Funny Questions

2009-10-04T03:35:00.000-07:00

Why doesn't McDonald's sell hotdogs?
At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
What is Satan's last name?
Why do doctors leave the room when you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
Where does the toetag go on a dead person if they don't have toes?
If your driving a federal owned car, and you run a stop sign, is it considered a felony?
Why is there a disclaimer on the Allstate Auto Insurance commericals that says "Not available in all states"?
If you dug a hole through the center of the earth,and jumped in, would you stay at the center because of gravity?
If a person dies and then springs back to life, do they get their money back for the coffin?
If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and your the main witness, what if you say "no"?
Do they bury people with their braces on?
How far east can you go before you're heading west?
How does a Real Estate company sell its office without causing confusion?
Do dentists go to other dentists or do they just do it themselves?
If, in a baseball game, the batter hits a ball splitting it right down the center with half the ball flying out of the park and the other half being caught, what is the final ruling?
If you were to get drunk in a country where the drinking limit is under 21, and went to the states and were still over the limit, could they arrest you for underage drinking even though you did not do the drinking in the states.
Why do people think that swaying their arm back and forth would change the direction of a bowling ball?
If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, then do girls with one leg work at IHOP?
Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?
Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it.
If a lesbian has sex with other women but never with another man is she still considered a virgin?
If a kid refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Is it rude for a deaf person to talk (sign) with their mouth full of food?
If its 11:30 PM Dec 31 in Texas and 12:30 AM Jan 1st in New York and you have a New York driver's license that expires Jan 2007, does that mean your license has expired?
What's the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup?
If a transvesite goes missing, would youu put their face on a carton of Half and Half?
Why is the Lone Ranger called 'Lone' if he always has his Indian friend Tonto with him?
When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?
Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
If a baby's leg pops out at 11:59PM but his head doesn't come out until 12:01, which day was he born on?
In the song Yankee Doodle, is he calling the horse or the feather "macaroni"?
Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
Can you daydream at night?
Why is it that on a phone or calculator the number five has a little dot on it?
Can crop circles be square?
If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?
Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?
When Atheists go to court, do they have to swear on the bible?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Can animals commit suicide?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
How can something be "new" and "improved"? if it's new, what was it improving on?
Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?
When two people marry, they say, "you may kiss the bride". What do they say if two MEN get married?
Why is it that when we "skate on thin ice", we can "get in hot water"?
Why do people say beans beans the magical fruit when beans are vegetables?
If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Why are the little styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
Do siamese twins pay for one ticket or two tickets when they go to movies and concerts?
Why are they called 'Jolly Ranchers'? Who said that the ranchers were jolly?
Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?
If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?
If milk goes bad if not refrigerated, does it go bad if the cow isnt refrigerated?
How fast do hotcakes sell?
Do prison buses have emergency exits?
Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?
Can a black person join the kkk?
When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
When there's two men who "get married", do they both go to the same bachelor party?
If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?
If London Bridge is standing why is there a song about it falling down?
Why is it that before 9/11 they always showed the emergency broadcast system test, and on 9/11 they never used it?
If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?
Who was Sadie Hawkins?
If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?
If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?
Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
What does PU stand for (as in "PU, that stinks!")?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol (e.g. drunk-driving) if they have eaten someone who was drunk?
What is the stage of a reptile when it has eggs in it but they haven't been laid. Are they pregnant?
If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?
If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?
Why is it called a funny bone, when if you hit it, it's not funny at all?
Do you yawn in your sleep?
Why do dogs like the smell of other dogs butts?
If a cannible was on death row could he ask for the last guy that was electricuted for his last meal?
Do Chinese people get English sayings tattooed on their bodies?
Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?
If you died with braces on would they take them off?
If someone has their nose pierced, have a cold, and take thier nose ring out. Does snot come out of the piercing hole?
How come lemon washing up liquid contains real lemons, but lemon juice contains artificial flavorings.
Do you wake up or open your eyes first?
Did Noah have woodpeckers on the ark? If he did, where did he keep them?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
How do you handcuff a one-armed man?
If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?
Why can't donuts be square?
Why put a towel in the dirty clothes basket if when you get out of the shower you are clean?
What happens to an irrisitable force when it hits an immovable object?
If there's a speed of sound and a speed of light is there a speed of smell?
Why do overalls have bel loops, since they are held up at the top by the straps?
Do people in prison celebrate halloween.... if so how?
Do the security guards at airports have to go through airport security when they get to work?
Why are all of the Harry Potter spells in Latin if they're English?
What do Greeks say when they don't understand something?
What happens if a queen gives birth to a pair of siamese twins? Who gets to be king?
Do all-boys schools have girls bathrooms? Conversely, do all-girls schools have boys bathrooms?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
How come cats butts go up when you pet them?
What would happen to the sea's water level if every boat in the World was taken out of the water at the same time?
How come you never see a billboard being put up by the highway?
Do the English people eat English muffins, or are they just called muffins?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why does Jello have a smell when you add the powder in the water, but when it "gels" the smell is gone?
Why are dogs noses always wet?
If a bee is allergic to pollen would it get the hives?
Why do people say "heads up" when you should duck?
Why is it OK for dudes to slap other dudes' asses in football, but not in any other situation?
Why does triangularly cut bread taste better than square bread?
If one man says, "it was an uphill battle," and another says, "it went downhill from there," how could they both be having troubles?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
At what point in man's evolution did he start wiping his ass?
Do bald people get Dandruff?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Why do superheros wear their underwear on the outside of their clothes?
If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Can you cry under water?
Why Does Pluto Live in a dog house, eat dog food, etc. but Goofy, who is also a dog, lives in a condo and drives a car?
If you blew a bubble in space would it pop?
Are children who use sign language allowed to talk with their mouth full?
How come all of the planets are spherical?
How did the first women ever to shave their legs know that the skin wouldn't just peel right off?
when a pregnant lady has twins, is there 1 or 2 umbilical cords?
Why doesn't Winnie the Pooh ever get stung by the bees he messes with?
Why do they put holes in crackers?
Can you still say "Put it where the sun don't shine " on a nude beach?
What do people in China call their good plates?
How come toy hippos are always blue, or purple, when real hippos are brown?
Why don't woodpeckers get headaches when they slam their head on a tree all day?
If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?
If an escalotor breaks down, does it become stairs?
Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?
Why do they say a football team is the 'world champion' when they don't play anybody outside the US?
Do stuttering people stutter when they're thinking to themselves?
If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn?
What are the handles for corn on the cob called?
Why do British people never sound British when they sing?
Why do we press the start button to turn off the computer?
Do your eyes change color when you die?
Were Mary and Joseph's surname Christ before Jesus was born?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?
If K.F.C Stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken, Why do they play sweet home Alabama on the comercials?
If people with one arm go to get their nails done, do they pay half price?
What type of animal is Snuffaluffagus?
If you had a three story house and were in the second floor, isn't it possible that you can be upstairs and downstairs at the same time?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family?
Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
Does a 'Marks-A-Lot' marker, mark any more than a regular marker?
If you really could dig a hole to China, and you did, and you fell in, would you stop in the middle because of gravity?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
What happens when you put a lightsaber in water?
On Gilligan's Island, how did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3 hour tour?
If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?
If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?
What do you call male ballerinas?
How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?
Why people are so scared of mice,which are much smaller than us, when no one seems to be scared of Micky Mouse, who is bigger than us?
Why are the numbers on a calculator and a phone reversed?
Why are plastic bears the only animal you can get honey from? Why can't you get honey from a plastic bee?
Can bald men get lice?
When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
Do butterflies remember life as a caterpillar?
If you undergo chemotherapy do you lose your pubic hairs?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Does the postman deliver his own mail?
Why does toilet bowl cleaner only come in the color blue?
What happens when you put hand sanitizer on a place other then your hand?
Why are women and men's shoe sizes different?
Can you "stare off into space" when you're in space?
Where do people in Hell tell other people to go?
Is "vice-versa" to a dyslexic just plain redundant?
How come you can kill a deer and put it up on your wall. but it's illegal to keep one as a pet?
Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?
If prunes are dehydrated plums, where does prune juice come from?
Is it appropriate to say "good mourning" at a funeral?
If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?
When you're caught "between a rock and a hard place", is the rock not hard?
Was Jesus a virgin when he died?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?
Who coined the phrase, 'coined the phrase?'
If there were a thousand seaguls in an airplane while its flying, each weighing two pounds a piece, but they were all flying in the airplane, would the airplane weigh 2000 pounds more?
If you soak a raisin in water, does it turn back into a grape?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do they call steam rollers, steam rollers? They don't produce, get rid of, or have anythong to do with steam
What is another word for "thesaurus"?

