☻Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
☻I'm bigger and better than the Titanic ... only 200 woman went down on the Titanic
☻I'm good at math, U+I=69
☻I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I'm allergic to sex.
☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
☻Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.
☻Please help the homeless. Take me home with you...
☻Wanna come and see my Hard Drive? Babe, I promise you it ain't 3.5 inches and it sure ain't floppy.
☻What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?
☻Will you be my Xmas cracker? I'd really like to pull you.
☻Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?
☻You are a 9.999. Well, you'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.
☻You're good at mathematics, right? Would you say 69 was a perfect square?
☻Your Daddy must have been a Baker, cos you got the nicest set of buns I've ever saw.
☻Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
☻Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
☻Baicarumba...are those real?
☻Be unique and different, just say yes.
☻Can I flirt with you?
☻Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.
☻Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.
☻Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
☻Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
☻Greetings and salivations
☻Honey, I'm new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.
☻I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!
☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
☻I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.
☻If you don't wanna have kids with me, then why don't we just practice?
☻Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
☻That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.
☻Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.
☻Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.
☻I know a great way to burn off the calories in that cake you just ate.
☻I wonder what our children will look like.
☻I'm wearing Revlon colourstay lipstick. Wanna help me test the claim it won't kiss off?
☻If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.
☻If you were a car, I'd wax and ride you all over town.
☻If you were a laser, you'd be set on "stunning".
☻It must be cold in here - or are you just happy to see me?
☻Since sex is a killer, would ya like to die happy?
☻That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
☻The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
☻There gotta be a keg in your pants, coz I wanna tap that ass.
☻There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.
☻Was your Father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?
☻You're so hot, your ass is on fire.
☻Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend?
☻I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.
☻Grab yer bag Doll...you've just pulled...
☻I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest lady on earth tonight.
☻If beauty were an hour, you'd be a second.
☻There's just one thing your eyes haven't told me yet....you're name.
☻Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
☻What time do you have to be back in heaven?
☻Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
☻You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
☻You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed by you until I'm 20.
☻You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
☻You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar raise!
☻You're like milk, I just wanna make you part of my complete breakfast.
☻Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
☻Do you have a map? Cos Honey, I just keep gettin lost in your eyes.
☻Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?
☻Girl, you gotta be tired coz you been runnin through my mind all day.
☻Got two nipples for a dime?
☻Help, somethings wrong with my eyes - I just can't take them off you.
☻Hey baby, you must be a light switch, coz every time I see you, you turn me on!
☻Hi, I'm the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?
☻I think I feel like Richard Gere - I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.
☻I'm sick. My medicine is to talk to you.
☻Was you Father an Alien? Cos honey on planet earth there's nothing else like you!
☻You're eyes are bluer than the atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
☻You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!
☻You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
☻Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!
☻Do you want to see something swell?
☻Do you work for UPS / ParcelForce? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.
☻Have I seen you before? Oh, yeah, I remember - it was in the dictionary under the word FANBLEEDINGTASTIC!
☻Hey I'm looking for treasure, Can I look around your chest?
☻Hi, will you help me find my lost puppy? I think he went into this cheap hotel room across the street.
☻Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus.
☻I have 4 words for you "Hol I Day Inn".
☻If I flip a coin, what do you reckon my chances are of getting head?
☻If you think Chewbacca is hairy, wait till you see my Wookie.
☻Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are as hot as hell.
☻Screw me if I'm wrong, but I could swear you were Julia Roberts.
☻The word of the day is "legs." Let's say we head back to your place and spread the word.
☻You've been a bad, bad girl (boy). Now go to my room!
☻Your Daddy must play the trumpet, cos he sure made me horny!
☻Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?
☻Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
☻I bet you $40 you're gonna turn me down.
☻I know that Milk does the body good, but wow, how much you been drinking?
☻I'd like to name a multiple orgasm after you.
☻I'm betting that you cannot wait until tomorrow, because I bet that you get more and more beautiful every day.
☻Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
☻Seriously honey, sex is like Pizza. Even if it bad, it still pretty darn good.
