misfortunes | |
| A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?" The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?" "No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?" The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!" |
Bar Joke-State Of The Art Watch
| State Of The Art Watch | |
| A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. "What's it telling you now?" she asked. "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said. The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast." |
Bar Joke-Spent Paycheck
| Spent Paycheck | |
| Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope? Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house. Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480? Man: Eight rounds of drinks. |
Bar Joke-Sotally Tober
| Sotally Tober | |
| Starkle starkle little twink who the hell you are I think I'm not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol I'm just a little slort of sheep I'm not drunk like tinkle peep I don't know who is me yet but the drunker I stand here the longer I get Just give me one more drink to fill me cup 'cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up. |
Bar Joke-Signs That You are Too Drunk
| Signs That You are Too Drunk | |
| You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream. Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not! Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem! You can focus better with one eye closed. The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar. You fall off the floor.. Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops. Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..' Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in.. You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. I'm as sober as a judge. The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night. |
Bar Joke-Presents for the Wife
| Presents for the Wife | |
| Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks. After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her." After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her." The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself." |
Bar Joke-Speech Impediment
| Speech Impediment | |
| Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?" "Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away." "Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?" "It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy. "What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow. "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!" "Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!" |
Bar Joke-Speech Impediment
| Speech Impediment | |
| Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?" "Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away." "Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?" "It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy. "What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow. "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!" "Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!" |
Bar Joke-I Thought You Were My Wife
| I Thought You Were My Wife | |
| A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her." |
Bar Joke-Selling the Wife
| Selling the Wife | |
| A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened. "I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort." "That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?" "Right!" said the drunk, still crying. "You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?" "Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!" |
Bar Joke-The Buffalo Theory
| The Buffalo Theory | |
| The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer.. A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you! |
Bar Joke-Proud Texan Father
| Proud Texan Father | |
| A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds. Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?" "Yup, shore am!" "How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "Ten pounds." The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds." The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!" |
Bar Joke-Vampires in a Bar
| Vampires in a Bar | |
| It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please." The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume." "No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please." "Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away. "Thanks," he says, and leaves. An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please." "Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'. An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..." "I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?" "Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please." "Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?" Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid. "Tea time." |
Bar Joke-A Chick With Long Legs
| A Chick With Long Legs | |
| A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there." "That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. "That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs." |
Bar Joke-Glad to be drunk
| Glad to be drunk | |
| A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk." Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled." |
Funny Quote-Writers Quotes
| Writers Quotes | |
| The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense. Tom Clancy I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it. William Faulkner I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87. Steve Martin I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know. Mel Brooks It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. Robert Benchley A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction. William Faulkner The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps. Robert Benchley |
Funny Quote-Work quotes
| Work quotes | |
| The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work. Robert Frost The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse Dennis Miller Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? Edgar Bergen Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished. Leslie Nielsen The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job. Slappy White I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'. Robert Paul It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. Muhammad Ali A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error. Dennis Miller I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. Jerome K Jerome |
Funny Quote-Women Quotes
| Women Quotes | |
| Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Charlotte Whitton Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone. Lenny Bruce I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine. Mel Gibson I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against. David Niven One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money. Edgar Watson Howe Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both. Samuel Butler |
Funny Quote-Wisdom Quotes
| Wisdom Quotes | |
| Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. Mae West Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. Jimi Hendrix The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with. Marty Feldman How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars. Steve Martin If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it. W.C. Fields Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them. Samuel Palmer |
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