funniest jokes The Usual Suspects

2009-09-30T15:22:00.001-07:00

Two nuns, a penguin, a man with a parrot on his shoulder and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

The nurse said to the doctor, "There's an invisible man in the waiting room." The doctor replied, "Tell him I can't see him now."

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.

I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets."

Do you know about the two TV antennas that got married? The wedding was terrible, but the reception was terrific.

Do you know what you get when you play a country song backward? You get your job back, you get your house back, your wife back, your truck back ...

funniest jokes Good Question

2009-09-30T15:21:00.002-07:00

Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars!
"This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"
Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."
The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.
"Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"

Blue Collar Comedy

2009-09-30T15:21:00.001-07:00

What's the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies? "Hey, y'all ... Watch this!"

Three things you'll never hear a redneck say:
The tires on that truck are too big.
I thought Graceland was tacky.
Duct tape won't fix that!

You might be a redneck if you think the last words to "The Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

A Little Perspective Goes a Long Way

2009-09-30T15:19:00.002-07:00

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No," says the bum.
The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"
Again the bum says, "No."
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

Badump-Bump

2009-09-30T15:19:00.001-07:00

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
Someone told him to get a long little doggy.

How do you keep a jackass in suspense? I'll let you know tomorrow!

Thick Walls Make Good Neighbors

2009-09-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
-- Steven Wright

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the drunk led the way to the bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that brass gong for?" asked the friend.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? How's it work?"
"Watch this," said the drunk. He took a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and waited. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "Hey, you jerk. It's 3:00 in the morning!"

Why It's Important to Listen Carefully

2009-09-30T15:17:00.001-07:00

Osama bin Laden went to heaven and was greeted by George Washington, who slapped him and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive?"
Patrick Henry then approached and punched Osama in the nose. James Madison entered and kicked him in the shin. An angry Thomas Jefferson whacked Osama over the head with a cane.
The thrashing continued as John Randolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.
Suddenly, as Osama lay writhing in unbearable pain, an angel appeared.
"This is not what you promised me," said Osama.
"Come on, Osama," the angel replied. "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven."

Swimming With Sharks

2009-09-30T15:16:00.003-07:00

What do you get when you cross a librarian and a lawyer?
All the information you want, except you can't understand it.

What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think that they're jokes.

What's Black and White and ...

2009-09-30T15:16:00.001-07:00

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?" The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"
"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

What a Card!

2009-09-30T15:15:00.001-07:00

Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Eriksson and Francisco Pizarro? They can never seem to beat the Straights of Magellan.
-- Pun American Newsletter

Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge.
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"

Next Time, Let's Stay in a Hotel

2009-09-30T15:14:00.001-07:00

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries.
"He says you're gonna die."

Man's Best Friend

2009-09-30T15:10:00.001-07:00

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.
"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers?
A: They have two left feet.

Live and Learn

2009-09-30T15:09:00.004-07:00

Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.
"Sadness," he replied.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.
"Elation," he replied.
"The opposite of woe?" the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."

Live and Learn

2009-09-30T15:09:00.003-07:00

Not Fade Away

2009-09-30T15:09:00.001-07:00

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Walt Disney didn't die. He's in suspended animation.

Fore!

2009-09-30T15:08:00.000-07:00

The 16th tee featured a fairway that ran along a road. The first golfer in a foursome teed off and hooked the ball. It soared over the fence and bounced onto the street, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and ricocheted back onto the fairway.
As they all stood in amazement, one of the golfer's friends asked, "How did you do that?"
The golfer shrugged. "You have to know the bus schedule."

Playing With Our Words

2009-09-30T15:04:00.000-07:00

My wife was in labor with our first child. Things were going pretty well when suddenly she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"
"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"
"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Happy Hour...With a Twist

2009-09-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

A bear walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer ............ and some of those peanuts."
The bartender says, "Sure, but why the big paws?"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A guy walks into a bar and there's a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, "What are you staring at? Haven't you ever seen a horse tending bar before?" The guy says, "It's not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."

Say a Little Prayer

2009-09-30T14:45:00.003-07:00

Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God's will? they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Say a Little Prayer

2009-09-30T14:45:00.001-07:00

Explosively Funny

2009-09-30T14:44:00.003-07:00

Joe and Dave are hunting when Dave keels over. Frantic, Joe dials 911 on his cell phone and blurts, "My friend just dropped dead! What should I do?"
A soothing voice at the other end says, "Don't worry, I can help. First, let's make sure he's really dead."
After a brief silence, the operator hears a shot. Then Joe comes back to the phone. "Okay," he says nervously to the operator. "What do I do next?"