☻When I'm older, I'll look back at all of my crowning memories, and think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you.
☻Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
☻You be the Dairy Queen and I'll be your Burger King: if you treat me right I'll do it your way
☻You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case.
☻You know the Power company is looking for you coz you're so electrifying.
☻You know, I ain't this tall. I'm just sitting on my wallet.
☻You're like a Pringle. Once I pop ya, I just can't stop ya
☻As you walk by, turn around and say: Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? No. Damn!
☻I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
☻Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.
☻Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?
☻Do you have any Irish in you? (if no…) Would you like some? (if yes…) Want some more?
☻Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?
☻Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?
☻Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow-job? [No!] Do you want to do lunch?
☻Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.
☻Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?
☻I'm a frog but if u kiss me I'll turn into a prince
☻Excuse me, I am about to go home to masturbate and needed a name to go with the face.
☻Excuse me, I'm looking for a friend...do you want to be my friend?
☻For a fat chick, you sure have small tits.
☻Gee, for a fat girl you sure don't sweat much.
☻Go up to a girl, ask her: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" She says no. Then wink.
☻Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.
☻Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long, and think it's time to see if I'm right.
☻Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it, and say, "Now that I've broken the ice, lets talk"
☻Nice dress, it'd look good on my bedroom floor
☻Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "Cause they're mine sweetheart."
☻I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated.
☻I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?
☻I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you are!
☻If a women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You should answer: "Yeah! Do you have the energy?"
☻The only thing that matters is that we're together.
☻I'msorry, were you talking to me? Her: No. Well then, please start. .
☻Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
☻Is you father a lumberjack Because when ever I look at you, I get wood in my pants.
☻I've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your G-spot.
☻Hey...somebody farted. Let's get out of here.
☻Say, did we go to different schools together?
☻The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
☻There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
☻Wait until the end of the evening when everything is real hazy and alcohol soaked, walk up to someone you've never met and say, "Come on, we're leaving."
☻You see my friend over there? He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
☻You know, you're very easy on the eyes...and very hard on my erection.
☻Want to come into the garden see my big juicy tomatoes?
☻Want to come into the garden see my big hard cucumbers?
☻You are so beautiful that I would crawl ten miles on my hands and knees through broken glass just to jerk off in your shadow.
☻Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
☻Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
☻I'm bigger and better than the Titanic ... only 200 woman went down on the Titanic
☻I'm good at maths, U+I=69
☻I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I'm allergic to sex.
☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK
☻Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.
☻Please help the homeless. Take me home with you...
☻Wanna come and see my Hard Drive? Babe, I promise you it ain't 3.5 inches and it sure ain't floppy.
☻What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?
☻Will you be my Xmas cracker? I'd really like to pull you.
☻Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?
☻You are a 9.999. Well, you'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.
☻You're good at mathematics, right? Would you say 69 was a perfect square?
☻Your Daddy must have been a Baker, cos you got the nicest set of buns I've ever saw.
☻Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend?
☻I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.
☻Grab yer bag Doll...you've just pulled...
☻I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest lady on earth tonight.
☻If beauty were an hour, you'd be a second.
☻There's just one thing your eyes haven't told me yet....you're name.
☻Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
☻What time do you have to be back in heaven?
☻Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?
☻You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.
☻You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed by you until I'm 20.
☻You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
☻You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar raise!
☻You're like milk, I just wanna make you part of my complete breakfast
☻Be unique and different, say yes.
☻Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
☻Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
☻Hi. Are you cute?
☻I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a little.
☻I'm easy. Are you?
☻I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
☻I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I'm allergic to sex.
☻Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
☻So....How am I doin'?
☻Do you have a boyfriend? No. Want one?
☻I think about you when I masturbate.
☻Are we related? Do you want to be?
☻Can you say constantinople backwards? Me neither, but I just wanted to ask.
☻Can you spell ICUP. I-C-U-P. You saw me pee.
☻Do you know how to use a whip?
☻Excuse me, do you live around here often?
☻Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a name to go with the face.
☻Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
☻Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?
☻Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.
☻Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "'Cause they're mine sweetheart."
☻I am very, very lonely, and I was wonderin'...
☻I know a great way to burn off the calories in that pastry you just ate.
☻I'm not trying anything, I always put my hands there.
☻I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
☻If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater.
☻Like the look of your crotch.
☻Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
☻Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.
☻Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.
☻Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.
☻Of course there's lots of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd love to catch and mount back at my place.
☻Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
☻How was Heaven when you left it?
☻You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
☻Honey, you give new meaning to the defintion of 'edible'.
☻I think I can die happy now, coz I've just seen a piece of heaven.
☻You must be going to hell, because it is a sin to look that good.
☻You should be someone's wife.
☻Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
☻You've made me so nervous that I've totally forgotten forgotten my standard pick-up line.
☻Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
☻Is your name Gillette? ...coz you're the best a man can get.
☻If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
☻It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
Showing posts with label Funny SMS Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny SMS Jokes. Show all posts
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Play SMS
☻Im not under d affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep.Im not half as thunk as u drink.I fool so feelish and da drunker i stand here da longer i get
☻Last night i wanted to send u a msg, but all i could write was: "noh ss!w !". it didn't make much sense until i read it upside down...
☻MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist HIS-terectomy EVER NOTICED HOW WOMENS PROBLEMS START WITH MEN??
☻Pls remind me 2 remind u about remindin me to send u dis reminder oh dat reminds me can u remind me wot the reminder was ive forgot!
☻Piss the taking is someone that realise u this like times at its! NOW READ IT BACKWARDS!!
☻Hello!Im a little alien called Ted.I have taken the form of a mobile phone- your phone.And during this message I have been having sex with your thumb!
☻This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat idiot cat buzy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat! NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!
☻A)Ur Attractive B)Ur Buff C)Ur Charmin D)Ur Delicious E)Ur Excitin F)Ur Funny G)Ur Gorgeous H)Ur Heavenly I)Im J)Just K)Kiddin L)Loser!
☻HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press down* HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press up*
☻Wot letters r missin in H__RT? EA or U? Pick EA & u get a heart!if u pick U,u will get hurt! I'd pick U coz it's better to get hurt than have a heart without U!
☻if u notice this notice you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing!!!
☻I have the "I".I have the "L".I have the "O".I have the "V".I have the "E"... so pls
☻Last night i wanted to send u a msg, but all i could write was: "noh ss!w !". it didn't make much sense until i read it upside down...
☻MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist HIS-terectomy EVER NOTICED HOW WOMENS PROBLEMS START WITH MEN??
☻Pls remind me 2 remind u about remindin me to send u dis reminder oh dat reminds me can u remind me wot the reminder was ive forgot!
☻Piss the taking is someone that realise u this like times at its! NOW READ IT BACKWARDS!!
☻Hello!Im a little alien called Ted.I have taken the form of a mobile phone- your phone.And during this message I have been having sex with your thumb!
☻This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat idiot cat buzy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat! NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!
☻A)Ur Attractive B)Ur Buff C)Ur Charmin D)Ur Delicious E)Ur Excitin F)Ur Funny G)Ur Gorgeous H)Ur Heavenly I)Im J)Just K)Kiddin L)Loser!
☻HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press down* HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press up*
☻Wot letters r missin in H__RT? EA or U? Pick EA & u get a heart!if u pick U,u will get hurt! I'd pick U coz it's better to get hurt than have a heart without U!
☻if u notice this notice you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing!!!
☻I have the "I".I have the "L".I have the "O".I have the "V".I have the "E"... so pls
Funny Phrases
☻As much use as a one legged man at an arse kicking competition
☻She's angrier than a Bear with a sore head
☻She's dressed up like a Dogs dinner
☻About as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican.
☻He's that useless he couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery
☻She's been up and down more times than a whore's drawers
☻She's been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard!
☻He's tighter than a photo finish.
☻He's sweating more than a Dog in a restaraunt
☻He's got a head balder than a baby's arse.