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"

Who's Counting?

2009-09-30T14:44:00.001-07:00

How many Deadheads does it take to change a light bulb?
12,001. That's one to change it, 2,000 to record the event and take pictures, and 10,000 to follow it around until it burns out.

Quacking Up

2009-09-30T14:43:00.001-07:00

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for a tube of ChapStick. The cashier says to the duck, "That'll be $1.49."
The duck replies, "Put it on my bill!"

What's in a Name?

2009-09-30T14:42:00.002-07:00

A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."

Timing Is Everything

2009-09-30T14:42:00.001-07:00

A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, "You should've been here at 8:30!"
The guy replies, "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

"Martin Levine, owner of a movie theater chain in New York City, has passed away at age 65," the newspaper obit read. "The funeral will be held on Thursday at 2:10, 4:20, 6:30, 8:40 and 10:50."
-- Merrill Markoe, Late Night With David Letterman, The Book (Villard)

Doctor, Doctor

2009-09-30T14:41:00.001-07:00

Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, "As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children." St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, "As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives." St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, "I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care."
St. Peter replies, "You may enter. But," he adds, "you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."

Funny Quote

2009-09-30T14:27:00.002-07:00

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Helen Rowland

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Unknown

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

Love Quotes

2009-09-30T14:27:00.001-07:00

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonnette

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henry Youngman

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
Laurence J. Peter

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Unknown

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
John Barrymore

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
Mistinguette

Absence -- that common cure of love.
Miguel De Cervantes

Life Quotes

2009-09-30T14:26:00.001-07:00

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
Janet Coleman

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Andy Rooney

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
Joey Adams

Children Quotes

2009-09-30T14:25:00.000-07:00

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Clarence Darrow

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Bill Maher

To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
Ernest Hemingway

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
Quentin Crisp

There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Benjamin Spock

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
Nancy Mitford

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Funny Quote

2009-09-30T14:23:00.000-07:00

Age Quotes
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
Mike Tyson

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen

People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt

20 Funny Questions

2009-09-29T15:14:00.000-07:00

Why do we press harder on a remote control
when we know the batteries

are getting weak?

Why does someone believe you when you say
there are four billion stars,

but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest,
but ducks when you

throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word
"lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there
still apes?

Does a clean house indicate that there is a
broken computer in it?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on
sale?

Why do people constantly return to the
refrigerator with hopes that

something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a
dozen times with their vacuum

cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine
it, then put it down to

give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from
the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those closed
light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch
something that's falling

off the table you always manage to knock
something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as
warm as it was in summer

when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you
try doing it like your wife

told you to do it?

And obviously if at first you don't succeed,
then don't take up sky diving!

If a "Fool" and his money are soon parted,
where did the "Fool" get the money in the first place?

Funny Questions Humor Questions

2009-09-29T15:10:00.000-07:00

I changed the last question slightly, but I haven't changed

any of the following. I'm just going to answer them:

Question: If you were at a friend's house for Thanksgiving

dinner and you found a dead cockroach in your salad, what

would you do?

Answer: I'd do the only ethical and moral thing: pick

up the cockroach discreetly and toss it onto my friend's

plate. That way, I won't embarrass my friend and I'd also be

doing what all religions teach us to do: share.

Q: If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly,

would you change anything about the way you are now living?

A: Yes, I would give up exercise, eat more junk food and

smoke five packs a day. I might even cheat on my wife,

knowing that I won't die for another year.

Q: What do you most strive for in your life: accomplishment,

security, love, power, excitement, knowledge or something

else?

A: I used to strive for many things, but now that I have two

young children, I strive for only two things: peace and

quiet.

Q: If you had to spend the next two years inside a small but

fully provisioned Antarctic shelter with one other person,

whom would you like to have with you?

A: Halle Berry, of course. I would have picked my wife, but

I don't want to be selfish: Who would take care of our

children?

Q: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to

communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not

having told someone?

A: I would regret not having told my wife and children that

I truly love and appreciate my car and they'd better not

touch it.

Q: For $20,000 would you go for three months without

washing, brushing your teeth or using deodorant?

A: Yes, I would. But how much are you going to pay the

neighbors?

Q: Would you be willing to give up sex for one year if you

knew it would give you a much deeper sense of peace than you

have now?

A: No, but I'd be willing to give up peace for a year.

Q: Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire.

After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to

safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it

be?

A: That's easy: my Indian passport. If there's anything

worse than watching your house on fire, it's spending a day

at the Indian embassy. A friend of mine walked in with a

full head of hair and walked out with a bald spot. I really

felt bad for her.

Q: If you could use a voodoo doll to hurt anyone you chose,

would you?

A: I can't think of any particular person I'd want to hurt.

But I'd definitely take the doll with me the next time I go

to the embassy.

Funny Questions

2009-09-29T14:59:00.000-07:00

Why are there seeds in seedless watermelons?

Why are there more overweight (fat) people in the world

than starving people?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

Isn't it sour already?

How many hours a year do we lose trying to get to an actual live human being on the phone

when we have a problem that the computer/answering system can’t solve.

Why is milk a necessary ingredient to make instant potatoes?

Is milk removed when potatoes are dehydrated?

How does one milk a potato?

Should a person with a beard wash it with soap or just use shampoo?

Should someone invent beard shampoo?

If vampires don't breath, how can they talk?

If the laws of attraction really work, why do most of the gamblers who play in Vegas lose?

They all really think the're going to win, don't they?

If psychics can really see the future, why don't they all come to Vegas and get rich gambling?

When people say that the world is getting smaller, do they mean the cans, boxes and other containers

of things we buy get smaller while the price stays the same (or sometimes increases)?

Who wants 2.4 servings of something anyway?

Stupid Questions

2009-09-29T14:45:00.000-07:00

Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it
actually turns on?

If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called
a bullshit?

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it
runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

Why is Grape Nuts cereal called that, when it contains
neither grapes, nor nuts?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there
a song about him?

Why is it called a "drive through" if you
have to stop?

Why does mineral water that has "trickled through
mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?

Why are Softballs hard?

Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews,
credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?

If the professor on Giligan's Island can make a radio
out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the
bathroom is?

Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you
plug things into it? Shouldn't it be called an inlet.

Why do we scrub Down and wash Up?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're both dogs!

Can blind people see their dreams?

Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at
least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

Why do they call it "getting your dog fixed" if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn't it be leaving
a dump?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty
is an egg?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained
to the counter?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come
from morons?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out
of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

How come you press harder on a remote control when you
know the battery is dead?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green
or a lemon called a yellow?