☻He's got the dress sense of an Oxfam model.
☻He's got a nose like a blind carpenter's thumb.
☻Last time I saw a face like that it was hanging at the Hunter's Lodge.
☻As much use as a trap door on a lifeboat
☻It's colder than a penguin's bollocks
☻She's got a face like a picture - it needs hanging
☻You've got about as much chance as finding a vegetarian pit bull terrier
☻She's had more pricks than a second hand dartboard
☻As rare as a Blonde virgin
☻I've seen more hair on a billiard ball
☻He's as camp as a row of tents
☻I've seen better teeth on a worn out gear box
☻They call her 'The radio station' cuz she's so easy to pick up
☻As useful as a grave robber in a crematorium
☻You could park a bike on that bum
☻He's as red as an overdrawn account at the local blood bank
☻He's got a face as long as an undertakers tapemeasure
☻Whiter than a pair of Snow White's knickers
☻About as innocent as a Nun doing pressups in a Cucumber field.
☻They've got a picture of her at the hospital - it saves using the stomach pump
☻She's angrier than a Bear with a sore head
☻She's dressed up like a Dogs dinner
☻About as useful as a Condom vending machine in the Vatican.
☻He's that useless he couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery
☻She's been up and down more times than a whore's drawers
☻She's been engaged more times than a telephone switchboard!
☻He's tighter than a photo finish.
☻He's sweating more than a Dog in a restaraunt
☻He's got a head balder than a baby's arse.
☻He's got the dress sense of an Oxfam model.
☻He's got a nose like a blind carpenter's thumb.
☻Last time I saw a face like that it was hanging at the Hunter's Lodge.
☻As much use as a trap door on a lifeboat
☻It's colder than a penguin's bollocks
☻She's got a face like a picture - it needs hanging
☻You've got about as much chance as finding a vegetarian pit bull terrier
☻She's had more pricks than a second hand dartboard
☻As rare as a Blonde virgin
☻I've seen more hair on a billiard ball
☻He's as camp as a row of tents
☻I've seen better teeth on a worn out gear box
☻They call her 'The radio station' cuz she's so easy to pick up
☻As useful as a grave robber in a crematorium
☻You could park a bike on that bum
☻He's as red as an overdrawn account at the local blood bank
☻He's got a face as long as an undertakers tapemeasure
☻Whiter than a pair of Snow White's knickers
☻About as innocent as a Nun doing pressups in a Cucumber field.
☻They've got a picture of her at the hospital - it saves using the stomach pump
Funny Saying
☻Lights on, door open, nobody at home
☻As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.
☻He's as bent as a butchers hook
☻He's as happy as a Pig in $hit
☻About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box
☻About as subtle as a flying brick
☻She's got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum
☻She's more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs
☻As tight as a Camels arse in a Sand-storm
☻She's stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.
☻About as interesting as watching paint dry
☻Av seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard
☻I've seen better hands on a clock
☻As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market
☻He's as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day
☻She's got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits
☻As nervous as a turkey at Christmas
☻She's seen more ceilings than Michelagelo
☻She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel
☻She's as fit as a butchers dog
☻She's got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag
☻As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse
☻His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender
☻Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.
☻As rare as a brass monkey's bollocks
☻As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner
☻This guy is all foam, no beer.
☻As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
☻About as useless as a jam sandwidch to a drowning rabbit.
☻A legend in his own mind...
☻He's an expert on padded cells.
☻He couldnae engineer his way outta paper bag!
☻As confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar.
☻He's as bent as a butchers hook
☻He's as happy as a Pig in $hit
☻About as welcome as a fart in a telephone box
☻About as subtle as a flying brick
☻She's got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum
☻She's more nervous than a long-tailed dog in a room full of rocking chairs
☻As tight as a Camels arse in a Sand-storm
☻She's stroked more wood than a Furniture Polisher.