If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread
always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered
bread on top of a cat?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still
#2?

What color would a smurf turn if you choked it?

Where's the egg in an egg roll?

Why aren't blue berries blue?

Where is the lead in a lead pencil?

Why is Greenland called green when it is covered in
ice?

Bar Joke

2009-08-12T11:06:00.001-07:00

Extremely Drunk

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly.

"How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

Bar Joke-5 Stages of Being Drunk

2009-08-12T11:04:00.002-07:00

5 Stages of Being Drunk

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.

You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.

At this stage you are always RIGHT.

And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.

This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.

You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.

Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.

You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.

You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.

It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.

You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.

This is because nothing can hurt you.

At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.

You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.

At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.

You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.

You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know allthe words.

Bar Joke-$1000 Competition

2009-08-12T11:04:00.001-07:00

$1000 Competition

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet"

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."

Bar Joke-Alcoholic Side Effects

2009-08-12T11:01:00.001-07:00

Alcoholic Side Effects

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Bar Joke-All You Can Drink

2009-08-12T11:00:00.001-07:00

All You Can Drink

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another.

He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half.

Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?"

"Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket.

When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home."

Bar Joke-A Round For The House

2009-08-12T10:59:00.000-07:00

A Round For The House

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt.

He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill.

Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street.

The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."

Bar Joke-What You Got

2009-08-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

What You Got

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doin' all this drinking.

"You'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "I only have a dollar."

Bar Joke-Beer Festival

2009-08-12T10:57:00.001-07:00

Beer Festival

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers, a Budweiser."

The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"

The Guinness president replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Bar Joke-Deaf Men in a Bar

2009-08-12T10:56:00.000-07:00

Deaf Men in a Bar

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign.

The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly.

The bartender looked over and signed "Now cut that out! I warned you!" and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, "If I told them once I told them 100 times - NO SINGING IN THE BAR!"

Bar Joke-Best Reasons to Allow Drinking on the Job

2009-08-12T10:54:00.001-07:00

Best Reasons to Allow Drinking on the Job

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Bar Joke-Deadbeat in a Bar

2009-08-12T10:53:00.000-07:00

Deadbeat in a Bar

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink, and he said "No thanks, I don't drink, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!"

So the bartender said, "Well would you like a cigarette," but the man said "No, I don't smoke, I tried it once but I didn`t like it!"

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said "No I don't like pool, I tried it once but I didn`t like it."

"As a matter of fact I wouldn`t be here at all, but I'm waiting on my son!"

The bartender said, "Your only son I presume!!"

Bar Joke-Evils of Liquor

2009-08-12T10:52:00.000-07:00

Evils of Liquor

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe the worms closely," said the professor as he put the first worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked.

Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

Bar Joke-Finding The Car

2009-08-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

Finding The Car

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

The manager comes out ofthe bar and stops the guy.

'What the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk.

'I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.' he replies.

'So how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager.

'Well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'.

Bar Joke-Stages of Drunkeness

2009-08-12T10:47:00.001-07:00

Stages of Drunkeness

0 - Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1 - Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well-being.

2 - Lager warming up head. Pretzles are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3 - Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4 - Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order half a dozen packets of pretzles one by one.

5 - Have brilliant discussion with guy on the next bar stool. Devise fool-proof scheme for wining lottery, sort out Denver Broncos defense problems.

6 - Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on cocktail napkin. Realize that everybody loves you. Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing ass.

7 - Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five cocktail napkins and Frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a Slim Panatela.

8 - Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the bar hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9 - Head-ache kicks in. Michelob tastes off. Send it back. Next bottle comes back tasting same. Say, "That's much better". Fight nausea by trying to play old Space Invaders game for ten minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10 - Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four bartenders. Talked down by bartender's wives, who you offer to give a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11 - Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar, having taken a wrong turning. Vomit. Pass out.

12 - Put in cab by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of your local gym. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

Bar Joke-Pirate's Misfortunes

2009-08-12T10:46:00.001-07:00

Pirate's Misfortunes

A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate, "How did you lose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked: "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"

Bar Joke-State Of The Art Watch

2009-08-12T10:44:00.000-07:00

State Of The Art Watch

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Bar Joke-Spent Paycheck

2009-08-12T10:43:00.003-07:00

Spent Paycheck
Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope? Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house. Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480? Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

Bar Joke-Sotally Tober

2009-08-12T10:43:00.001-07:00

Sotally Tober
Starkle starkle little twink who the hell you are I think I'm not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol I'm just a little slort of sheep I'm not drunk like tinkle peep I don't know who is me yet but the drunker I stand here the longer I get Just give me one more drink to fill me cup 'cuz I got all day sober to Sunday up.

Bar Joke-Signs That You are Too Drunk

2009-08-12T10:42:00.001-07:00

Signs That You are Too Drunk

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.

Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth.. - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor..

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is.. uh..'

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in..

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Roseanne looks good.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

I'm as sober as a judge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.

Bar Joke-Presents for the Wife

2009-08-12T10:41:00.000-07:00

Presents for the Wife

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn't like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, "Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her."

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself."

Bar Joke-Speech Impediment

2009-08-12T10:40:00.000-07:00

Speech Impediment

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other:

"If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"

Bar Joke-Speech Impediment

2009-08-12T10:39:00.002-07:00

Speech Impediment

Bar Joke-I Thought You Were My Wife

2009-08-12T10:39:00.001-07:00

I Thought You Were My Wife

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up
her skirt and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

Bar Joke-Selling the Wife

2009-08-12T10:38:00.001-07:00

Selling the Wife

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

"I did a terrible thing," sniffed the drunk, "Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort."

"That is awful," said the other guy, "And now that she is gone you want her back right?"

"Right!" said the drunk, still crying.

"You're sorry you sold her because you realised, too late, that you still loved her,right?"

"Oh, No," said the drunk. I want her back because I'm thirsty again!"

Bar Joke-The Buffalo Theory

2009-08-12T10:37:00.002-07:00

The Buffalo Theory

The "Buffolo Theory" of Beer..

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

Bar Joke-Proud Texan Father

2009-08-12T10:37:00.001-07:00

Proud Texan Father

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"

Bar Joke-Vampires in a Bar

2009-08-12T10:36:00.000-07:00

Vampires in a Bar

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.

At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."

"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

"Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away.

"Thanks," he says, and leaves.

An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."

"Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.

An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam..."

"I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?"

"Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please."

"Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"

Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid.

"Tea time."

Bar Joke-A Chick With Long Legs

2009-08-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

A Chick With Long Legs

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!""That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

Bar Joke-Glad to be drunk

2009-08-12T10:30:00.000-07:00

Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

Funny Quote-Writers Quotes

2009-08-12T10:24:00.001-07:00

Writers Quotes

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Tom Clancy

I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.
William Faulkner

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.
Steve Martin

I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.
Mel Brooks

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.
William Faulkner

The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
Robert Benchley

Funny Quote-Work quotes

2009-08-12T10:23:00.002-07:00

Work quotes

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse
Dennis Miller

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.
Leslie Nielsen

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
Slappy White

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
Robert Paul

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.
Dennis Miller

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome

Funny Quote-Women Quotes

2009-08-12T10:23:00.001-07:00

Women Quotes

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

Guys are like dogs. They keep coming back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time...they're gone.
Lenny Bruce

I love women. They're the best thing ever created. If they want to be like men and come down to our level, that's fine.
Mel Gibson

I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.
David Niven

One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
Edgar Watson Howe

Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both.
Samuel Butler

Funny Quote-Wisdom Quotes

2009-08-12T10:22:00.003-07:00

Wisdom Quotes

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.
Mae West

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.
Jimi Hendrix

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.
Marty Feldman

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
Steve Martin

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. Fields

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.
Samuel Palmer

Funny Quote-Politics Quotes

2009-08-12T10:22:00.001-07:00

Politics Quotes

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
H. L. Mencken

Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.
George Clooney

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.
Dave Letterman

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
P. J. ORourke

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.
Robert Louis Stevenson

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Ronald Reagan

Funny Quote-Money Quotes

2009-08-12T10:21:00.001-07:00

Money Quotes

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
J. Paul Getty

A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'
Lord Barnett

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner

If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.
Errol Flynn

Funny Quote-Men Quotes

2009-08-12T10:20:00.002-07:00

Men Quotes

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Madonna

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
Henry Youngman

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.
Rita Rudner

This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'
I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'
Judy Tenuta

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
Jean Kerr

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.
Tim Allen

I love men, even though they're lying, cheating scumbags.
Gwyneth Paltrow

Funny Quote-Marriage Quotes

2009-08-12T10:20:00.001-07:00

Marriage Quotes

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Helen Rowland

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Unknown

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

Funny Quote-Love Quotes

2009-08-12T10:19:00.002-07:00

Love Quotes

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonnette

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
Henry Youngman

It's better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
Laurence J. Peter

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Unknown

If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

Love is the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock.
John Barrymore

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
Robert Frost

A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know.
Mistinguette

Absence -- that common cure of love.
Miguel De Cervantes

Funny Quote-Life Quotes

2009-08-12T10:19:00.001-07:00

Life Quotes

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
Janet Coleman

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Andy Rooney

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
Joey Adams

Funny Quote-Children Quotes

2009-08-12T10:17:00.002-07:00

Children Quotes

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Clarence Darrow

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.
Bill Maher

To be a successful father there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
Ernest Hemingway

The trouble with children is that they're not returnable.
Quentin Crisp

There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
Benjamin Spock

I love children, especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away.
Nancy Mitford

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Funny Quote-Age Quotes

2009-08-12T10:17:00.001-07:00

Age Quotes

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom

Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon...smart too late.
Mike Tyson

You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen

People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it's more about the state of your body.
Geoffrey Parfitt

Animal Jokes-How'd you want them

2009-08-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

How'd you want them
A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed. After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?" Blushing, she said, "No. holding hands will be fine."

Animal Jokes-Bird vs Fly

2009-08-11T10:40:00.000-07:00

Bird vs Fly
What's the difference between a bird and a fly? A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

Animal Jokes-Dog Watch

2009-08-11T10:39:00.001-07:00

Dog Watch
Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?" Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."

Animal Jokes-Got a headache

2009-08-11T10:38:00.000-07:00

Got a headache

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.

The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."

Again she said no and again he persuaded her.

This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"

Animal Jokes-Goodbye To Mother

2009-08-11T10:37:00.000-07:00

Goodbye To Mother

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"

Animal Jokes-The Slow Racehorse

2009-08-11T10:36:00.001-07:00

The Slow Racehorse
The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey. "Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?" "Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."

Animal Jokes-The Slow Racehorse

2009-08-11T10:33:00.001-07:00

The Slow Racehorse
The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race. He turned on the jockey. "Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?" "Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."

Animal Jokes-The Mink Coat

2009-08-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

The Mink Coat

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the
shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly
whispers,

"Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for
$65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner.

"Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you
show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

Animal Jokes-The Hunting Dog

2009-08-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

The Hunting Dog

Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."

So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."

Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"

Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"

Animal Jokes-Living with the Wolf Man

2009-08-11T10:26:00.000-07:00

Living with the Wolf Man

The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.

"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.

"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.

"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"

At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.

Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."

Animal Jokes-Monkey Organization

2009-08-11T09:52:00.002-07:00

Monkey Organization
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

Animal Jokes-Wittle Wabbit

2009-08-11T09:52:00.001-07:00

Wittle Wabbit

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."

Animal Jokes-The Other Side

2009-08-11T09:50:00.001-07:00

The Other Side

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.

One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.

"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!"

"Not now! I'm eating."

"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important."

"No way."

"Please. It's urgent."

So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.

"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?"

"Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."

Animal Jokes-Lion Tamer

2009-08-11T09:48:00.000-07:00

Lion Tamer

wo unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."

The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."

"Yes I do!"

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"

"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

Animal Jokes-Vampire bat

2009-08-11T09:44:00.000-07:00

Vampire bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

Flash Messages

2009-08-10T16:44:00.001-07:00

☻NEWSFLASH.. Police arrested 2 kids yesterday: 1 was drinking battery acid the other was eating fireworks.They charged one and let the one off.

☻*NEWSFLASH* An independant study has proven dat those who have a bad sex life & who are crap in bed are readin dis message in their right hand!

☻*NEWSFLASH* A woman was found dead in her home 2day!She was discoverd in her bath tub which was filled with milk & conflakes.the police suspect a cerial killer!

☻*NEWSFLASH* Police r lookin 4 a suspect whos smart sexy witty & very gorgeous- they've already eliminated u from the enquiry (where do you think i shood hide?)

☻NEWFLASH tell all ur female m8s dat u can get 1000 tampons for £1.No strings attacthed but 4 limited period.Its a bloody good deal!

General Jokes

2009-08-02T01:28:00.001-07:00

☻Q : What was yesterday's Washington Post Headline?
A : Bush Beats Clinton

☻Q : Why was Monica Lewinsky transferred from the White House to the Pentagon?
A : She was traded for two brunettes and a redhead to be named later.