☻About as interesting as watching paint dry
☻Av seen better looking bodies at a scrapyard
☻I've seen better hands on a clock
☻As confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market
☻He's as baffled as Adam on Mothers Day
☻She's got half the Black Forest hanging out of her armpits
☻As nervous as a turkey at Christmas
☻She's seen more ceilings than Michelagelo
☻She ran off quicker than shit off a shovel
☻She's as fit as a butchers dog
☻She's got a face squeezed like a squeezed tea bag
☻As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse
☻His nose is snottier than a frog in a blender
☻Uglier than a hatfull of assholes.
☻As rare as a brass monkey's bollocks
☻As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner
☻This guy is all foam, no beer.
☻As worn out as a cucumber in a convent.
☻About as useless as a jam sandwidch to a drowning rabbit.
☻A legend in his own mind...
☻He's an expert on padded cells.
☻He couldnae engineer his way outta paper bag!
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Funny Jokes
☻We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searching...still searching....sorry,NO BRAIN found...!
☻I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING
☻All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.
☻If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
☻When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
☻Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!
☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.
☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.
☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
☻Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…
☻Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......
☻My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...
☻Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?
☻I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
☻Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…
☻If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…
☻Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!
☻Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............
☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
☻It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
☻I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
☻Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!
☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors
☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
☻For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
☻Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.
☻Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!
☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!
☻What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.
☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?
A: An f****ing know it all.
☻ A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
☻ Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
☻ I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
☻ Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.
☻ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
☻I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
☻ It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
☻ I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
☻ Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
☻ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
☻ I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
☻ My Reality Check bounced.
☻ Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
☻ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
☻ Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
☻Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
☻Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
☻There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
☻Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
☻As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
☻Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
☻What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.
☻What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant
☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
☻A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
☻Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any. 1
☻What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.
☻What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
☻A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
☻Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
☻How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.
☻Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
☻If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?
☻Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
☻If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
☻Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.
☻I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
☻I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.
☻Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.
☻A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!
☻Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
☻A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
☻A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
☻A dyslexic man walks into a bra
☻A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
☻A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
☻Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
☻I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
☻Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
☻I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
☻Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
☻What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!
☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!
☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors
☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
☻What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
A man who's too drunk to follow orders.
☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
☻For sale : Air Bags, Used once.
☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
☻What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.
☻What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!
☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!
What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.
☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?
A: An fucking know it all.
☻A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
☻Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
☻Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
☻Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.
☻What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
☻Q: How did the Pollack burn his face?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
☻Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?
A: One has a real live culture.
☻Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag?
A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in?
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by?
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight?
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma's gone?
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked - that's why I knocked.
☻friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx
☻(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!
☻He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!
☻Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!
☻Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!
☻T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network
☻I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!
☻I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEST. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING
☻All the love that history knows is said to be in every rose!Yet all the love that could be found in two, is less than what I feel for you.
☻If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
☻When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
☻Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
☻Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
☻Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
☻I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
☻Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
☻Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
☻First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering.
☻Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
☻Dad, what vagina looks like? Before sex: a pink rose with soft lovely pelats and perfum aroma. And after sex? boy, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise!
☻Kiss my ass, and do it fast,suck my dick and do it quick.
☻Bad sex is better then a good day in school.
☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
☻Sex is like programing; One mistake, and YOU WILL HAVE TO SUPPORT IT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE…
☻Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams......
☻My girl and me, we are so perfect, she loves me, and I love myself too...
☻Hi, do you want to have my children? No.?? ...Okay, then can we just practice?
☻I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
☻Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole…
☻If you wanna be a hipi, put you flower in your pipi…
☻Don`t drink water, because fish fuck in it!
☻Hi! Please stand by while this program enlarges your penis...........................ERROR: Your penis was not found! Sorry..............
☻Never let a man's mind wander, it's too little to be out on it's own!!!!
☻It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.
☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
☻I want to suck you... lick you... wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
☻Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!
☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One screwd the miners, the other screwed Majors
☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
☻For sale : Twin beds, one hardly used.
☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
☻Whats the definitoin of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.
☻Whits pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!
☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!
☻What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.
☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?
A: An f****ing know it all.
☻ A chicken sandwidch walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
☻ Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
☻ I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
☻ Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.