☻"One thing's for sure about Clinton...
He sure doesn't neglect domestic affairs!"

☻Q : Why does Clinton wish he was like Ted Kennedy?
A : Cause Kennedy has an ex-wife and a dead girlfriend

☻Q : How does Bill keep Monica Lewinsky away from the White House?
A : He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride

☻Q : What did Clinton say to Gore about the whole affair?
A : Pardon me

☻News item: Mike McCurry, the President s Press Secretary, has just resigned. He could no longer keep a straight face

Animal Jokes

2009-08-02T01:27:00.002-07:00

☻When geese fly in a "V", why is one side longer?
Because there are more geese on that side

☻Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work

☻What did the turkey say to the chicken?
Gobble gobble

☻Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break

☻Which side of the chicken has he most feathers?
The outside

☻Doctor, I can t stop behaving like a dog.
How long have you been acting this way?
Since I was a puppy!

☻Two snakes meet each other..
First snake:I hope I am not poisonous.
Second snake:Why?
First snake:Because I bit my lip!

☻Q : What do stylish frogs wear?
A : Jumpsuits!

☻Q : What did the frog order at McDonald's?
A : French flies and a diet Croak

☻Q : How does a frog feel when he has a broken leg?
A : Unhoppy

☻Q : What goes, 99-thump, 99-thump, 99-thump &
A : A centipede with a wooden leg

☻Q : What do you get from a pampered cow?
A : Spoiled milk.

☻What kind of work does a weak cat do?
A : Light mouse work

☻Q : How do you identify a bald eagle?
A : All his feathers are combed over to one side

☻How do you circumcise a whale?
A : You need at least four skin divers

Wrong Person sms

2009-08-02T01:27:00.001-07:00

☻I wanted to send u something nice that would make u smile but the postman told me to get out of the mailbox!

☻This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number.We are truly sorry for the inconvenience

☻Ur cute gorgeous fine & dandy.really sexy u make me randy.ur good wiv ur mouth & also in bed …oops sorry wrong number 4get wot I said!

☻I saw sumthing in da shop window 2day.It was stunning sexy cute beautiful & adorable.I was supposed 2buy it4u till i realised it was my own REFLECTION

☻Those innocent eyes... Those kissable lips... A great smile... The perfect walk... Smoothest talk... Absolutely gorgeous.. Thats enough bout me-How r u?

☻You’re Attractive Gorgeous Sexy Intelligent Smart Charming Sophisticated Fit Kind & Generous. In fact you’re becoming more like me everyday!

☻Uve got sex appeal.uve got style.uve got intelligence.uve got class.uve got the face & uve got the body & ive got the wrong number!

☻Ure so sexy u drive me insane.i luv u so much dat my heart is in pain.ur sexy voice puts me in a slumber.oh damn im sorry i have the wrong number

Reasonable Jokes

2009-08-02T01:26:00.001-07:00

☻REASONS Y DOGS R BETTER DAN WOMEN 1)dogs obey wen u shout at dem 2)dogs dont shop 3)u can giv away ur dogs children 4)any guy can get a good lookin dog!

☻3 REASONS Y CATS R BETTER DAN MEN 1)cats luv u wotever u look like 2)u can stroke a cat wivout it thinkin about sex 3)u dont mind wen ur cat chases after birds!

☻Y MEN R LIKE COMPUTERS 1)dey r useless until u turn dem on 2)dey have lots of data but r still clueless 3)as soon as u pick 1 a better model cums on the market!

☻Y WOMEN R LIKE COMPUTERS 1)no one really understands dem 2)all ur mistakes r stored in their memory 3)u find urself spendin all ur money on accessories for dem!

☻Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS 1)dey r always out of order 2)dey stink 3)the nice ones r always engaged 4)dey consume large amounts of liquid 5)r constantly full of crap

☻5 BAD THINGS 2 SAY 2 A NAKED GUY 1)so dis explains ur car! 2)but still work right? 3)r u cold? 4)shood i get a pump? 5)so i guess dis makes me d early bird!

Funny SMS Jokes

2009-08-01T07:31:00.001-07:00

☻Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

☻I'm bigger and better than the Titanic ... only 200 woman went down on the Titanic

☻I'm good at math, U+I=69

☻I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I'm allergic to sex.

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK

☻Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.

☻Please help the homeless. Take me home with you...

☻Wanna come and see my Hard Drive? Babe, I promise you it ain't 3.5 inches and it sure ain't floppy.

☻What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?

☻Will you be my Xmas cracker? I'd really like to pull you.

☻Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?

☻You are a 9.999. Well, you'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.

☻You're good at mathematics, right? Would you say 69 was a perfect square?

☻Your Daddy must have been a Baker, cos you got the nicest set of buns I've ever saw.

☻Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!

☻Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

☻Baicarumba...are those real?

☻Be unique and different, just say yes.

☻Can I flirt with you?

☻Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.

☻Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.

☻Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.

☻Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?

☻Greetings and salivations

☻Honey, I'm new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.

☻I hope you know CPR, cos you take my breath away!

☻I've got the ship, you've got the harbor ... what say we tie up for the night?

☻I've just moved you to the top of my 'to do' list.

☻If you don't wanna have kids with me, then why don't we just practice?

☻Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?

☻That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.

☻Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.

☻Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour coordinated.

☻I know a great way to burn off the calories in that cake you just ate.

☻I wonder what our children will look like.

☻I'm wearing Revlon colourstay lipstick. Wanna help me test the claim it won't kiss off?

☻If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.

☻If you were a car, I'd wax and ride you all over town.

☻If you were a laser, you'd be set on "stunning".

☻It must be cold in here - or are you just happy to see me?

☻Since sex is a killer, would ya like to die happy?

☻That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?

☻The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.

☻There gotta be a keg in your pants, coz I wanna tap that ass.

☻There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.

☻Was your Father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?

☻You're so hot, your ass is on fire.

☻Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend?

☻I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.

☻Grab yer bag Doll...you've just pulled...

☻I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest lady on earth tonight.

☻If beauty were an hour, you'd be a second.

☻There's just one thing your eyes haven't told me yet....you're name.

☻Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

☻What time do you have to be back in heaven?

☻Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?

☻You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

☻You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed by you until I'm 20.

☻You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

☻You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar raise!

☻You're like milk, I just wanna make you part of my complete breakfast.

☻Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.

☻Do you have a map? Cos Honey, I just keep gettin lost in your eyes.

☻Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?

☻Girl, you gotta be tired coz you been runnin through my mind all day.

☻Got two nipples for a dime?

☻Help, somethings wrong with my eyes - I just can't take them off you.

☻Hey baby, you must be a light switch, coz every time I see you, you turn me on!

☻Hi, I'm the new Milkman. Do you want it in the front or the back?

☻I think I feel like Richard Gere - I'm standing next to you, the Pretty Woman.

☻I'm sick. My medicine is to talk to you.

☻Was you Father an Alien? Cos honey on planet earth there's nothing else like you!

☻You're eyes are bluer than the atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.

☻You're like a dictionary - you add meaning to my life!

☻You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

☻Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!

☻Do you want to see something swell?

☻Do you work for UPS / ParcelForce? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.

☻Have I seen you before? Oh, yeah, I remember - it was in the dictionary under the word FANBLEEDINGTASTIC!

☻Hey I'm looking for treasure, Can I look around your chest?

☻Hi, will you help me find my lost puppy? I think he went into this cheap hotel room across the street.

☻Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

☻I have 4 words for you "Hol I Day Inn".

☻If I flip a coin, what do you reckon my chances are of getting head?

☻If you think Chewbacca is hairy, wait till you see my Wookie.

☻Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are as hot as hell.

☻Screw me if I'm wrong, but I could swear you were Julia Roberts.

☻The word of the day is "legs." Let's say we head back to your place and spread the word.

☻You've been a bad, bad girl (boy). Now go to my room!

☻Your Daddy must play the trumpet, cos he sure made me horny!

☻Do I know you from somewhere, because I don't recognize you with your clothes on?

☻Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

☻I bet you $40 you're gonna turn me down.

☻I know that Milk does the body good, but wow, how much you been drinking?

☻I'd like to name a multiple orgasm after you.

☻I'm betting that you cannot wait until tomorrow, because I bet that you get more and more beautiful every day.

☻Save a horse, ride a cowboy.

☻Seriously honey, sex is like Pizza. Even if it bad, it still pretty darn good.

☻When I'm older, I'll look back at all of my crowning memories, and think of the day my children were born, the day I got married, and the day that I met you.

☻Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

☻You be the Dairy Queen and I'll be your Burger King: if you treat me right I'll do it your way

☻You know how they say skin is the largest organ? Not in my case.

☻You know the Power company is looking for you coz you're so electrifying.

☻You know, I ain't this tall. I'm just sitting on my wallet.

☻You're like a Pringle. Once I pop ya, I just can't stop ya

☻As you walk by, turn around and say: Excuse me, did you just touch my ass? No. Damn!

☻I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

☻Do you believe in helping the homeless? [If yes] Take me home with you.

☻Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

☻Do you have any Irish in you? (if no…) Would you like some? (if yes…) Want some more?

☻Shall we talk or continue flirting from a distance?

☻Do you have the time? [Gives the time] No, the time to write down my number?

☻Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow-job? [No!] Do you want to do lunch?

☻Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.

☻Do you mind if I stare at you up close instead of from across the room?

☻I'm a frog but if u kiss me I'll turn into a prince

☻Excuse me, I am about to go home to masturbate and needed a name to go with the face.

☻Excuse me, I'm looking for a friend...do you want to be my friend?

☻For a fat chick, you sure have small tits.

☻Gee, for a fat girl you sure don't sweat much.

☻Go up to a girl, ask her: "Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger?" She says no. Then wink.

☻Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.

☻Hi, I've been undressing you with my eyes all night long, and think it's time to see if I'm right.

☻Take an ice cube to the bar, smash it, and say, "Now that I've broken the ice, lets talk"

☻Nice dress, it'd look good on my bedroom floor

☻Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "Cause they're mine sweetheart."

☻I don't know what you think of me, but I hope it's X-rated.

☻I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

☻I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you are!

☻If a women asks, "Excuse me, do you have the time?" You should answer: "Yeah! Do you have the energy?"

☻The only thing that matters is that we're together.

☻I'msorry, were you talking to me? Her: No. Well then, please start. .

☻Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

☻Is you father a lumberjack Because when ever I look at you, I get wood in my pants.

☻I've just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your G-spot.

☻Hey...somebody farted. Let's get out of here.

☻Say, did we go to different schools together?

☻The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

☻There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

☻Wait until the end of the evening when everything is real hazy and alcohol soaked, walk up to someone you've never met and say, "Come on, we're leaving."

☻You see my friend over there? He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

☻You know, you're very easy on the eyes...and very hard on my erection.

☻Want to come into the garden see my big juicy tomatoes?

☻Want to come into the garden see my big hard cucumbers?

☻You are so beautiful that I would crawl ten miles on my hands and knees through broken glass just to jerk off in your shadow.

☻Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

☻Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

☻I'm bigger and better than the Titanic ... only 200 woman went down on the Titanic

☻I'm good at maths, U+I=69

☻I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I'm allergic to sex.

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

☻If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you between F and CK

☻Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.

☻Please help the homeless. Take me home with you...

☻Wanna come and see my Hard Drive? Babe, I promise you it ain't 3.5 inches and it sure ain't floppy.

☻What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?

☻Will you be my Xmas cracker? I'd really like to pull you.

☻Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?

☻You are a 9.999. Well, you'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.

☻You're good at mathematics, right? Would you say 69 was a perfect square?

☻Your Daddy must have been a Baker, cos you got the nicest set of buns I've ever saw.

☻Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend?

☻I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.

☻Grab yer bag Doll...you've just pulled...

☻I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest lady on earth tonight.

☻If beauty were an hour, you'd be a second.

☻There's just one thing your eyes haven't told me yet....you're name.

☻Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

☻What time do you have to be back in heaven?

☻Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?

☻You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

☻You are so beautiful that I want to be reincarnated as your child so that I can breastfeed by you until I'm 20.

☻You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

☻You must be a high jumper, because you make my bar raise!

☻You're like milk, I just wanna make you part of my complete breakfast

☻Be unique and different, say yes.

☻Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

☻Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?

☻Hi. Are you cute?

☻I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a little.

☻I'm easy. Are you?

☻I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

☻I'm trying to determine after years of therapy and lots of testing, whether or not I'm allergic to sex.

☻Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

☻So....How am I doin'?

☻Do you have a boyfriend? No. Want one?

☻I think about you when I masturbate.

☻Are we related? Do you want to be?

☻Can you say constantinople backwards? Me neither, but I just wanted to ask.

☻Can you spell ICUP. I-C-U-P. You saw me pee.

☻Do you know how to use a whip?

☻Excuse me, do you live around here often?

☻Excuse me, I am about to go masturbate and needed a name to go with the face.

☻Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

☻Hey babe...can you suck start a Harley?

☻Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.

☻Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "'Cause they're mine sweetheart."

☻I am very, very lonely, and I was wonderin'...