☻ What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
☻I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
☻ It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
☻ I wonder if you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
☻ Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
☻ You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
☻ I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
☻ My Reality Check bounced.
☻ Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.
☻ Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will whiz on your computer.
☻ Lightyears ahead! Just a phonecall away!
☻Very funny Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
☻Do chickens think rubber humans are funny?
☻There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
☻Borrow money from pessimists--they don't expect it back
☻As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing
☻Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
☻What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.
☻What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant
☻Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
☻A: Run like hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
☻Why don't men often show their true feelings?
- Because they don't have any. 1
☻What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
- E.T. phoned home.
☻What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
☻A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
☻Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
☻How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing.
☻Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
☻If you jogged backward ... would you gain weight?
☻Did you hear about the new Chinese Cookbook being sold only at pet stores?
"101 Ways to Wok Your Dog"
☻If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?
☻Did you ever walk into a room and and forget why you walked in? that's how dogs spend their lives.
☻I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain. No pain.
☻I only use de-oudourant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.
☻Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.
☻A woman walked into a fancy cocktail bar and asked the barman for a "double entendre" - so he gave her one!
☻Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
☻A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
☻A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
☻A dyslexic man walks into a bra
☻A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
☻A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
☻Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
☻I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
☻Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
☻News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message
☻God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
☻The longest sentence known to man: "I do."
☻CNN News. Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this
☻Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
☻This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
☻Why were males created before females?
Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.
☻I want to suck you.. lick you.. wanna move my tongue all over you...wanna feel you in my mouth...yep, tat's how u...eat an ice cream!
☻ALGEBRA: A weapon of math destruction.
☻Don't spend £2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morn buy it back for 50p.
☻Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
☻Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
☻Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
☻I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...
☻There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.
☻What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How do you breathe through that thing?
☻What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap outta him.
☻I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
☻A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says:
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
☻Boss: (to employee) - Experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of down-sizing, Knock, Knock.
Employee: Who's there?
Boss: Not you anymore.
☻What's the diff between a Rottwieler and a Poodle?
If Rotty starts humping your leg, let it finish.
☻Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.
☻Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"
☻What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!
☻The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
☻Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
☻WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!
☻What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?
The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.
☻Why was Phillip's girlfriend annoyed?
Coz she found out that Phillips 24 inch was a TV.
☻What do Germans use for birth control?
Their personalities!
☻Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?
He was looking for Pooh!
☻What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!
☻What's the difference between Margaret Thatcher and Edwina Currie?
One fucked the miners, the other fucked the Majors
☻Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
☻Jesus saves, he shoots, HE SCORES!!
☻Any woman that thinks the way to a mans heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.
☻I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.
☻What do you get if you cross an Irishman with a German?
A man who's too drunk to follow orders.
☻I like Kids. But I don't think I could eat a whole one.
☻How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?
Only one. To slam the car boot shut.
☻For sale : Air Bags, Used once.
☻What do you call a Lada/Skoda at the top of a hill? A miracle.
☻What's the definition of suspicion? A nun doing pressups in a cucumber field.
☻Why doesn't Jesus eat M and M's? Cos they fall through his hands.
☻What's pink, wrinkled and hangs oot yer trousers??? Yer Gran!
☻What are 3 words you never wanna hear whilst making love? Honey, I'm home!
What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS? A bitch who knows everything.
☻How do you save a man from drowning? Take yer foot of his head.
☻Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know. Never happens.
☻Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
A: He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator.
☻Q: What do you get when you cross a computer with a whore?
A: An fucking know it all.
☻A chicken sandwich walked into the bar, ordered some food and beer. The bartender says: "Sorry, we don't serve food here".
☻Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
☻Why do farts smell? For benefit of the deaf.
☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?
☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
☻Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? Cos they heard every fourth child born is chinese.
☻What did the drummer get on his IQ test? Drool...
☻Q: How did the Pollack burn his face?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
☻Q: What's difference between Yogurt and Australia?
A: One has a real live culture.
☻Q: What's diff between Michael Jackson and grocery bag?
A: Ones white, made outta plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. The other you carry groceries in.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Who's there? Every time I knock.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry, Butch, and Jimmy.
Harry, Butch and Jimmy who?
Harry up, Butch your arms around me, and Jimmy a kiss.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive across the road.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mummy.
Mummy who?
Mummeasles are better so can I come in?
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I called by?
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
Mister last bus home.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
York.
York who?
York coming over to my place tonight?
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Isabel.
Isabel who?
Isabel broken? I had to knock.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in, it's cold out here.
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Grandma. Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad Grandma's gone?
☻Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
Doris locked - that's why I knocked.
☻friendship is like peeing in your pants. every1 can c it but only u can feel its true warmth.thank u 4 being the pee in my pants xxxx
☻(_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!
☻He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!
☻Today its cool to have small cars and small computers.Soon it will be cool to have a small penis too.then you my friend will be THE MAN!!
☻Viagra now available in eye drops, you don't get an erection but you look hard!
☻T-MOBILE regrets 2 inform u that the network has gone down on everyone except u.We regret 2 inform u that no one would go down on u.not even a network
☻I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Thanksgiving. Tuesday. Thursday. Today. Tomorrow. Thaturday. thunday.. Tevery day!
Friday, July 24, 2009
Funny SMS Jokes
A good discussion is like a MINI SKIRT. Short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject.
School Mein Ishq Ka Naya Mahool Tyar Ho Gaya, Class Ki Teacher Ko Papu Se Pyar Ho Gaya. Iss Baat Se Sari Class Ka Dil Udas Ho Gaya, Sari Class Fail, Aur..... Papu Pass Ho Gaya....
Aapke dil me basjayenge SMS ki tarah.,., Dil me bajenge RING TONE ki tarah.,., Dosti kum nahi hongi BALANCE ki tarah.,., Sirf aap busy na rehana NETWORK ki tarah.....
Suraj se achha Tara koi nahi, Jaisa hai Rishta humaraa dusraa koi nahi! Chahe saari duniyaa me dhund lo; Mere jaisa Pyaraa, aur Tere jaisa Aawaraa aur koi nahi!!
Ever wondered y v hav gaps between our fingers ..... So dat 1 day u meet someone who cums n tels u " ye le cigrette pee le"
Harbhajan ne apni Biwi se puchha, "Kya main tumhara pehla pyar hoon?" BIWI Boli, "Kar di na sardaro wali baat, SPINNER ko kabhi opening milti hai...
(your SMS Gateway For Bulk SMS Jokes)kanjoos ki zindagi kya jeena.. kabhi humari tarah bhi jiya karo.. roz mere sms padh kar sharam nahi aati.. kabhi khud bhi sms kiya karo..
A boy proposed a girl in new way:- Tu pudine ki chatni, main paneer tika. Ban ja meri RAKHI SAWANT aur mai tera MIKA . .
Apne roz humse nai umeed laga rakhi hai, apne dil me asha ki KIRAN jaga rakhi hai, hum roz kahan se naye msgs bhejen, hum ne kya sms ki factory laga rakhi hai.
Good Unerdtsanding Btewene Ecah Ohter Is Rael FierndSihp! Eevn If We Hvae So Mnay MsiUnerdsantndig Lkie Tish Msseaeg, Btu i Konw U Cna Raed WtihOtu Msitkae
Past is experience! Present is experiment! Future is expectation! Use ur experience in ur experiment 2 acheive ur expectations & enjoy life...!
Interviewer : Tell me the opposite of good.
Sardar : Bad.
Interviewer : Come.
Sardar : Go.
Interviewer : Ugly.
Sardar : Pichlli.
Interviewer : U G L Y?
Sardar : PICHLLY !!!!!!!
Interviewer : Shut Up.
Sardar : Keep Talking.
Interviewer : Get Out.
Sardar : Come In.
Interviewer : Oh my God.
Sardar : Oh my Devil.
Interviewer : U r Rejected.
Sardar : I am Selected. BALLE BALLLE
(......By Vikas)
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