☻I know a great way to burn off the calories in that pastry you just ate.

☻I'm not trying anything, I always put my hands there.

☻I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?

☻If I could be anything, I'd love to be your bathwater.

☻Like the look of your crotch.

☻Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?

☻Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.

☻Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.

☻Excuse me, but I DO think it's time we met.

☻Of course there's lots of fish in the sea, but you're the only one I'd love to catch and mount back at my place.

☻Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.

☻How was Heaven when you left it?

☻You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.

☻Honey, you give new meaning to the defintion of 'edible'.

☻I think I can die happy now, coz I've just seen a piece of heaven.

☻You must be going to hell, because it is a sin to look that good.

☻You should be someone's wife.

☻Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.

☻You've made me so nervous that I've totally forgotten forgotten my standard pick-up line.

☻Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

☻Is your name Gillette? ...coz you're the best a man can get.

☻If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.

☻It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.

Play SMS

2009-08-01T07:27:00.000-07:00

☻Im not under d affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep.Im not half as thunk as u drink.I fool so feelish and da drunker i stand here da longer i get

☻Last night i wanted to send u a msg, but all i could write was: "noh ss!w !". it didn't make much sense until i read it upside down...

☻MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist HIS-terectomy EVER NOTICED HOW WOMENS PROBLEMS START WITH MEN??

☻Pls remind me 2 remind u about remindin me to send u dis reminder oh dat reminds me can u remind me wot the reminder was ive forgot!

☻Piss the taking is someone that realise u this like times at its! NOW READ IT BACKWARDS!!

☻Hello!Im a little alien called Ted.I have taken the form of a mobile phone- your phone.And during this message I have been having sex with your thumb!

☻This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat idiot cat buzy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat! NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!

☻A)Ur Attractive B)Ur Buff C)Ur Charmin D)Ur Delicious E)Ur Excitin F)Ur Funny G)Ur Gorgeous H)Ur Heavenly I)Im J)Just K)Kiddin L)Loser!

☻HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press down* HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press up*

☻Wot letters r missin in H__RT? EA or U? Pick EA & u get a heart!if u pick U,u will get hurt! I'd pick U coz it's better to get hurt than have a heart without U!

☻if u notice this notice you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing!!!

☻I have the "I".I have the "L".I have the "O".I have the "V".I have the "E"... so pls

INSULTS SMS

2009-08-01T07:26:00.000-07:00

☻You do sure have a lot of Well-wishers. They'd all like to throw you down one...

☻Somebody said to me that you ain't fit to sleep with the pigs. Well, I stuck up for the pigs.

☻I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception

☻I hear you're connected to the Police Department - by a pair of handcuffs...

☻Shouldn't you have a license for being that ugly?

☻I heard when you were a child your Mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.

☻Why don't you just open your mind and shut your mouth, both are empty anyway.

☻I hear you were born on April 2; a day too late!

☻You must be an experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

☻Everybody has a photographic memory. You simply don't have the film.

☻You're about as good lookin as a cross between the Elephant Man and a Pitbull Terrier..

☻You! Off my planet!

☻See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

☻Just out of curiosity, are your parents siblings?

☻Whilst every girl has the right to be ugly, you seem to have abused that privelige!

☻You're the kind of man that is a blueprint for building an idiot.

☻I'd like to leave you with one thought...unfortunately I ain't sure you have anywhere to put it!

☻Yeah, yeah, keep talking, someday you might say something intelligent.

☻Sure, I'd love to help you out...now, which way did you come in?

☻Excuse me, is that your nose, or are you eating a Banana?

☻When you were born, did they let your Mother out of her cell?

☻You're so bent you make roundabouts look straight!

☻I've seen better hands on a leper!

☻This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.

☻You've got more chins than a Chinese phone book!

☻I've come across rotting bodies that are less offensive than you are.

☻You're a habit I'd like to kick -- with both feet.

☻So now we know why some mammals eat their children...

☻His mouth is a no-go area. It's like kissing the Berlin Wall
- Helena Bonhem Carter on Woody Allen

☻There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
- Henry Kissinger

☻He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.
- Unknown

☻A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstien, but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.
- Tom Shale on Robin Williams

☻If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.
- Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono

☻God does not play dice with the universe.
- Albert Einstien

☻She is as wholesome as a bowl of cornflakes and at least as sexy.
- Dwight McDonald on Doris Day

☻If you can't convince them, confuse them.
- President Harry S Truman

☻Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
- W C Fields

☻He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker.
- S J Perelman on Groucho Marx

☻Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.
- Abbey Hoffman

☻Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?
- Don Rickles

☻Breasts like Granite and a brain like Swiss Cheese
- Billy Wilder on Marilyn Monroe

☻The thief of bad gags.
- Walter Winchell on Milton Berne

☻I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born
- Ronald Reagan

☻He's proof that there's life after death.
- Mort Sahl on Ronald Reagan

☻The only genius with an IQ of 60.
- Gore Vidal on Andy Warhol

☻He's so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.
- Muhammad Ali on Joe Frazier

☻She's so stupid she returns bowling balls because they've got holes in them.
- Joan Rivers on Bo Derek

☻For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
- Bob Wells

☻Can't act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.
- Screen Tester on Fred Astaire

☻An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf.
- Ross Perot on Dan Quayle

☻Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.
- Rex Reed on Marlon Brando

☻He could start a row in an empty house
- Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise

☻When Kissinger can get the Nobel Peace Prize, what is there left for satire?
- Tom Lehrer on Henry Kissinger

☻Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve.
- George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw

☻He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron.
- Rex Reed on Sylvester Stallone

☻What makes him think a middle aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?
- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel

☻Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.
- Shakespeare

☻A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

☻Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

☻He's a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic.

☻Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

☻One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.

☻Not the brightest bulb on the Xmas tree

☻A donut short of being a cop

☻A few feathers short of a whole duck.

☻From the British Army? Are you sure you're not from the Salvation Army?

☻Which village is missing its idiot?.

☻A Titanic intellect ... In a world full of icebergs

☻A few clowns short of a circus

☻A few beads short in her rosary.

☻As a failure, you are a great success.

☻You would be out of your depth in a car park puddle.

☻As bright as Alaska in December.

☻He's several sausages short of a barbecue. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

☻He's so dense, light bends around him

☻She's one tit short of an udder

☻He'll be doing joined up writing next

☻Whose brain will be donated to science and rejected?

☻He's a day late and a dollar short.

☻All Preparation, no H

☻College letters other than I.O.U

☻The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't anywhere in sight

☻You should request a refund from your university.

☻Who's several apples short of a bunch?

☻Whose doughnut is out of jam?